wip: yet more

datfiles/fortunes2-o

@@ -1444,21 +1444,11 @@ The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
 A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
 coming again soon.  Bend over.
 %
-A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
-hard it was to get any sleep.
-	"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
-drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
-	"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
-	"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
-%
 A game can by God repent or we'll punish it.
 That's how they did it in Salem in the seventeenth century,
 and that's how we'll do it now.
 		-- Dick Hamlet
 %
-A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
-		-- Bobby Knight
-%
 A girl's conscience doesn't really keep her from doing anything wrong--
 it merely keeps her from enjoying it.
 %
@@ -1486,16 +1476,6 @@ to the class that a "fokker" was a particular type of plane flown by the
 German Air Force.
 	He replied, "Ya, dat is true, but these fokkers were Messerschmidts."
 %
-A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
-they hoped would prove to be the missing link.  The proof of their theory,
-however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
-what characteristics the offspring would assume.  Needing volunteers, the
-scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
-	Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
-would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
-	"First," he said, "my wife must never know.  Second, any children
-must be baptized.  And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
-%
 A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
 girl there.
 	"This is a very special frog," he informs her.  "His name is Charlie."
@@ -1520,10 +1500,6 @@ and repeats this sequence -- several times.  Finally the bartender got so
 curious that he leaned over the bar and asked him what he was doing.
 	Replied the customer, "Avoiding the middleman."
 %
-A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
-%
-A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
-%
 A huge Rambo-like fellow walked into a tavern and took a seat in the middle of
 the bar.  After downing a double in one gulp, he glared at the six men to his
 right and said, "You're all no-good motherfuckers.  Anyone have a problem with
@@ -1537,59 +1513,11 @@ the thug bellowed.  "You got a problem with what I said?"
 	"No problem at all," came the reply.  "I was just sitting at the wrong
 end of the bar."
 %
-A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor.  In gratitude, the boy gave
-the hunter a magic gorilla prick.  The lad said the prick would do anything you
-told it to do until you told it to do something else.  When the hunter returned
-home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
-of his other trophies.  His wife thought it quaint and his story charming.  But
-soon, the hunter went a-safariing again.  He was away for months.  One evening,
-the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
-Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
-thoroughness and ferocity.  For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
-but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
-Gorilla Prick," but it didn't.  After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
-Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole.  But nothing
-worked.  Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
-	"Saunders, help me please!"
-	"But what is it, Madame?"
-	"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
-	"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
-%
 A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.  When
 she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.  The man shouted,
 "What, no wool?  In my country all women have wool down there."
 	The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
 %
-A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
-the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
-and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
-line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
-do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
-	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
-there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
-110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
-third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
-	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
-this here corn liquor?"
-	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
-	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
-"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
-	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
-a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
-	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
-with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
-smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
-want killed?"
-%
-A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream.  "Help! Help, I
-can't thwim!"  One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
-over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream.  Just reach out
-and grab that buoy near you."  To which the floundering sodomite answered,
-"Buoy!  Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
-%
-A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
-		-- Norman Mailer
-%
 A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
 father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
 used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
@@ -1626,12 +1554,6 @@ not aware of!"
 A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
 		-- Thomas Hardy
 %
-A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
-		-- Carrie Snow
-%
-A man always needs to remember one thing about
-a beautiful woman.  Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
-%
 A man and a woman got married.  Although it is the first time for the
 husband, it is the woman's second marriage.  As they go to bed on their
 wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
@@ -1659,71 +1581,6 @@ A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
 or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
 		-- Joan Rivers
 %
-A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
-next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
-Polish."
-	He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
-Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
-	"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
-with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
-the joke.
-	"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
-	"Nah," says the man.
-	"Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
-man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
-	"No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
-five times."
-%
-A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy.  When he wakes up
-from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
-around his bed.
-	"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
-	"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
-and you got mixed-up with another patient.  Instead of an appendectomy, we
-performed a sex-change operation.  Your penis has been removed and a vagina
-has been crafted into place."
-	"WHAT!!!" screams the man.  "That's horrible!  What am I going to
-tell my wife?  Can't you reverse it?  This means I'm never going to experience
-another erection!"
-	"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
-course, have to be someone else's."
-%
-A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-		-- Groucho Marx
-%
-A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno.  By the roadside he
-sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up.  As the man gets into his
-car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
-	"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
-	"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
-	"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
-	So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
-I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
-	"Nope," says the hijacker.  "Do it again."
-	"Again?" the driver exclaims.  "I just did it."
-	"Do it again."
-	It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
-Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
-	"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
-time."
-	The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat.  It takes him
-twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
-	"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
-	"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun.  "And this is my daughter;
-I want you to drive her into Salerno."
-%
-A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
-for companionship.  The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
-until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
-which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared.  Months later,
-a raft drifts into sight.  The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
-takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
-	"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully.  "I'd do absolutely
-anything to show my gratitude."
-	"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
-that holds up his ragged pants.  "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
-and take that damn dog for a walk!"
-%
 A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
 in-one.  As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
 	"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish.  What
@@ -1758,67 +1615,10 @@ the money."
 tears welling up in her eyes.
 	"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
 %
-A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
-longest procession he's ever seen.  It seems to consist of the hearse,
-followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
-other men.  After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
-no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
-	"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
-but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen.  What happened, who is
-the funeral for?"
-	"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
-in-law of the man at the front of the procession.  You see, his Doberman
-attacked and killed her."
-	"That's awful!", replies the onlooker.  "But... um... tell me, you
-don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
-	"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
-%
-A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
-antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
-from around here, are you?"
-	"No," replies the man with the antennae.
-	"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
-either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
-	"Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
-	"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
-there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
-	"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
-	"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
-big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
-Martians have that?"
-	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
-%
 A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
 bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
 		-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
 %
-A man never minds being in the doghouse
-as long as he can get his tail outside.
-%
-A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
-three straight scotches.  The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
-them one after another.
-	"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
-	"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
-	"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
-	"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
-the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
-%
-A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
-help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
-the train platform.
-	"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
-	"Glad to do it," said the other man.
-	"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
-	"It was a pleasure," said the man.
-	"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
-"she was a truly great lay."
-	The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
-to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
-to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
-	"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it.  But
-Sam is a helluva nice guy."
-%
 A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
 some good news and some bad news."
 	"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
@@ -1848,45 +1648,9 @@ or ten times, I guess."  "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
 satisfactory."  "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
 for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
 %
-A man was talking to his best friend about his married life.  "You know," he
-says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
-me, but there's *always* that doubt.  There's *always* that little doubt."
-	"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
-	"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
-and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone?  I trust
-her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
-	The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
-	"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend.  "The evening
-after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house.  A man
-got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
-After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him.  Then, he
-took off his shirt and she took off her blouse.  And then the light went
-out."
-	"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
-	"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
-	"Damn!" roared the husband.  "You see what I mean?  There's *always*
-that doubt!"
-%
 A man who likes to lie in bed can usually
 find a girl willing to listen to him.
 %
-A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer.  The bartender
-shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
-	"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
-the glass for me?
-	"Sure," said the bartender.
-	"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
-you'll find the money for the beer."
-	The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
-	"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
-Where is the men's room?"
-	"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
-two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
-%
-A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
-%
-A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
-%
 A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
 for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home.  One day the son
 wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
@@ -1904,56 +1668,6 @@ there's just one little problem."
 	"What's that, Dad?"
 	"They won't let you fart."
 %
-A midget had a date with a very tall girl.  It was a quiff-hanger.
-%
-A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
-swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again.  The mouse worked
-his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
-	"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
-	"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
-	The mouse's eyes bugged out.  "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
-%
-A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
-Alaska, where there were no women for miles.  He finally couldn't take it
-anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
-the pressure.
-	"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
-foreman.  "The other men swear by it."
-	The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
-his life.  "That barrel is fantastic!  Warm!  Wet!  I'm going to use it
-every day!"
-	"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
-other men replied.
-	"Why not then?"
-	"That's your day in the barrel."
-%
-A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
-on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
-over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
-As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
-from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
-"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
-you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
-	Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
-	"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
-	"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
-	Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
-to his death.
-	"DUMB YANKEE."
-%
-A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
-by the side of the street.  Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
-out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
-that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
-himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
-the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
-	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
-onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
-	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
-gallon or two."
-%
 A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
 out the local action.  He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
 Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Aquavit or two.  After a few
@@ -1971,34 +1685,6 @@ you -- I'm Thor!".
 	The woman looks at him.  "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
 like grated cheeth!"
 %
-A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
-sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
-married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
-to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
-risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
-to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
-thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
-that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
-children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
-by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
-		   attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
-		   pornography.
-%
-A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
-sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
-married.  The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
-to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
-risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
-to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
-thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
-that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
-children.  A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
-by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-		-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
-		attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
-		pornography.
-%
 A nuclear family is out golfing one day, when it becomes clear that Dad isn't
 going to win any trophies, at least on this course.  On the 3rd hole, after
 two miserable bogies, he misses a two foot putt and exclaims, "Shit!"
@@ -2023,15 +1709,6 @@ their respective houses.  After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
 the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
 said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
 %
-A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
-true to the very end of the end of a friend.
-%
-A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
-who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
-speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
-unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
-		-- Thackeray
-%
 A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
 trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments.  With this in
 mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
@@ -2045,23 +1722,6 @@ night!"
 A person who has both feet planted firmly
 in the air can be safely called a liberal.
 %
-A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
-against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
-hands.  He's moaning something about how "They took my car!"  Seeing that
-the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
-of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
-	"What happened to your car?"
-	"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
-stole it!  Please officer, get my Porsche back.  My God, it was right on
-the end of my key!  Where is it?  They stole it and it was right here;
-right on my key!"
-	"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do.  You'll have to come
-down to the stat...  Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
-yourself!"
-	"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
-%
-A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
-%
 A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
 %
 A rabbi and a priest are sitting together on a train, and the rabbi leans
@@ -2092,83 +1752,6 @@ beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
 looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
 obviously and smiles.  "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
 %
-A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
-and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
-to visit the local pet shop.  The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
-could conduct a civilized conversation.  This seemed to be an excellent
-idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
-and said, "Say `Pretty boy'."  Silence from the bird.  "Come on now, say
-`Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
-	At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
-	Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
-in the refrigerator."  Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
-its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: `Pretty boy ... pretty boy'."
-	"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
-	Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it!  Ten minutes
-in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
-	Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
-big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving.  Startled, he squawks, "My God,
-you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
-%
-A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
-his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
-sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprietor, "How much
-to replace this, Ian?"  The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four
-pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
-condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
-for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
-	Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
-says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
-%
-A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
-One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
-He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
-So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
-
-Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
-One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
-"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
-"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
-
-They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
-They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
-And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
-Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
-
-They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
-"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
-As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
-Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
-
-The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
-Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
-Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
-"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
-		-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
-%
-A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
-all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer.  "Say,
-Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
-	"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
-cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
-	"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff.  "Pretty gory work -- were
-all of 'em dead?"
-	Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
-you know how them Mex'cans lie."
-%
-A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
-act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
-styles of condoms.  The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
-for fun at the lad's expense.
-	"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
-The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
-her hand as she measured it.  When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
-a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
-tremendous discharge.  After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
-give him the proper size.
-	"I'll do more than that," she said.  "I'll give you free meals and a
-half interest in the store."
-%
 A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game.  It
 happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
 greats are there.  The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
@@ -2195,23 +1778,6 @@ pricks than those raised in Africa?"
 "the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
 about the same."
 %
-A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
-the local saloon.  After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
-hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
-	The bartender replied, "Nope.  Ain't no women in this town!"
-	"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
-	"Oh, for sex?  Did you see all those pigs in the street?  That's the
-answer, right there."
-	Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
-drinking.  Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
-wanted to try out a pig himself.  He had watched several miners walk upstairs
-to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms.  Now, he was
-game to make his move.  He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
-a nice fat, pink sow.  As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
-quiet.  In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
-	"What's the matter?  I thought all you fellows did this!"
-	"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
-%
 A stunning blonde, but probably all bean dip above the eyebrows.
 %
 A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
@@ -2224,24 +1790,6 @@ uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
 	"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
 "You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
 %
-A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
-greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
-	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
-	"Yes, Tony?"
-	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
-	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
-but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
-	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
-	"Yes, Bernie?"
-	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
-	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
-your apple."
-	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
-the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
-that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
-	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
-but business is business."
-%
 A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
 %
 A trapper named Francois Lefebrve