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@ -1,40 +1,4 @@
PLAYGIRL, Inc.
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
Dear Sir:
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
us.
Sympathetically,
Amanda L. Smith
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
%
MOUNTIES:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
Just like my dear Pappa.
%
FROM THE DESK OF
Snow White
@ -77,27 +41,6 @@ Several other important counterfactual beliefs are presently being studied,
including Reaganomics and that the moon landings were done in a Hollywood
special effects studio. These will be the subject of some forthcoming Papal
Bull.
%
The Snack
Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
And am I not the master of my own?
Nothing to eat?
What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
-- L. L. Zeiger
%
... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
@ -135,22 +78,6 @@ to the phone and says "It's done."
The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
"Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
%
A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
%
A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
@ -207,25 +134,6 @@ of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
%
A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
%
A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
@ -304,18 +212,6 @@ who considers my two mistresses to be her best friends."
The psychiatrist looked at the patient, confused. "Did I miss
something? It sounds to me like you have no problems at all."
"But, Doctor, I only make $175 a week."
%
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like pussy?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister."
%
A man walks into a bar and says: "I'd like a shot of twelve-year-old
Scotch". The bartender, who figures the guy is just being obnoxious, reaches
@ -349,46 +245,6 @@ his little dick!"
Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
"Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
"PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT!!!!"
%
A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
men?"
"Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
hung than *anybody*."
"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
"No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
"Running Bear Sheldon."
%
A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?"
%
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
@ -427,77 +283,11 @@ two locals pulling another man ashore on the end of a rope. "That's what
I like to see", said the priest, "A man helping his fellow man".
As he was walking away, one local remarked to the other, "Well,
he sure doesn't know the first thing about shark fishing."
%
A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
%
A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
some good news and some bad news."
He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
She replied, "You're not sterile."
%
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
%
A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
%
A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
"You get laid today, Billy?"
"Yeah, Dad."
"How was it?"
"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
"Good Boy!".
A month later: "You get laid today?"
"No, Dad."
"No? How come?"
"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
%
A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."