diff --git a/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/datfiles/fortunes2-o index 11a369c..f292e65 100644 --- a/datfiles/fortunes2-o +++ b/datfiles/fortunes2-o @@ -631,12 +631,6 @@ remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, "I have a dead pussy." The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." -% - And Jesus said unto them, "And whom do you say that I am?" - They replied, "You are the eschatological manifestation of the -ground of our being, the ontological foundation of the context of our -very selfhood revealed." - And Jesus replied, "What?" % "Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the @@ -2283,10 +2277,6 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die % 69 + 69 = dinner for 4. % -71: - 69 with two fingers up your ass. - -- George Carlin -% 7:30, Channel 5: The Bionic Dog (Action/Adventure) The Bionic Dog drinks too much and kicks over the National Redwood Forest. @@ -2582,10 +2572,6 @@ And was soft as a little duck's fluff. % A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. % -A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on -Saturday and is going to do on Monday. - -- Thomas Ybarra -% A clergical student named Simms Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: A nice piece of ass @@ -2927,8 +2913,6 @@ A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. % A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. % -A hard man is good to find. -% A huge Rambo-like fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of the bar. After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers. Anyone have a problem with @@ -3197,8 +3181,6 @@ A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be bothered with sex and all that sort of thing. -- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle" % -A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy. -% A man never minds being in the doghouse as long as he can get his tail outside. % @@ -3313,11 +3295,6 @@ there's just one little problem." % A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger. % -A Mormon is a man that has the bad taste and the religion to do what a good -many other people are restrained from doing by conscientious scruples and -the police. - -- Mr. Dooley -% A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down, swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole. @@ -3366,9 +3343,6 @@ onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?" "Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a gallon or two." % -A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms. - -- Phyllis Schlafly -% A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Aquavit or two. After a few @@ -3431,8 +3405,6 @@ daughter and says, "Well, Cindy, you've heard that word before, haven't you?" "Yes," the daughter replies, "but never in anger." % -A nymph hits you and steals your virginity. -% A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to @@ -3761,9 +3733,6 @@ her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: "You *do*?" "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" % -A woman is like a dresser... some man always goin' through her drawers. - -- Blind Lemon Pledge -% A woman is like your shadow; follow her, she flies; fly from her, she follows. -- Chamfort @@ -3886,12 +3855,6 @@ Carter the farter would start her! For conking in the brandy! AC/DC is a rock band. -- Bisexuality, 101 % -Achilles' Biological Findings: - (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity. - If he looks like a neighbor, that's environment. - (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first - -- the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster. -% Adam's Law: (1) Women don't know what they want; they don't like what they have got. @@ -4262,8 +4225,6 @@ Saw sartorial changes ahead. Soft fruit also filled him with dread. -- J. Walker, "The Love Song Of J. Alfred Prufrock" % -An Army travels on her stomach. -% An encounter with a beautiful woman is good medicine for the well organized logical mind -- a little jolt never hurt. Note that the anarchists have been saying this for years about the A-bomb and civilization. @@ -4386,12 +4347,6 @@ bar. He slams his fist on the bar and hollers, "I'm so thirsty, I could lick the sweat off of a bulls' balls!" From the back of the bar comes the cry... "Moo, moo, buckaroooooo!!!" % -anxiety, n: - The first time you can't do it a second time. - -panic, n: - The second time you can't do it the first time. -% Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high. % @@ -4593,14 +4548,6 @@ BALTIMORE: Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea collars. % -Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal). -% -Be prepared... that's the Boy Scout's solemn creed. -Be prepared... to be clean in word and deed. -Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice, -Unless you get a good percentage of her price. - -- Tom Lehrer -% BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!! % Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks! @@ -4650,11 +4597,6 @@ To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. % Bend over and take it like a man! % -Beneath this stone a virgin lies, -For her life held no terrors. -A virgin born, a virgin died: -No hits, no runs, no errors. -% Beneath this stone lies Murphy, They buried him today, He lived the life of Riley, @@ -4841,8 +4783,6 @@ Fortune updates the great quotes: #53. Candy is dandy; but liquor is quicker, and sex won't rot your teeth. % -Captain Hook died of jock itch. -% "Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty," the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is @@ -4859,8 +4799,6 @@ Qui fit un petit mannequin: Who fashioned a small doll: En effet, absolument la fin. In effect, the absolute end. -- Edward Gorey % -Chaste makes waste. -% Chastity: The most unnatural of the sexual perversions. -- Aldous Huxley @@ -4885,23 +4823,6 @@ yeah." He silently finished his drink and left. The bartender said, "You know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows." % -Chipmunks roasting on an open fire -Jack Frost ripping up your nose -Yuletide carolers being thrown in the fire -And folks dressed up like buffaloes -Everybody knows a turkey slaughtered in the snow -Helps to make the season right -Tiny tots with their eyes all gouged out -Will find it hard to see tonight -They know that Santa's on his way -He's loaded lots of guns and bullets on his sleigh -And every mother's child is sure to spy -To see if reindeer really scream when they die -And so I'm offering this simple phrase -To kids from one to ninety two -Although it's been said many times, many ways -Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Merry Christmas, Fuck you!! -% Chorus: I don't want to join the army, I don't want to go to war, I'd rather sit around, pickin' dillies off the ground, @@ -4930,11 +4851,6 @@ Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them? -- Jules Feiffer % -CHRISTIAN: - One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired - book, admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor. - -- Ambrose Bierce -% CHRISTIAN: One who follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent with a life of sin. @@ -4964,17 +4880,6 @@ Cinderella 10: % Clark Kent is a transvestite. % -Clarke's Third Law: - Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from - magic. - -G's Third Law: - In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe - is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit. - -H's Dictum: - There is no magic ... -% Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck, and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary. -- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume" @@ -4984,22 +4889,6 @@ Cleveland still lives. God MUST be dead. clitoris, n: A haired trigger. % -CLONE OF MY OWN (to Home on the Range) - -Oh, give me a clone -Of my own flesh and bone - With the Y chromosome changed to X. -And when she is grown, -My very own clone, - We'll be of the opposite sex. -Chorus: - Clone, clone of my own, - With the Y chromosome changed to X. - And when we're alone, - Since her mind is my own, - She'll be thinking of nothing but sex. - -- Randall Garrett -% Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!! % COCAINE: @@ -5007,8 +4896,6 @@ COCAINE: % Cocaine -- the thinking man's Dristan. % -Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money. -% Cocaine isn't habit forming. I should know -- I've been using it for years. -- Tallulah Bankhead % @@ -5024,8 +4911,6 @@ Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat. What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds? -- Orben's Current Comedy % -Coito ergo sum -% coitus interruptus, n: A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner) "I want to have your child." @@ -5383,14 +5268,6 @@ one minister said there are 350 different sins. My husband wants to know if you can get the list. He thinks he is missing something. -- E. J. Mayfield % -Dear Lord, observe this bended knee -This visage meek and humble, -And hear this confidential plea -Voiced in reverent mumble: - Give me Shylock, give me Fagin - But O God spare me Ronald Reagan! - -- Ansel Adams -% Dear Miss Manners: Please list some tactful ways of removing a man's saliva from your face. @@ -5472,10 +5349,6 @@ Found the body. Did you know that some people your age have sex thirty-seven times in a week? And die immediately after? % -Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"? -% -Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.? -% Dig it, first they killed those pigs, then they ate dinner in the same room with them, then they even shoved a fork in a victim's stomach. Wild! -- Bernadine Dohrn, on the Manson killings @@ -5516,14 +5389,9 @@ The bitch that bore him is in heat again. % Do something big -- fuck a giant. % -"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist. -"Who else?" answered the patient. -% Do you smoke after sex? Why, do you know, I've never looked! % -Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning. -% Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and when it is bad, it is better than nothing. -- Dick Brandon @@ -5559,9 +5427,6 @@ Don't knock masturbation -- it's sex with someone I love. Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love. -- Woody Allen % -Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash. - -- Bo Diddley -% Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!! % Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse. @@ -5653,11 +5518,6 @@ Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: embarrassment, n: Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap. % -Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant -professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast -as a male schlemiel. - -- Ewald Nyquist -% Erogenous zone, n: The skin you touch to love. % @@ -5676,8 +5536,6 @@ Wired home for two punts, one canoe. Said, "Girls on the way, But what the hell's a `panoe'?" % -Evangelists do it with Him watching. -% Even bytes get lonely for a little bit. % Evening hours "all clear" for romance! @@ -5816,11 +5674,6 @@ Feminism, n: % Feminists just want the human race to be a tie. % -Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of -women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their -handbags are full. - -- Earl Wilson -% Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful, licentious, dirty bum!! @@ -5888,8 +5741,6 @@ A circus performer named Blair, To the end of his cock, And shattered a balcony chair. % -Floppy now, hard later. -% Folks, what can I tell you about my next guest. This cat allowed himself to be adored, but not loved. And his success in show business was matched by failure in his personal relationship bag, now that's where he really @@ -5963,9 +5814,6 @@ Is the wonder drug sulfa-denial. Each part of my person, Now do something -- there's a good boy!" % -fornication, n: - Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with. -% FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15 Sex: @@ -6353,8 +6201,6 @@ and the movie, and the rest of the evening is on her. % God is a polytheist. % -God is an atheist. -% God is not dead! He's alive and autographing bibles at Cody's. % God is not dead -- he's been busted. @@ -6367,23 +6213,8 @@ checks, please. Cash and in small bills. % God isn't dead, he just couldn't find a parking place. % -God isn't dead, He's just trying to avoid the draft. -% God made the world in six days, and was arrested on the seventh. % -God must love assholes -- She made so many of them. -% -God wanted to have a holiday, so He asked St. Peter for suggestions on -where to go. - "Why not go to Jupiter?" asked St. Peter. - "No, too much gravity, too much stomping around," said God. - "Well, how about Mercury?" - "No, it's too hot there." - "Okay," said St. Peter, "What about Earth?" - "No," sighed God, "They're such horrible gossips. When I was -there 2000 years ago, I had an affair with a Jewish woman, and they're -still talking about it." -% God wants us to know that if we see a bumper sticker saying "Honk if you love Jesus" it is a bad idea to honk to express an opinion about Jesus because it will annoy the turkey who put the bumper sticker on as well as everyone else @@ -6446,8 +6277,6 @@ Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be able to get loose. -- The Joy of Sex % -Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend. -% Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen! Here's a little number I tossed up in the Caribbean recently... @@ -6492,16 +6321,8 @@ Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to you, Comrade Sun!". Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you, asshole! I'm in the West now!" % -Grain grows best in shit. - -- U. K. LeGuin -% Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. % -Gravity is an unforgiving motherfucker. -% -great lover, n: - A man who can breathe through his ears. -% GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21): July 30, 1917 On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then @@ -6527,16 +6348,8 @@ HACKER: % Hackers do it bottom-up. % -Hackers do it with all sorts of characters. -% -Hackers do it with bugs. -% -Hackers do it with fewer instructions. -% Hackers have kernel knowledge. % -Hackers know all the right MOVs. -% Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing is jerking off, why do you care how big it is? @@ -6659,14 +6472,6 @@ He lights up the proceedings, And raises the temperature. -- The Birthday Party, "Sonny's Burning" % -Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used -for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such -attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous -as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the -Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God -finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve. - -- R. E. Masters -% Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical powers. @@ -7185,19 +6990,6 @@ Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her. Here I sit, my cheeks a flexin', Just gave birth to another Texan. % -Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled with the issue -of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John Paul Stevens came up with -the famous quotation about how he couldn't define pornography, but he knew it -when he saw it. So for a while, the court's policy was to have all the -suspected pornography trucked to Justice Stevens' house, where he would look it -over. "Nope, this isn't it," he'd say. "Bring some more." This went on until -one morning when his housekeeper found him trapped in the recreation room under -an enormous mound of rubberized implements, and the court had to issue a ruling -stating that it didn't know what the hell pornography was except that it was -illegal and everybody should stop badgering the court about it because the -court was going to take a nap. - -- Dave Barry, "Pornography" -% Here's a toast to Screwy Dick, The man who was born with a corkscrew prick. He spent his life in a futile hunt, @@ -7325,11 +7117,6 @@ Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol? % How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection? % -How do you like the new America? We've cut the fat out of the -government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was -gone some time ago). All we seem to have left now is muscle. -We'll be lucky to escape with our skins! -% How should they answer? -- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question "Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?" @@ -7343,11 +7130,6 @@ HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28 be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between the keys. % -Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole. - -- John Valby -% -Hugh Hefner is a virgin. -% Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often and *always* eat what they shoot. % @@ -7380,8 +7162,6 @@ about Communism. We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his hand on the nuclear button." -- Richard Nixon % -I came; I saw; I fucked up. -% I can feel for her because, although I have never been an Alaskan prostitute dancing on the bar in a spangled dress, I still get very bored with washing and ironing and dishwashing and cooking day after relentless day. @@ -7497,16 +7277,6 @@ years old, blind in one eye, and carried a stuffed alligator labeled "Made in Taiwan". -- The Stunt Man % -I have a funny daddy -Who goes in and out with me -And everything that baby does -Daddy's sure to see, -And everything that baby says, -My daddy's sure to tell. -You must have read my daddy's verse. -I hope he fries in Hell. - -- Ogden Nash -% "I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls," the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that @@ -7567,8 +7337,6 @@ I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust an Englishman in the dark. -- Duncan Spaeth % -I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me. -% I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family is to bring a New Yorker home first. % @@ -7654,9 +7422,6 @@ I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary. If it's somebody else's secretary, fine. -- Barry Goldwater -I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. - -- Barry Goldwater -% I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass. -- Barry Goldwater % @@ -7677,22 +7442,6 @@ His Prophet Sharing Plan. I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom. -- Strange de Jim % -I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about faeces. What a lot we -had found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized -dung of long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery -from the past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle -Ages, how concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were -with the faeces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for -them: the Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of -an Otter, the Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets -of a Deer. Surely there might be some words for the material so near -to the heart of Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? -What about the Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a -Footballer, the Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, -the Footnotes of a Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties -of an Untenured Professor? - -- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels" -% I want a girl that can swallow my pride. -- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess" % @@ -7834,8 +7583,6 @@ jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth. If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like a taco? % -If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound? -% If I could reach, I'd never leave the house. -- George Carlin % @@ -7887,8 +7634,6 @@ Net Mail ... % If life's a piece of shit, Calculus III is the spoon. % -If men could get pregnant, abortion would be a sacrament. -% If men couldn't fuck there'd be a bounty on their heads. % If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to @@ -7900,12 +7645,6 @@ If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country. % If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong. % -If someone were to ask me for a short cut to sensuality, I would -suggest he go shopping for a used 427 Shelby-Cobra. But it is -only fair to warn you that of the 300 guys who switched to them -in 1966, only two went back to women. - -- Mort Sahl -% If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em. If they can, then fuck 'em. % @@ -8030,11 +7769,6 @@ Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is dropped. -- Franklyn Ajaye % -I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall, -it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French -government -- I'd give it all up for one erection. - -- Groucho Marx -% I'm Jewish. Count Basie's Jewish. Ray Charles is Jewish. Eddie Cantor's goyish. The B'nai Brith is goyish. The Hadassah is Jewish. Marine Corps -- heavy goyish, dangerous. Kool-Aid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are @@ -8187,26 +7921,6 @@ that "If I had wanted to ice the little toad, I would have done it a long time ago." -- Dennis Miller, SNL News % -In the beginning was the DEMO Project. And the Project was without form. -And darkness was upon the staff members thereof. So they spake unto -their Division Head, saying, "It is a crock of shit, and it stinks." - -And the Division Head spake unto his Department Head, saying, -"It is a crock of excrement and none may abide the odor thereof." -Now, the Department Head spake unto his Directorate Head, saying, -"It is a container of excrement, and is very strong, such that none -may abide before it." And it came to pass that the Directorate Head -spake unto the Assistant Technical Director, saying, "It is a vessel -of fertilizer and none may abide by its strength." - -And the assistant Technical Director spake thus unto the Technical -Director, saying, "It containeth that which aids growth and it is -very strong." And, Lo, the Technical Director spake then unto the -Captain, saying, "The powerful new Project will help promote the -growth of the Laboratories." - -And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that it was Good! -% In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their beauty and delicacy. A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the evening, who took him to her apartment. They made delicious love all @@ -8281,9 +7995,6 @@ in second," Palmer replied. "You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?" "No, Your Holiness. Rabbi Nicklaus did." % -It is a sad commentary on today's society that this fortune has to be -classified as "offensive" simply because it contains the word "fuck". -% It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color. @@ -8717,8 +8428,6 @@ Jesus Saves, Moses Invests, But only Buddha pays Dividends. % -Jesus was killed by a Moral Majority. -% Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food. -- From the movie "My Favorite Year". % @@ -8760,13 +8469,6 @@ crucified in the morning. Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep are scared and the women are grateful. % -kasha, n: - Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats". There's only one - problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat groats"? - I know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't help you - much. - -- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish" -% Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College: Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex for the students, and parking for the faculty. @@ -8860,8 +8562,6 @@ Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat." lagnaf, n: Let's All Get Naked And Fuck! % -Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone. -% "Last night," said a lassie named Ruth, "In a long-distance telephone booth, I enjoyed the perfection @@ -8975,8 +8675,6 @@ Lisp hackers ... have to be bound to do it. ... have Moby dicks. % -Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ... -% Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper. % Little Boy Blew... he needed the money. @@ -9232,12 +8930,8 @@ described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play. May a deranged midget on a pogo stick take refuge in your sister's hoop skirt. % -May a diseased yak take a liking to your sister. -% May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H. % -May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow! -% Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer! % @@ -9297,13 +8991,6 @@ Afflicted with psychotic warps. Is to bugger a nun, And then vomit all over the corpse. % -Megaton Man: "LOOK at them! Helpless, tender creatures, relying on - ME, waiting for ME to make my move!" - -(from below): "Move your ASS, Fat-head!" - -Megaton Man: "It is a MANDATE, and I am DUTY BOUND to OBEY!" -% Men -- can't live with 'em, can't leave 'em by the curb when you're done. % @@ -9368,9 +9055,6 @@ Oh hell, blast, and damnation! Asked a lady in there if she had the time, She said "Yes", and a strong inclination. % -Missionary position: - The missionary on top. -% Mistress Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockle shells, @@ -9415,10 +9099,6 @@ to be otherwise. % Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some. % -Motto of the Electrical Engineer: - Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis: - it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it. -% Moustache rides, 50 cents. % Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone! @@ -9609,12 +9289,6 @@ Never fly under a seagull - they'll shit on your airplane. % Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds. % -NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY: - "Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on -a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her -promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of -our "Big John" doll.) -% New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House". % New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; @@ -9818,12 +9492,6 @@ He tried to make love to a puma. Tore his testes away - - An example of animal huma. % -Oh pity the prince, Montezuma -He tried to make love to a puma. - Seems the puma, in play, - Tore his testes away -- -An example of animal huma. -% Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive. -- Don Herold % @@ -10054,21 +9722,6 @@ down." So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no, you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!" % -Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to -fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold, -the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south. -After a short time, ice began to form his on his wings and he fell to -earth in a barnyard almost frozen. A cow passed by and crapped on this -little bird and the sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure -warmed him and defrosted his wings. Warm and happy the little sparrow -began to sing. Just then, a large Tom cat came by and hearing the -chirping investigated the sounds. As Old Tom cleared away the manure, -he found the chirping bird and promptly ate him. -There are three morals to this story: -1) Everyone who shits on you is not necessarily your enemy. -2) Everyone who gets you out of shit is not necessarily your friend. -3) If you are warm and happy in a pile of shit, keep your mouth shut. -% Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious @@ -10356,10 +10009,6 @@ Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later. % Operators mount anything! % -Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, -but nobody wants to look at the other guy's. - -- Hal Hickman -% OPTIMIST: A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date. % @@ -10425,19 +10074,6 @@ infant's life, she probably would elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there were men on base. -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" % -Our team usually puts the other woman at second base, where the maximum -possible number of males can get there on short notice to help out in -case of emergency. As far as I can tell, our second basewoman is a -pretty good baseball player, better than I am, anyway, but there's no -way to know for sure because if the ball gets anywhere near her, a male -comes barging over from, say, right field, to deal with it. She's been -on the team for three seasons now, but the males still don't trust -her. They know, deep in their souls, that if she had to choose between -catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she probably would -elect to save the infant's life, without ever considering whether there -were men on base. - -- Dave Barry, "Sports is a Drag" -% Our universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding, In all of the directions it can whiz; As fast as it can go, that's the speed of light, you know, @@ -10510,8 +10146,6 @@ philadelphia flying fuck, n: Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex. -- Karl Marx % -Physicists do it with charm. -% Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay. % @@ -10542,8 +10176,6 @@ pocket pool, n: polish fly, n: You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling. % -Politicians do it to everyone. -% Pompoir: The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all. "She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with @@ -10567,12 +10199,6 @@ Had heard of, but not seen, the male phallus. She started to run, And last was seen sprinting through Dallas. % -Posterity will ne'er survey -A nobler grave than this; -Here lie the bones of Castlereagh; -Stop, traveler, and piss. - -- Lord Byron, on Lord Castlereagh -% Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex. Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing. Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex. @@ -10626,8 +10252,6 @@ in... He said, `Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a picture of this.' I said, `No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'" -- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash. % -Procrastinators do it tomorrow. -% Programmers do it bit by bit. % Programmers do it until it goes down. @@ -10738,27 +10362,10 @@ A: With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer. Q: How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street? A: Kick it over to Van Ness. % -Q: How do you play Religious Roulette? -A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck - by lightning first. -% Q: How do you tell if two elephants have been making love in your backyard? A: Your Hefty trashcan liners are missing. % -Q: How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher, - or an airline stewardess? -A: A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit." - A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over - and over again until we get it right." - An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and - nose and breathe normally." - -... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal." -... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!" -... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?" -... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!" -% Q: How do you tell that your roommate's gay? A: When his cock tastes like shit. % @@ -11304,12 +10911,6 @@ symptoms of a qwert. Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy. Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!! % -randel, n: - A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an - apology for farting at a friend. - -- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure & - Preposterous Words -% Raquel Welch: 36-24-36 Bo Derek: 35-24-36 Ann-Margaret: 37-25-36 @@ -11356,28 +10957,6 @@ real class, adj: % Real fur: the ultimate sadist symbol. % -Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers -Cocaine and procaine for twenty year molars -Reds and peyote to work out your bugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Uppers and downers and methedrine freakout -Take some amphetamines, watch your brains leak out -Acid and mescaline pull out your plugs -These are a few of my favorite drugs. - -Backs that are perfect for carrying monkeys -Users of heroin, often called junkies -Methadone helps them to stop being thugs -Takes them off one of my favorite drugs. - - On a bad trip - When the cops come - When I lose my head - I simply take more of my favorite drugs - And then I'm not sad -- I'm dead! - -- My Favorite Drugs, sung to "My Favorite Things" -% Reformed, n: A synagogue that closes for the Jewish holidays. % @@ -11540,18 +11119,6 @@ Said crew girl Angelica Bauer : At night that's not so-- He doesn't withdraw for an hour." % -Said Einstein, "I have an equation -Which to some may seem Rabelaisian: - Let V be virginity - Approaching infinity; -Let P be a constant persuasion; - -"Let V over P be inverted -With the square root of Mu inserted - N times into V ... - The result, Q.E.D., -Is a relative!" Einstein asserted. -% Said Francesca, "My lack of volition Is leading me straight to perdition; But I haven't the strength @@ -11791,9 +11358,6 @@ Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved. % Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer. % -Sex is the poor man's opera. - -- G. B. Shaw -% Sex is what women have and men want. % Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate. @@ -11852,11 +11416,6 @@ That eros spelt backwards is sore." She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed. -- Dorothy Parker % -She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic -candidates for president. - -- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", - on feminist Elizabeth Gould Davis -% She made a thing of soft leather, And topped off the end with a feather. When she poked it inside her @@ -12175,8 +11734,6 @@ I've all day sober to sunday up. % Statisticians do it with 95 percent confidence. % -Statisticians probably do it. -% Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!! % Stockmayer's Theorem: @@ -12495,10 +12052,6 @@ Have chased Spock for several years. Has spared them great pain, For his prick is as sharp as his ears. % -The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil -out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge. - -- New Libertarian Notes, #19 -% The fearless old bishop of Brest Put his faith in the Lord to the test. He fucked whores in the apse @@ -12949,8 +12502,6 @@ once, thousands upon thousands of data bits flowing from diskette to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as the helpless legs of the 32 strained to remain on the floor. % -The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me. -% The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man. "What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?" "That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over. @@ -13097,10 +12648,6 @@ certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others. The San Francisco police are nothing if not sensitive to the mood of the community. The word is that Dirty Harry has been replaced by Bitchy Gerald. % -The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a -dishonorable discharge. Without missing a beat, I said... - "It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!" -% The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth. -- Diana Rigg % @@ -13313,8 +12860,6 @@ Is not merely reading a meter. A part of his work Is dosing the food with saltpeter. % -The world is an 8000 mile in diameter spherical pile of shit. -% The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. I'll tell you a story-- @@ -13429,8 +12974,6 @@ desks. #1 returns it to him immediately. #2 pockets it. #3 invests in the market and returns $1,500 to him in the morning. Who gets the promotion? The one with the big tits! % -There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's. -% There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day they notice a sapling half-way between them. One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!" @@ -13559,18 +13102,6 @@ toothbrush?" There was something about her I liked, but I couldn't put my finger on it. % -There were the Scots -Who kept the Sabbath -And everything else they could lay their hands on. -Then there were the Welsh -Who prayed on their knees and their neighbors. -Thirdly there were the Irish -Who never knew what they wanted -But were willing to fight for it anyway. -Lastly there were the English -Who considered themselves a self-made nation -Thus relieving the Almighty of a dreadful responsibility. -% There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass? -- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends" @@ -13605,19 +13136,10 @@ Chorus: With an *ugh!* and a groan, and a kick of the heels, % There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip. % -There's more than one way to skin a cat: - Way #3 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush. - Way #27 -- Use an electric sander. - Way #32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. - Way #33 -- A bicycle pump. -% There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex. -- Billy Joel % -There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure. - -- David Mairowitz -% They ought to make butt-flavored cat food. -- Gallagher % @@ -13736,17 +13258,6 @@ tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole. This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an actual emergency, you would have known it! % -This is National Smokers-Are-Shits Week. -% -This limerick is **SO**FILTHY** that it would offend you. -So I'll put in "di-dah" for the filthy words. - - Di-dah, di-dah, di-dah di-dah, - Di-dah di-dah di-dah, di-dah; - Di-dah di-dah di-dah? - Di-dah di-dah di-dah. - Di-dah di-dah, di-dah di-fuck. -% This story concerns a man who, after putting his son to bed each night, would stand by his boy's door and listen to his son saying his prayers. One night, the boy ended his prayers with, "God specially bless Granddad, who won't be @@ -13775,8 +13286,6 @@ This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00. THORNY: A thailor at thea. % -Thou shalt not omit adultery. -% Thought: Girls get minks the same way minks get minks! % @@ -13919,27 +13428,6 @@ T-shirt of the Day: T-shirt of the Week: I'm not excited, I'm cold! % -'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod -Did groove and trip out at the pad: "Beware the Radcliff girl, my son! -All whimsy were the slamming chicks, The looks that mell, the claws that -And the Radcliffe undergrad. catch! - Beware the Byrn Mawr deb, and shun -He took his venerable staff in hand: The uppity Wellesleysnatch!" -Long time the cool young stuff he - sought -- And as in raffish thought he sprawled, -So rested he among the spree The Radcliffe girl, no idle flirt, -And paused to smoke some pot. Crept past the hippies getting balled - And doffed her miniskirt. -One, two! One, two! And through - and through "And hast thou laid the Radcliffe girl? -The venerable staff went snicker-snack! Come to my arms, my horny boy! -He left her bred, sans maidenhead, O spaced-out day! Calooh! Callay!" -And went galumphing back. He cackled in his joy. - -'Twas orgy, and the hip and mod -Did groove and trip out at the pad: -All whimsy were the slamming chicks, -And the Radcliffe undergrad. % Twenty years of romance make a woman look like a ruin; but twenty years of marriage make her something like a public building. @@ -14251,9 +13739,6 @@ it is a waste of time, and hazardous, to marry them. It leaves one open to a rival. Husbands, good or bad, always have rivals. Lovers, never. -- Helen Lawrenson, "Esquire" % -Vidi, vici, veni. -(I saw, I conquered, I came.) -% Viennese Oyster: Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course. When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length. Don't try to put @@ -14331,9 +13816,6 @@ I need someone to protect But I'm not waiting on a lady I'm just waiting on a friend -- Rolling Stones, "Waiting on a Friend" % -Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it. - -- W. C. Fields -% We ... make the modern error of dignifying the Individual. We do everything we can to butter him up. We give him a name, assure him that he has certain inalienable rights, educate him, let him pass on his name to his brats and @@ -14369,8 +13851,6 @@ Gorge yourselves from moon till noon Ever gay, we'll never grow up, Sing: GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE, GOBBLE! -- Bored of the Rings, "The Hobbits National Anthem" % -We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid. -% We came, we saw, we kicked its ass! -- Bill Murray, "Ghostbusters" % @@ -14620,10 +14100,6 @@ Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked her twice and slapped her. % -Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had -my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely -you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another! -% Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique,