clean up fortunes-o
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@ -1,3 +1,15 @@
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No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
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she will or will not be a mother.
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-- Margaret H. Sanger
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%
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There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
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have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
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America, with all of the military strength of America, those
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revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
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organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
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oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
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-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
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%
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!07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I !pleH
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%
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(1) Alexander the Great was a great general.
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@ -2,18 +2,6 @@
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69 with two fingers up your ass.
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-- George Carlin
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%
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
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By breezes that left her quite nude,
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Saw a man come along
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And, unless I'm quite wrong,
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You expected this line to be lewd.
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%
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A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
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I am not I, I'm a tree."
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But another, more sane,
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Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
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And covered his pants leg with pee.
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%
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A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
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to the top.
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%
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@ -76,40 +64,10 @@ having fun.
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A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
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up with yesterday.
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%
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A remarkable race are the Persians;
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They have such peculiar diversions.
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They make love the whole day
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In the usual way
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And save up the nights for perversions.
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%
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A team playing baseball in Dallas
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Called the umpire blind out of malice.
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While this worthy had fits
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The team made eight hits
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And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
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%
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A wanton young lady from Wimley
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Reproached for not acting quite primly
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Said, "Heavens above!
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I know sex isn't love,
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But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
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%
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A widow who fancied a man some
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Was diddled three times in a hansome.
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When she clamored for more
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Her young man became sore
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And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
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%
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"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
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drawers."
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-- Blind Lemon Pledge
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%
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A worried young man from Stamboul
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Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
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Said the doctor, a cynic,
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"Get out of my clinic;
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Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
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%
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A.I. hackers do it with robots.
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%
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Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
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@ -154,12 +112,6 @@ America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
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wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
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-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
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%
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An architect fellow named Yoric
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Could, when feeling euphoric,
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Display for selection
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Three kinds of erection --
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Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
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%
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An Army travels on her stomach.
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%
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An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
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@ -193,11 +145,6 @@ Panic, n.:
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"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
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-- Joseph C. Wang
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%
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"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
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released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
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enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
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-- Ronald Reagan
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%
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Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
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popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
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blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
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@ -229,11 +176,6 @@ Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
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Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
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-- Tom Lehrer
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%
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Behold the unborn fetus and
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Weep salt tears crocodilian;
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All life is sacred (save, of course,
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An enemy civilian).
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%
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Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
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gin.
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-- Ralph Nader
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@ -349,9 +291,6 @@ Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
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%
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Coito ergo sum
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%
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College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
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later you wish you'd never come.
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%
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Communists do it without class.
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%
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Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
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@ -364,9 +303,6 @@ Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
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%
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Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
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%
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Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
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pillage!!
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%
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Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
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This visage meek and humble,
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And hear this confidential plea
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@ -390,10 +326,6 @@ Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
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the people.
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-- Oscar Wilde
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%
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Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
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... Seats 500.
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%
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Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
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%
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Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
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@ -441,27 +373,6 @@ Eisenhower was very nice,
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Nixon was his only vice.
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-- C. Degen
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%
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Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
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(1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
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sleep in the wet spot.
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(2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
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themselves.
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(3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
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married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
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your brother!
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(4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
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(5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
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wet.
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(6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
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boy".
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(7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
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(8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
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(9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
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pillow.
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(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
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(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
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left it.
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%
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Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
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professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
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male schlemiel.
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@ -473,11 +384,6 @@ Evangelists do it with Him watching.
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just a bit unchivalrous ..."
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-- Robert Benchley
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%
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Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
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women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
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handbags are full.
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-- Earl Wilson
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%
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Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
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licentious, dirty bum!!
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%
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@ -495,14 +401,6 @@ offered by Caspar Weinberger:
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Fornication, n.:
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Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
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%
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Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
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Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
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and you didn't scream?
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A: No ma'am.
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Q: Does that mean you consented?
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A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
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%
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George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
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he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
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punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
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@ -525,7 +423,7 @@ innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
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were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
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-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
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%
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God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
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God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
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%
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God is an atheist.
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%
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@ -608,12 +506,6 @@ finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
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%
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"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
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%
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He hated to mend, so young Ned
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Called in a cute neighbor instead.
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Her husband said, "Vi,
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When you stitched up his torn fly,
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Did you have to bite off the thread?"
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%
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He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
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_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
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qualified for!
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@ -682,8 +574,6 @@ lucky to escape with our skins!"
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Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
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-- John Valby
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%
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Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
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%
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I am an atheist, thank God!
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%
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I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
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@ -704,12 +594,6 @@ I hope he fries in Hell.
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%
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I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
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%
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I once met a lassie named Ruth
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In a long distance telephone booth.
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Now I know the perfection
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Of an ideal connection
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Even if somewhat uncouth.
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%
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"I own my own body, but I share."
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%
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I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
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@ -871,12 +755,6 @@ growth of the Laboratories."
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And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
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it was Good!
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%
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In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
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Massaging the bust of his madam,
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He chuckled with mirth,
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For he knew that on earth,
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There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
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%
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Incest, n.:
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Sibling revelry.
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%
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@ -914,8 +792,6 @@ groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
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help *___you* much.
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-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
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%
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Kill a commie for Christ!
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%
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Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
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all will end as doves.
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%
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@ -984,10 +860,6 @@ with his head stuck up his ass.
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saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,
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drunk or sober."
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-- G. K. Chesterton
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%
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My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
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family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
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-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
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%
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My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
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Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
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@ -1028,15 +900,6 @@ Nothing is better than Sex.
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Masturbation is better than nothing.
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Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
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%
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Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
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%
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O'Riordan's Theorem:
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Brains x Beauty = Constant.
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Purmal's Corollary:
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As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
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availability goes to zero.
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%
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Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
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%
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Occident, n.:
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@ -1051,12 +914,6 @@ Ocean, n.:
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A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
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man -- who has no gills.
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%
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Once a young gay from Khartoum
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Took a lesbian up to his room.
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They argued all night
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Over who had the right
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To do what, and with which, and to whom.
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%
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Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
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fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
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the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
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@ -1179,10 +1036,6 @@ A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
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Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
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A: As much as he wants.
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%
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Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
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be?
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A: A fur coat.
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%
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Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
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A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
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%
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@ -1195,9 +1048,6 @@ A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
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Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
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A: A cheese grater.
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%
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Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
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A: Two hours of begging.
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%
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Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
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A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
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%
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@ -1224,14 +1074,6 @@ for farting at a friend.
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%
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Reagan can't _a_c_t, either.
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%
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Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
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sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
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changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
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grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
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liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
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do with the other.
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-- Jules Feiffer
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%
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Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
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country. The remainder is thrown out.
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%
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@ -1259,18 +1101,6 @@ any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
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%
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Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
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%
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Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
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"My favorite sport is coitus."
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But a fullback from State
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Made her period late,
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And now she has athlete's fetus.
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%
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Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
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Whose virtue was largely a myth,
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"Try as hard as I can,
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I can't find a man
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That it's fun to be virtuous with."
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%
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Said Einstein, "I have an equation
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Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
|
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Let _V be virginity
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@ -1283,8 +1113,6 @@ With the square root of _M_u inserted
|
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The result, Q.E.D.,
|
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Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
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%
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Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
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%
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Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
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needed.
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%
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|
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@ -1324,11 +1152,6 @@ Subpoena, n.:
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From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
|
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organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
|
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%
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Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
|
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-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
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the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
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Association
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%
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Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
|
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you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
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%
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|
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@ -1377,14 +1200,6 @@ cactus has the pricks on the outside.
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... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
|
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out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
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-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
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%
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The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
|
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|
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My back aches, my pussy is sore;
|
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I simply can't fuck any more;
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I'm covered with sweat,
|
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And you haven't come yet,
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And my God, it's a quarter to four!
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%
|
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The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
|
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putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
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|
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@ -1458,7 +1273,7 @@ enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
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-- Henry Kissinger
|
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%
|
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The United States Army:
|
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194 years of proud service,
|
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247 years of proud service,
|
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unhampered by progress.
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%
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The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
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@ -1500,197 +1315,11 @@ contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
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bomb a virgin building is terrific.
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-- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
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%
|
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There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
|
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have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
|
||||
America, with all of the military strength of America, those
|
||||
revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
|
||||
organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
|
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oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
|
||||
-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
|
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%
|
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There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
|
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%
|
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"There is a God, but He drinks."
|
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-- Blore
|
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%
|
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There once was a couple named Kelley,
|
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Who lived their life belly to belly.
|
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Because in their haste
|
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They used Library Paste,
|
||||
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
|
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%
|
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There once was a feisty young terrier
|
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Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
|
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He'd yip and he'd yap,
|
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Then leap up and snap;
|
||||
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
|
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%
|
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There once was a freshman named Lin,
|
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Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
|
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A virgin named Joan
|
||||
From a bible belt home,
|
||||
Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a hacker named Ken
|
||||
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
|
||||
So he built him some chicks
|
||||
Of silicon chips
|
||||
And hasn't been heard from since then.
|
||||
%
|
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There once was a lady from Exeter,
|
||||
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
|
||||
One was even so brave
|
||||
As to take out and wave
|
||||
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
|
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%
|
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There once was a man named Eugene
|
||||
Who invented a screwing machine
|
||||
Concave and convex
|
||||
It served either sex
|
||||
And it played with itself in between.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
|
||||
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
|
||||
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
|
||||
I think someone's coming!"
|
||||
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
|
||||
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
|
||||
Till a prince from Peru
|
||||
Who came up for a screw
|
||||
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
|
||||
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
|
||||
It was not the size
|
||||
That cause such surprise;
|
||||
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a bluestocking in Florence
|
||||
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
|
||||
Till a Spanish grandee,
|
||||
Got her off with his knee,
|
||||
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a gay countess of Bray,
|
||||
And you may think it odd when I say,
|
||||
That in spite of high station,
|
||||
Rank and education,
|
||||
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young fellow named Bliss
|
||||
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
|
||||
For even with Venus
|
||||
His recalcitrant penis
|
||||
Would never do better than t
|
||||
h
|
||||
i
|
||||
s
|
||||
.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
|
||||
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
|
||||
She said with a yell,
|
||||
As a shot rang her bell,
|
||||
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young girl named Sapphire
|
||||
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
|
||||
She said, "It's a sin,
|
||||
But now that it's in,
|
||||
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young girl of Angina
|
||||
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
|
||||
From the love-making frock
|
||||
(With the proper sized cock)
|
||||
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
|
||||
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
|
||||
There was never a sound
|
||||
For miles around
|
||||
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lad name of Durcan
|
||||
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
|
||||
His father said, "Durcan!
|
||||
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
|
||||
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady from Maine
|
||||
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
|
||||
But you knew from the view,
|
||||
As her abdomen grew,
|
||||
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady named Clair
|
||||
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
|
||||
At least so I thought
|
||||
Till I saw one get caught
|
||||
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady named Hall,
|
||||
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
|
||||
The dress caught on fire
|
||||
And burned her entire
|
||||
Front page, sporting section, and all.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady named Twiss
|
||||
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
|
||||
For it tickled her bum
|
||||
And caused her to come
|
||||
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady of Norway
|
||||
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
|
||||
She said to her beau
|
||||
"Just look at me, Joe;
|
||||
I think I've discovered one more way."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
|
||||
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
|
||||
But the banister broke
|
||||
So he doubled his stroke
|
||||
And finished her off in mid-air.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young man named Crockett
|
||||
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
|
||||
His wife was a bitch,
|
||||
And she threw the switch,
|
||||
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young man of Cape Horn
|
||||
Who wished he had never been born,
|
||||
And he wouldn't have been
|
||||
If his father had seen
|
||||
That the end of the rubber was torn.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young man of St. John's
|
||||
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
|
||||
But the loyal hall porter
|
||||
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
|
||||
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young whore from Kaloo
|
||||
Who filled her vagina with glue.
|
||||
She said with a grin,
|
||||
"If they pay to get in,
|
||||
They can pay to get out again too!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was an old man of the port
|
||||
Whose prick was remarkably short.
|
||||
When he got into bed,
|
||||
The old woman said,
|
||||
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was an old pirate named Bates
|
||||
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
|
||||
He fell on his cutlass,
|
||||
Which rendered him nutless
|
||||
And practically useless on dates.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There were the Scots
|
||||
Who kept the Sabbath
|
||||
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
|
||||
|
|
@ -1714,9 +1343,6 @@ There's more than one way to skin a cat:
|
|||
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
|
||||
Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
|
||||
Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
|
||||
and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
|
||||
-- Billy Joel
|
||||
|
|
@ -1755,8 +1381,6 @@ YOU SHOULD:
|
|||
%
|
||||
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
|
||||
%
|
||||
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
|
||||
%
|
||||
"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
|
||||
name."
|
||||
-- Gore Vidal
|
||||
|
|
@ -1807,11 +1431,6 @@ Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
|
|||
Vidi, vici, veni.
|
||||
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
|
||||
%
|
||||
Virgin, n.:
|
||||
An ugly third grader.
|
||||
%
|
||||
War is menstruation envy.
|
||||
%
|
||||
"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
|
||||
-- W. C. Fields
|
||||
%
|
||||
|
|
@ -1821,10 +1440,6 @@ We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
|
|||
hand."
|
||||
-- James Watt
|
||||
%
|
||||
We have reason to believe that man first
|
||||
walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
|
||||
-- Lily Tomlin
|
||||
%
|
||||
"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
|
||||
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
|
||||
-- Ronald Reagan
|
||||
|
|
@ -1882,11 +1497,6 @@ God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
|
|||
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
|
||||
-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
|
||||
%
|
||||
When God created man, She was only testing.
|
||||
%
|
||||
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
|
||||
-- Charles Merrill Smith
|
||||
%
|
||||
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
|
||||
can't happen."
|
||||
-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
|
||||
|
|
@ -1900,12 +1510,6 @@ would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
|
|||
thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
|
||||
patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
|
||||
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
|
||||
She explained, "They are flat,
|
||||
But think nothing of that --
|
||||
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
|
||||
%
|
||||
"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
|
||||
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
|
||||
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
|
||||
|
|
@ -1914,9 +1518,6 @@ Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
|
|||
horses?
|
||||
-- G. Gordon Liddy
|
||||
%
|
||||
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
|
||||
then she isn't good enough for you.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
|
||||
%
|
||||
Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
|
||||
|
|
@ -1962,30 +1563,12 @@ no-no, you:
|
|||
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
|
||||
your girlfriend gets the munchies!
|
||||
%
|
||||
You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
|
||||
-- Frederick B. Artz
|
||||
%
|
||||
You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
|
||||
pick your friend's nose.
|
||||
%
|
||||
You can't underestimate the power of fear.
|
||||
-- Tricia Nixon
|
||||
%
|
||||
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
|
||||
get back inside.
|
||||
-- Heathcote Williams
|
||||
%
|
||||
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
|
||||
and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
|
||||
there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
|
||||
|
||||
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
|
||||
name.
|
||||
|
||||
(b) Ask what position she played.
|
||||
|
||||
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
|
||||
%
|
||||
You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
|
||||
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
|
||||
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
|
||||
|
|
@ -2000,16 +1583,4 @@ into your coffee. You:
|
|||
%
|
||||
"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
|
||||
to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
|
||||
-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
|
||||
%
|
||||
... But among the children of the Great Society there were
|
||||
those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
|
||||
and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
|
||||
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
|
||||
they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
|
||||
people go to the front of the bus."
|
||||
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
|
||||
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
|
||||
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
|
||||
unto a snowball in Hell."
|
||||
-- "The Begatting of a President"
|
||||
-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
|
||||
|
|
@ -1,3 +1,273 @@
|
|||
A bather whose clothing was strewed
|
||||
By breezes that left her quite nude,
|
||||
Saw a man come along
|
||||
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
|
||||
You expected this line to be lewd.
|
||||
%
|
||||
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
|
||||
I am not I, I'm a tree."
|
||||
But another, more sane,
|
||||
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
|
||||
And covered his pants leg with pee.
|
||||
%
|
||||
A remarkable race are the Persians;
|
||||
They have such peculiar diversions.
|
||||
They make love the whole day
|
||||
In the usual way
|
||||
And save up the nights for perversions.
|
||||
%
|
||||
A team playing baseball in Dallas
|
||||
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
|
||||
While this worthy had fits
|
||||
The team made eight hits
|
||||
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
|
||||
%
|
||||
A wanton young lady from Wimley
|
||||
Reproached for not acting quite primly
|
||||
Said, "Heavens above!
|
||||
I know sex isn't love,
|
||||
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
|
||||
%
|
||||
A widow who fancied a man some
|
||||
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
|
||||
When she clamored for more
|
||||
Her young man became sore
|
||||
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
|
||||
%
|
||||
A worried young man from Stamboul
|
||||
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
|
||||
Said the doctor, a cynic,
|
||||
"Get out of my clinic;
|
||||
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
An architect fellow named Yoric
|
||||
Could, when feeling euphoric,
|
||||
Display for selection
|
||||
Three kinds of erection --
|
||||
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
|
||||
%
|
||||
He hated to mend, so young Ned
|
||||
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
|
||||
Her husband said, "Vi,
|
||||
When you stitched up his torn fly,
|
||||
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
|
||||
%
|
||||
I once met a lassie named Ruth
|
||||
In a long distance telephone booth.
|
||||
Now I know the perfection
|
||||
Of an ideal connection
|
||||
Even if somewhat uncouth.
|
||||
%
|
||||
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
|
||||
Massaging the bust of his madam,
|
||||
He chuckled with mirth,
|
||||
For he knew that on earth,
|
||||
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
|
||||
"My favorite sport is coitus."
|
||||
But a fullback from State
|
||||
Made her period late,
|
||||
And now she has athlete's fetus.
|
||||
%
|
||||
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
|
||||
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
|
||||
"Try as hard as I can,
|
||||
I can't find a man
|
||||
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
|
||||
%
|
||||
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
|
||||
|
||||
My back aches, my pussy is sore;
|
||||
I simply can't fuck any more;
|
||||
I'm covered with sweat,
|
||||
And you haven't come yet,
|
||||
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a couple named Kelley,
|
||||
Who lived their life belly to belly.
|
||||
Because in their haste
|
||||
They used Library Paste,
|
||||
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a feisty young terrier
|
||||
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
|
||||
He'd yip and he'd yap,
|
||||
Then leap up and snap;
|
||||
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a freshman named Lin,
|
||||
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
|
||||
A virgin named Joan
|
||||
From a bible belt home,
|
||||
Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a hacker named Ken
|
||||
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
|
||||
So he built him some chicks
|
||||
Of silicon chips
|
||||
And hasn't been heard from since then.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a lady from Exeter,
|
||||
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
|
||||
One was even so brave
|
||||
As to take out and wave
|
||||
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a man named Eugene
|
||||
Who invented a screwing machine
|
||||
Concave and convex
|
||||
It served either sex
|
||||
And it played with itself in between.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
|
||||
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
|
||||
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
|
||||
I think someone's coming!"
|
||||
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
|
||||
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
|
||||
Till a prince from Peru
|
||||
Who came up for a screw
|
||||
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
|
||||
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
|
||||
It was not the size
|
||||
That cause such surprise;
|
||||
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a bluestocking in Florence
|
||||
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
|
||||
Till a Spanish grandee,
|
||||
Got her off with his knee,
|
||||
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a gay countess of Bray,
|
||||
And you may think it odd when I say,
|
||||
That in spite of high station,
|
||||
Rank and education,
|
||||
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young fellow named Bliss
|
||||
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
|
||||
For even with Venus
|
||||
His recalcitrant penis
|
||||
Would never do better than t
|
||||
h
|
||||
i
|
||||
s
|
||||
.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
|
||||
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
|
||||
She said with a yell,
|
||||
As a shot rang her bell,
|
||||
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young girl named Sapphire
|
||||
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
|
||||
She said, "It's a sin,
|
||||
But now that it's in,
|
||||
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young girl of Angina
|
||||
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
|
||||
From the love-making frock
|
||||
(With the proper sized cock)
|
||||
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
|
||||
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
|
||||
There was never a sound
|
||||
For miles around
|
||||
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lad name of Durcan
|
||||
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
|
||||
His father said, "Durcan!
|
||||
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
|
||||
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady from Maine
|
||||
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
|
||||
But you knew from the view,
|
||||
As her abdomen grew,
|
||||
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady named Clair
|
||||
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
|
||||
At least so I thought
|
||||
Till I saw one get caught
|
||||
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady named Hall,
|
||||
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
|
||||
The dress caught on fire
|
||||
And burned her entire
|
||||
Front page, sporting section, and all.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady named Twiss
|
||||
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
|
||||
For it tickled her bum
|
||||
And caused her to come
|
||||
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young lady of Norway
|
||||
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
|
||||
She said to her beau
|
||||
"Just look at me, Joe;
|
||||
I think I've discovered one more way."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
|
||||
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
|
||||
But the banister broke
|
||||
So he doubled his stroke
|
||||
And finished her off in mid-air.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young man named Crockett
|
||||
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
|
||||
His wife was a bitch,
|
||||
And she threw the switch,
|
||||
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young man of Cape Horn
|
||||
Who wished he had never been born,
|
||||
And he wouldn't have been
|
||||
If his father had seen
|
||||
That the end of the rubber was torn.
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young man of St. John's
|
||||
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
|
||||
But the loyal hall porter
|
||||
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
|
||||
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was a young whore from Kaloo
|
||||
Who filled her vagina with glue.
|
||||
She said with a grin,
|
||||
"If they pay to get in,
|
||||
They can pay to get out again too!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was an old man of the port
|
||||
Whose prick was remarkably short.
|
||||
When he got into bed,
|
||||
The old woman said,
|
||||
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
|
||||
%
|
||||
There was an old pirate named Bates
|
||||
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
|
||||
He fell on his cutlass,
|
||||
Which rendered him nutless
|
||||
And practically useless on dates.
|
||||
%
|
||||
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
|
||||
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
|
||||
She explained, "They are flat,
|
||||
But think nothing of that --
|
||||
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
|
||||
%
|
||||
A bad little girl in Madrid,
|
||||
A most reprehensible kid,
|
||||
Told her Tante Louise
|
||||
|
|
|
|||
Loading…
Reference in New Issue