diff --git a/datfiles/fortunes2-o b/datfiles/fortunes2-o index ee674ab..e36c8ce 100644 --- a/datfiles/fortunes2-o +++ b/datfiles/fortunes2-o @@ -766,23 +766,6 @@ barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!" a girl should not do before twenty." "Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large audience, either." -% - Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for -you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an -oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many -cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. - Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially -the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are -repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw -in the others. - While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture -of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took -it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. - Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had -therapy ask if people have had therapy. - Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. -Assume that she bought them at a flea market. - -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan % One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and @@ -812,19 +795,6 @@ solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing each others fuses. -- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron" -% - One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while -visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks -up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to -say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in -kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! - The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs -the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, -he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person. - Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims, -"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?" - "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He -never writes..." % One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he @@ -832,7 +802,7 @@ there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely made his TOOTSIE ROLL. He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she -squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3 +squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better than the 3 MUSKETEERS." -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem" % @@ -866,23 +836,6 @@ to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --" example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of course arise from a choice of the wrong example." -- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen" -% - Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a -state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a -dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) -and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and -eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they -shout, too): - "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!" - Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he -was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers -flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted: - "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!" - As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of -amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck! -So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck -tottering to the cliffside and shouting: - "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! % People who claim to know jackrabbits will tell you they are primarily motivated by Fear, Stupidity and Craziness. But I have spent enough time in @@ -918,46 +871,28 @@ Einstein stagger across the room for a Tylenol. A good position paper will never underestimate the value of a semicolon. -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" -% - Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old -has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable -Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" - The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is -definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho, -gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." - The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay -Santa," she begs. - He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, -you know." - She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing -at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads. - "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." - Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her -warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs. - Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey, -gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way." % Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she doesn't deserve to have any." - +% James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a major general." - +% (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." - +% Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning out of the car. "Run for your life!" - +% Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was @@ -977,27 +912,6 @@ love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a prick." "Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I assure you, that's a wee-wee." -% - Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a -certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his -own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I -care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young -statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my -dick." - While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was -asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. - "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a -whimsical smile, "They're assholes." - Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at -the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of -Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the -upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was -wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister -had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion -and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room -stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are -you staring at, homo?" - -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon % "Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of coffee?" @@ -1036,15 +950,6 @@ Jerry Falwell, would get upset about seeing the wildebeest naked. in his hand. But is it not true, that you had something in YOUR hand?" "Yes," the man admitted, "his wife. Very charming, of course, but not much good in a fight." -% - The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating -a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to -his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." - So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, -please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he -sees nothing but goyim..." - "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think -you got problems. What about my son?" % The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, @@ -1069,29 +974,6 @@ As he turned away, he heard the man say, "Ouch!". "What happened?" "Dunno," replied the man. "I just stuck out my hand like this, and -- well, I'll be damned. There goes another one!" -% - The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. -After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a -branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his -wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." - The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's -horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. -Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. -"That's two," he said. - Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit -crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was -off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he -shot the horse between the eyes. - "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I -married! You're a sadist, that's what!" - The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. -% - The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- -dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he -pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he -replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." - "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. - "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." % The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?" @@ -1166,26 +1048,6 @@ across the desert highway. A very expensive little twister rising up from the Great Red Shark. "Oh, Jesus!" he moaned. "Did you see what God just did to us?" -- Raoul Duke, "Rolling Stone", issue 95, Nov. 11, 1971 -% - THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION - - 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is - loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty - and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and - phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or - "Bullsheyet". - 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little - 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place. - 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money. - 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic. - 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat. - 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin. - 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..." - 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like. - 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl. -10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive. - -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son - of a Gun". % The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too @@ -1214,24 +1076,6 @@ using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home. The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?" "Wousy," said the girl. -% - There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go -and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain -from sex for thirty days. - Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks -the first couple if they passed the test. - "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. - "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter -the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. - "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine -until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and -I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't -stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it -to her right there." - "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into -the Church after something like that." - "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us -into Safeway anymore either." % There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. @@ -1247,103 +1091,6 @@ Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does. "Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain. And that REALLY drives her wild." -% - These two project managers were walking through a residential area -one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its -cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager -nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun --- I wish I could do that!" - Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried -it once, and the damn dog bit me!" -% - "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their -parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone -being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" - The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind -Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the -whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: - "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information -about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the -country. We're completely computerized. - "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false -leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his -real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the -country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They -look over the kid's photos and information and they say, `Oh, the Emersons... -yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. -I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' - "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. -He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. - "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year -we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if -your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" - -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 -% - This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks -the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four -months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. -He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls -up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special -surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just -come on over to the clinic." - "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too -embarrassed to be seen in public like this." - "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up -all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put -on a top hat, and come on over." - The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he -reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, -dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the -nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" - "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" -% - This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters -with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands -dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. - "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks. - Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, -the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next -requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position. - "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the -guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of -being so helpless. - "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a -*thing* 'til my nails dry!" -% - This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling -good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, -sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" - "I......I'm 21 and I I've never been kissed... -" - So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. -He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and -the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders -away feeling wonderful. - Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and -sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the -end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" - "I...I'm 21 and I've never been fucked..." - The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings -her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" -% - Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. -The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for -selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge -asked, pointing at the first girl. - "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. - "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second -girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. - "Your honor, I'm an actress." - "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about -you?" he demanded. - "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's -the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been -laid off." - "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. -Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, -arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do -for a living?" - "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." % Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow @@ -1400,12 +1147,6 @@ His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?" "I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your ass it ain't gonna be Cheerios." -% - Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about -their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife -has cut me down to just once a week." - "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know -two guys she's cut off altogether. % Two morticians alternated in sharing the responsibility of covering the night shift. One early morning about 3:00 am, a body was brought into the @@ -1425,13 +1166,6 @@ watch." He pulls out the cork, and the anus takes off singing again. The partner looks at him disgustedly and says: "You brought me down here at three in the morning just to hear some asshole sing Hello Dolly"? -% - Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other -and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen -roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for -three days." - Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?" - % We were somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert when the drugs began to take hold. I remember saying something like "I feel a bit @@ -1488,48 +1222,6 @@ operation, the young woman asked him somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!" -% - When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact -that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your -hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing -to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy -but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty -seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost -invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, -sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? - Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. -It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of -Rumania. - -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" -% - While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of -the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, -three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. -"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" - "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" - "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and -then. We're trying to catch her." - "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you -carrying a bucket of sand?" - "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." -% - While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself -out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to -France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting -proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you -aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets -and food. All it will cost you is a little love." - The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on -board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large -tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway -and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned -into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one -evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he -waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding -an explanation. She told him the whole story. - "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I -admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, Miss, I feel it is only fair -to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." % "Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last night?" demanded the irate mother. @@ -1555,17 +1247,7 @@ his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us." % "Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there be anything else?" -% - You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an -elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you -up in the bar last night?" - "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. - "Did I bring you home?" - "Uh-huh." - "Did we, uh, fool around?" - "Uh-huh." - "Lord, I must have been tight!" - "Not any more." + % ... and no philosophy, sadly, has all the answers. No matter how assured we may be about certain aspects of our belief, there are always painful @@ -1586,147 +1268,13 @@ is perfectly aware of it. Some Christians, alas, resort to formal lying to obscure such reality. -- Steve Allen % -... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed -beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and -quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's -wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at -the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald -had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all -concerned... -I gan noo wha ma organs gan -When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur -So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat -Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure - And iver her purse was wet. -But old Sir Oswald allus stank -Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree -And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out -Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see - What I have done without. -But ere ye come to draw ma heart -Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry -But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me -And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die - Afore I have a pee. - -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: - - 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. - 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. - 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. - 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. - 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. - 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. - 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. - 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. - 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. -10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: - - 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. - 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' - quarterback. - 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. - 4. You don't have to let a beer win. - 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to - sleep with it, too. - 6. A beer helps with the housework. - 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. - 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. - 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. -10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: - - 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. - 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. - 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. - 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. - 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. - 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. - 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel. - 8. A beer doesn't snore. - 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. -10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: - - 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified - aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. - 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission. - 3. A beer never fishes for compliments. - 4. Beer tastes good. - 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest - Hits" as much as you do. - 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. - 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store. - 8. Beer never asks you to change the station. - 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty - cents less expensive. -10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste - like grass. -% -10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: - - 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. - 2. Beer stains wash out. - 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. - 4. Beer never makes you wait. - 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. - 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". - 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. - 8. Beer doesn't demand equality. - 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. -10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. -% -15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: - - 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. - 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. - 3. A beer won't steal all the covers. - 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer. - 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. - 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". - 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. - 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. - 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. -10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. -11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. -12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you. -13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. -14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. -15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". -% +1 18th Rule of Friendship: A friend will let you hold the ladder while he goes up on the roof to install your new aerial, which is the biggest son-of-a-bitch you ever saw. -- Esquire, May 1977 % -20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN - 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up. - 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. - 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. - 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. - 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. - 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. - 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. - 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. - 9. A beer won't steal the covers. -10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". -11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. -12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. -13. A beer tastes good. -14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. -15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. -16. You don't have to let a beer win. -17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. -18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips". -19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. -20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. -% 667 -- The neighbor of the beast. % 68: @@ -1744,41 +1292,6 @@ And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die The Bionic Dog gets a hormonal short-circuit and violates the Mann Act with an interstate Greyhound bus. % -8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: - - 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. - 2. A beer doesn't care when you come. - 3. Beer doesn't have a mother. - 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space. - 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy - "just for the articles". - 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. - 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the "powder room" with everyone - else's beer. - 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't - make you ill. -% -A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for -more than a year. - "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" - "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." - "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He -downed his drink and left disgustedly. -A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. -He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through -this part of town?" - "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." - Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of -thing," and turned on his heel and left. - Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on -his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the -bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people -'round here would know?" - "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess." - "Seven!?" - "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see, -George don't go for that kind of thing neither." -% A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern women!" The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out @@ -1791,24 +1304,12 @@ all over him. "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister." The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame you one bit. She's *got* to be an improvement on yours." % -A bad little girl in Madrid, -A most reprehensible kid, - Told her Tante Louise - That her cunt smelled like cheese, -And the worst of it was that it did! -% A bar patron returned from the men's room grumbling to himself. "What's the trouble, buddy?" the bartender inquired. "You got John Wayne toilet paper in there!" "What do you mean?" the barkeeper asked. "It's rough, it's tough, and it doesn't take shit from nobody." % -A bather whose clothing was strewed -By breezes that left her quite nude, - Saw a man come along - And, unless I'm quite wrong, -You expected this line to be lewd. -% A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from @@ -1826,49 +1327,6 @@ beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked how he had enjoyed it. "Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!" % -A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? -I am not I, I'm a tree." - But another, more sane, - Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" -And covered his pants leg with pee. -% -A beautiful belle of Del Norte -Is reckoned disdainful and haughrty - Because during the day - She says: "Boys, keep away!" -But she fucks in the gloaming like forty. -% -A beautiful lady named Psyche -Is loved by a fellow named Ikey. - One thing about Ike - The lady can't like -Is his prick, which is dreadfully spikey. -% -A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and -purgatory for the purse. -% -A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes -one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right -away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her -thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" - "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological -abnormalities." - "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. -"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. - "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast -cancer." - "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to -having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing -now?" - "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." -% -A beetling young woman named Pridgets -Had a violent abhorrence of midgets; - Off the end of a wharf - She once pushed a dwarf -Whose truncation reduced her to fidgets. - -- Edward Gorey -% A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he would send his wife a telegram saying, "Can't come home yet. Still buying." @@ -1878,18 +1336,6 @@ rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams, she wired him, "Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying." % -A big-bosomed Bunny named Gression -Sold cigars at a key-club concession. - When she swiveled about - Even strong men cried out, -For her costume did not keep her flesh in. -% -A bisexual chap name of Lunt -Taught himself an unusual stunt. -He could peel back his spout -Turn the skin inside out -Like a glove, to be used as a cunt! -% A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow. % A blind rabbit was hopping through the woods, tripping over logs and crashing @@ -1911,69 +1357,6 @@ suppose you could try and tell me?" and slimey..." And, as he ran one paw underneath the snake, "and you have no balls. You must be an attorney!" % -A bobby of Nottingham Junction -Whose organ had long ceased to function - Deceived his good wife - For the rest of her life -With the aid of his constable's truncheon. -% -A broken-down harlot named Tupps -Was heard to confess in her cups: - "The height of my folly - Was fucking a collie -- -But I got a nice price for the pups." -% -A burleyque dancer, a pip -Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; - But she read science fiction - And died of constriction -Attempting a Moebius strip. - -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" -% -A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. -Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute -and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after -a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few -minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him -masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked. - "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!" -% -A busy young lady named Gloria -Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier - And then by six men, - Sir Gerald again, -And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. -% -A cabin boy on an old clipper -Grew steadily flipper and flipper. - He plugged up his ass - With fragments of glass -And thus circumcised his old skipper. -% -A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick -fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off -the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. - The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate -to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed -himself in an accentuated manner. - "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not -Catholic!" - "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, -"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen." -% -A cautious young fellow named Lodge, -Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. - With his date all strapped in - He committed a sin -Without even leaving the garage. - -- "A Boy and His Dog" -% -A cautious young fellow named Tunney -Had a whang that was worth any money. - When eased in half-way, - The girl's sigh made him say, -"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." -% A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea @@ -1992,102 +1375,11 @@ said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?" "How did you make him cry tonight?" "I proved it." % -A certain young man, it was noted, -Went about in the heat thickly-coated; - He said, "You may scoff, - But I shan't take it off; -Underneath I am horribly bloated." - -- Edward Gorey -% -A certain young person of Ghent, -Uncertain if lady or gent, - Shows his organs at large - For a small handling charge -To assist him in paying the rent. -% -A certain young sheik of Algiers -Said to his harem, "My dears, - Though you may think it odd of me, - I'm tired of just sodomy -Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) -% -A chap down in Oklahoma -Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, - But the sweetness of pitch - Couldn't put off the hitch -Of impotence, size and aroma. -% -A charmer from old Amarillo, -Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, - Decided one day - That to keep men away -She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. -% -A chippy who worked in Black Bluff -Had a pussy as large as a muff. - It had room for both hands - And some intimate glands, -And was soft as a little duck's fluff. -% A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party. % -A clergical student named Simms -Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: - A nice piece of ass - Gets the B-Minor Mass ... -All the others get Anglican hymns. -% -A clerical student named Pryne -Through pain sought to reach the divine: - He wore a hair shirt, - Quite often ate dirt, -And bathed every Friday in brine. - -- Edward Gorey -% -A clever young man named Eugene -Invented a jack-off machine. - On the twenty-third stroke - The fuckin' thing broke -And beat both his balls to a cream. -% A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica; most men know it's there, but few really care. % -A cocksucking steno named Beeman -Remarked as she swallowed my semen : - "On my minuscule salary - I must watch every calorie, -So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" -% -A computer called Illiac4 -Had a rather tough bug in its core. - It chewed up its cards - And spewed yards and yards -Of illegible tape on the floor. -% -A computer, to print out a fact, -Will divide, multiply, and subtract. - But this output can be - No more than debris, -If the input was short of exact. - -- Gigo -% -A contortionist hailing from Lynch -Used to rent out his tool by the inch. - A foot cost a quid -- - He could and he did -Stretch it to three in a pinch. -% -A corpulent maiden named Kroll -Had a notion exceedingly droll: - At a masquerade ball, - Dressed in nothing at all, -She backed in as a Parker House roll. -% -A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. - - [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.] -% A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy piped up, @@ -2110,112 +1402,9 @@ penis." The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled* that woman." % -A couple was fishing near Clombe -When the maid began looking quite glum, - And said, "Bother the fish! - I'd rather coish!" -Which they did -- which was why they had come. -% -A cowhand way out in Seattle -Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. - He said, "No, I can't fuck - A lamb or a duck, -But golly! it just fits the cattle." -% -A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison -And had an affair with a Saracen. - She was not oversexed, - Or jealous or vexed, -She just wanted to make a comparison. -% -A CS student named Lin -Had a prick the size of a pin - It was no good for girls - But just great for squirrels -Who squealed with delight with it in. -% -A cute little twerp from Samoa -Had a cock of one inch and no moa. - It was good for keyholes - And debutantes' peeholes -But not worth a damn on a whoa. -% -A daredevil skater named Lowe, -Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, - But is proudest of doing, - Some incredible screwing, -Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! -% -A deep-throated virgin named Netty -Was sucking a cock on the jetty. - She said, "It tastes nice, - Much better than rice, -Though not quite as good as spaghetti." -% A definition of teaching: casting fake pearls before real swine. -- Bill Cain, "Stand Up Tragedy" % -A delighted, incredulous bride -Remarked to her groom at her side : - "I never could quite - Believe till tonight -Our anatomies would coincide." -% -A dentist, young doctor Malone, -Got a charming girl patient alone, - And, in his depravity, - Filled the wrong cavity. -God, how his practice has grown. -% -A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, -With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, - Let his third-story front, - To a willing young cunt, -Who supplied him a new lease on life! -% -A desperate spinster from Clare -Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, - And prayed to her God - For a romp on the sod-- -'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. -% -A distinguished professor from Swarthmore -Got along with a sexy young sophomore. - As quick as a glance - He stripped off his pants, -But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. -% -A doctoral student from Buckingham -Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. - But a dropout from paree - Taught him Gamahuchee -So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. -% -A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, -Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. - She blew her vagina - To South Carolina, -And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. - -A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, -Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. - They found her vagina, - In South Carolina, -And part of her ass in Brazil. -% -A dolly in Dallas named Alice, -Whose overworked sex is all callous, - Wore the foreskin away - On uncircumcised Ray, -Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. -% -A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis -Wished to foster an aura of menace. - To make people afraid - He wore gloves of grey suede -And white footgear intended for tennis. - -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" -% A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place, watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few @@ -2307,13 +1496,6 @@ would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions. "First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments." % -A guest in a household quite charmless -Was informed its eccentric was harmless: - "If you're caught unawares - At the head of the stairs, -Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." - -- Edward Gorey -% A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest girl there. "This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie." @@ -2338,36 +1520,6 @@ and repeats this sequence -- several times. Finally the bartender got so curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing. Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman." % -A habit depraved and unsavory -Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery - Midst screeches and howls - He deflowered young owls -Which he kept in an underground aviary -% -A habit obscene and bizarre, -Has taken a-hold of papa. - He brings home young camels - And other odd mammals, -And gives them a go at mama. -% -A habit obscene and unsavory, -Holds a CS professor in slavery. - With maniacal howls, - He deflowers young owls, -That he keeps in an underground aviary. -% -A hacker who screwed a mag tape -Was caught and convicted of rape. - To jail he did go, - From which, to his woe -He couldn't get out with ESC. -% -A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk -Made love to the drive of his disk. - The thing circumcised him, - Which rather surprised him. -He wasn't aware of *that* risk. -% A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush. % A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird. @@ -2912,19 +2064,6 @@ A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything. % A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice. % -A programmer down in Moline -Said, I'm the match for any machine. - My secret's aversion, - To loops and recursion, -Just acres of in-line routine. - -- W. J. Wilson -% -A progressive professor named Winners -Held classes each evening for sinners. - They were graded and spaced - So the vile and debased -Would not be held back by beginners. -% A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans over and asks, "So, how high can you advance in your organization?" The priest replies, "Well, if I am lucky, I guess I could become a @@ -3192,45 +2331,6 @@ her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments: "You *do*?" "Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!" % -A woman is like your shadow; follow her, -she flies; fly from her, she follows. - -- Chamfort -% -A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive -little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. - -- Adolf Hitler -% -A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. -It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. - -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" -% -A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times -over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of -pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. - -- Stendhal -% -A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. - -- Herodotus -% -A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social -pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate -woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without -love, without virtue, without sex. - -- Balzac -% -A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. - -- Pancho Villa -% -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. - -- Gloria Steinem -% -A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. -Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. -% -A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long -as he can. - -- Moms Mabley -% A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite off his penis. diff --git a/datfiles/limerick b/datfiles/limerick index 20e7185..4fb2247 100644 --- a/datfiles/limerick +++ b/datfiles/limerick @@ -1,15 +1,250 @@ +A progressive professor named Winners +Held classes each evening for sinners. + They were graded and spaced + So the vile and debased +Would not be held back by beginners. +% +A programmer down in Moline +Said, I'm the match for any machine. + My secret's aversion, + To loops and recursion, +Just acres of in-line routine. + -- W. J. Wilson +% +A guest in a household quite charmless +Was informed its eccentric was harmless: + "If you're caught unawares + At the head of the stairs, +Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A delighted, incredulous bride +Remarked to her groom at her side : + "I never could quite + Believe till tonight +Our anatomies would coincide." +% +A dentist, young doctor Malone, +Got a charming girl patient alone, + And, in his depravity, + Filled the wrong cavity. +God, how his practice has grown. +% +A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, +With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, + Let his third-story front, + To a willing young cunt, +Who supplied him a new lease on life! +% +A desperate spinster from Clare +Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, + And prayed to her God + For a romp on the sod-- +'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. +% +A distinguished professor from Swarthmore +Got along with a sexy young sophomore. + As quick as a glance + He stripped off his pants, +But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. +% +A doctoral student from Buckingham +Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. + But a dropout from paree + Taught him Gamahuchee +So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +% +A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, +Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. + She blew her vagina + To South Carolina, +And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. + +A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, +Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. + They found her vagina, + In South Carolina, +And part of her ass in Brazil. +% +A dolly in Dallas named Alice, +Whose overworked sex is all callous, + Wore the foreskin away + On uncircumcised Ray, +Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. +% +A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis +Wished to foster an aura of menace. + To make people afraid + He wore gloves of grey suede +And white footgear intended for tennis. + -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" +% +A couple was fishing near Clombe +When the maid began looking quite glum, + And said, "Bother the fish! + I'd rather coish!" +Which they did -- which was why they had come. +% +A cowhand way out in Seattle +Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. + He said, "No, I can't fuck + A lamb or a duck, +But golly! it just fits the cattle." +% +A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison +And had an affair with a Saracen. + She was not oversexed, + Or jealous or vexed, +She just wanted to make a comparison. +% +A CS student named Lin +Had a prick the size of a pin + It was no good for girls + But just great for squirrels +Who squealed with delight with it in. +% +A cute little twerp from Samoa +Had a cock of one inch and no moa. + It was good for keyholes + And debutantes' peeholes +But not worth a damn on a whoa. +% +A daredevil skater named Lowe, +Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, + But is proudest of doing, + Some incredible screwing, +Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! +% +A deep-throated virgin named Netty +Was sucking a cock on the jetty. + She said, "It tastes nice, + Much better than rice, +Though not quite as good as spaghetti." +% +A cocksucking steno named Beeman +Remarked as she swallowed my semen : + "On my minuscule salary + I must watch every calorie, +So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" +% +A computer called Illiac4 +Had a rather tough bug in its core. + It chewed up its cards + And spewed yards and yards +Of illegible tape on the floor. +% +A computer, to print out a fact, +Will divide, multiply, and subtract. + But this output can be + No more than debris, +If the input was short of exact. + -- Gigo +% +A contortionist hailing from Lynch +Used to rent out his tool by the inch. + A foot cost a quid -- + He could and he did +Stretch it to three in a pinch. +% +A corpulent maiden named Kroll +Had a notion exceedingly droll: + At a masquerade ball, + Dressed in nothing at all, +She backed in as a Parker House roll. +% +A clergical student named Simms +Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: + A nice piece of ass + Gets the B-Minor Mass ... +All the others get Anglican hymns. +% +A clerical student named Pryne +Through pain sought to reach the divine: + He wore a hair shirt, + Quite often ate dirt, +And bathed every Friday in brine. + -- Edward Gorey +% +A clever young man named Eugene +Invented a jack-off machine. + On the twenty-third stroke + The fuckin' thing broke +And beat both his balls to a cream. +% +A certain young man, it was noted, +Went about in the heat thickly-coated; + He said, "You may scoff, + But I shan't take it off; +Underneath I am horribly bloated." + -- Edward Gorey +% +A certain young person of Ghent, +Uncertain if lady or gent, + Shows his organs at large + For a small handling charge +To assist him in paying the rent. +% +A certain young sheik of Algiers +Said to his harem, "My dears, + Though you may think it odd of me, + I'm tired of just sodomy +Let's try straight fucking." (loud cheers!) +% +A chap down in Oklahoma +Had a cock that could sing La Paloma, + But the sweetness of pitch + Couldn't put off the hitch +Of impotence, size and aroma. +% +A charmer from old Amarillo, +Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow, + Decided one day + That to keep men away +She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo. +% +A chippy who worked in Black Bluff +Had a pussy as large as a muff. + It had room for both hands + And some intimate glands, +And was soft as a little duck's fluff. +% +A busy young lady named Gloria +Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier + And then by six men, + Sir Gerald again, +And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. +% +A cabin boy on an old clipper +Grew steadily flipper and flipper. + He plugged up his ass + With fragments of glass +And thus circumcised his old skipper. +% +A bobby of Nottingham Junction +Whose organ had long ceased to function + Deceived his good wife + For the rest of her life +With the aid of his constable's truncheon. +% +A broken-down harlot named Tupps +Was heard to confess in her cups: + "The height of my folly + Was fucking a collie -- +But I got a nice price for the pups." +% +A burleyque dancer, a pip +Named Virginia, could peel in a zip; + But she read science fiction + And died of constriction +Attempting a Moebius strip. + -- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology" +% A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along And, unless I'm quite wrong, You expected this line to be lewd. % -A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? -I am not I, I'm a tree." - But another, more sane, - Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" -And covered his pants leg with pee. -% A remarkable race are the Persians; They have such peculiar diversions. They make love the whole day @@ -268,12 +503,6 @@ Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, But think nothing of that -- You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." % -A bad little girl in Madrid, -A most reprehensible kid, - Told her Tante Louise - That her cunt smelled like cheese, -And the worst of it was that it did! -% A bather whose clothing was strewed By breezes that left her quite nude, Saw a man come along