2810 lines
89 KiB
Markdown
2810 lines
89 KiB
Markdown
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---
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title: "List of Fortunes Removed from fortune (BSD)"
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date: 2022-11-20T02:06:44+11:00
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draft: true
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---
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# Overview
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Below are listed every moved, altered, and removed fortune.
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Bonus fun game: See if you can see where we start losing our minds.
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# Content Notice
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The following list contains (but is not limited to):
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- Rape Jokes
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- Holocaust Jokes
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- Literal, Actual Hitler Quotes
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- Cannibalism
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- Necrophilia
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- Homophobia
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- Transphobia
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- Pedophilia
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Content Notices will not be marked per-fortune[^1]. If you choose to continue reading, please do
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so knowing that there *will* be unmarked content of various levels of repungence.
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[^1]: **(Selene)** I wish I could, but there's multiple thousand fortunes in here. I have my work cut out for me as it is.
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> **(Octavia) whistles** Daaaaamn. There's a lot of limericks in here already. 5000 lines? That's just shy of 1,000.
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>
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> **(Selene) sighs** Yes, indeed. This will take us a while. And won't be pleasant. I'm not the type
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> to enjoy these types of jokes.
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>
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> **(Ashe)**: Let's see if our intrepid readers can detect the exact moment Selene gives up and I take over.
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# fortunes-o
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## Notes
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Fortunes-o will be retained as an "NSFW" list, and will be trimmed of anything repungent or outdated.
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## List of Fortunes and Decisions
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### Limericks
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**Decision**: All moved to `limerick`.
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> **(Ashe)**: I have half a mind to say the entirety of limerick should be cut. Only the very first one
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> here is even remotely amusing, and a lot of the rest hit content warnings.
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> **Several 10s of hours later**
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> Yeah no, we'll be omitting all of `limerick` in the final commit.
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> Distros are welcome to cherry-pick it back in, but we'll be pushing for removal in Alpine.
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```
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
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By breezes that left her quite nude,
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Saw a man come along
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And, unless I'm quite wrong,
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You expected this line to be lewd.
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```
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```
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A remarkable race are the Persians;
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They have such peculiar diversions.
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They make love the whole day
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In the usual way
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And save up the nights for perversions.
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```
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```
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A team playing baseball in Dallas
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Called the umpire blind out of malice.
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While this worthy had fits
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The team made eight hits
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And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
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```
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```
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A wanton young lady from Wimley
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Reproached for not acting quite primly
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Said, "Heavens above!
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I know sex isn't love,
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But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
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```
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```
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A widow who fancied a man some
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Was diddled three times in a hansome.
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When she clamored for more
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Her young man became sore
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And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
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```
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```
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A worried young man from Stamboul
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Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
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Said the doctor, a cynic,
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"Get out of my clinic;
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Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
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```
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```
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An architect fellow named Yoric
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Could, when feeling euphoric,
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Display for selection
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Three kinds of erection --
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Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
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```
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```
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He hated to mend, so young Ned
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Called in a cute neighbor instead.
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Her husband said, "Vi,
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When you stitched up his torn fly,
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Did you have to bite off the thread?"
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```
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```
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I once met a lassie named Ruth
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In a long distance telephone booth.
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Now I know the perfection
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Of an ideal connection
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Even if somewhat uncouth.
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```
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```
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In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
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Massaging the bust of his madam,
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He chuckled with mirth,
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For he knew that on earth,
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There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
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```
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```
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Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
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"My favorite sport is coitus."
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But a fullback from State
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Made her period late,
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And now she has athlete's fetus.
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```
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```
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Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
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Whose virtue was largely a myth,
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"Try as hard as I can,
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I can't find a man
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That it's fun to be virtuous with."
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```
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```
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There once was a couple named Kelley,
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Who lived their life belly to belly.
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Because in their haste
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They used Library Paste,
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Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
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```
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```
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There once was a feisty young terrier
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Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
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He'd yip and he'd yap,
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Then leap up and snap;
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And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
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```
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```
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There once was a freshman named Lin,
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Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
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A virgin named Joan
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From a bible belt home,
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Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
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```
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```
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There once was a hacker named Ken
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Who inherited truckloads of Yen
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So he built him some chicks
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Of silicon chips
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And hasn't been heard from since then.
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```
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|||
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```
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There once was a lady from Exeter,
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So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
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One was even so brave
|
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As to take out and wave
|
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The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
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```
|
|||
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|
|||
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```
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|||
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There once was a man named Eugene
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Who invented a screwing machine
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Concave and convex
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It served either sex
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And it played with itself in between.
|
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```
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|||
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|||
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```
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There once was a plumber from Leigh,
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Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
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Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
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I think someone's coming!"
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Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
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```
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```
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There once was a queen of Bulgaria
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Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
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Till a prince from Peru
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Who came up for a screw
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Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
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```
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```
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There once was a Scot named McAmeter
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With a tool of prodigious diameter.
|
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It was not the size
|
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That cause such surprise;
|
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'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
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```
|
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```
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There was a bluestocking in Florence
|
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Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
|
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Till a Spanish grandee,
|
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Got her off with his knee,
|
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And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
|
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```
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```
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There was a gay countess of Bray,
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And you may think it odd when I say,
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That in spite of high station,
|
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Rank and education,
|
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She always spelled cunt with a "k".
|
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```
|
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```
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There was a young fellow named Bliss
|
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Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
|
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For even with Venus
|
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His recalcitrant penis
|
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Would never do better than t
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h
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i
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s
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.
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```
|
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```
|
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There was a young girl from Hong Kong
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Whose cervical cap was a gong.
|
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She said with a yell,
|
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As a shot rang her bell,
|
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"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
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```
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```
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There was a young girl named Sapphire
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Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
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She said, "It's a sin,
|
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But now that it's in,
|
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Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
|
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```
|
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```
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There was a young girl of Angina
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Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
|
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From the love-making frock
|
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(With the proper sized cock)
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Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
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```
|
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|
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```
|
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There was a young girl of Darjeeling
|
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Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
|
|||
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There was never a sound
|
|||
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For miles around
|
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Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
|
|||
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```
|
|||
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|
|||
|
```
|
|||
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There was a young lad name of Durcan
|
|||
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Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
|
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His father said, "Durcan!
|
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Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
|
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Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
|
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|
```
|
|||
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|
|||
|
```
|
|||
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There was a young lady from Maine
|
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Who claimed she had men on her brain.
|
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But you knew from the view,
|
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As her abdomen grew,
|
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It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
|
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```
|
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|
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```
|
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There was a young lady named Clair
|
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Who possessed a magnificent pair;
|
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At least so I thought
|
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Till I saw one get caught
|
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On a thorn, and begin losing air.
|
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```
|
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|
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```
|
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There was a young lady named Hall,
|
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Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
|
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The dress caught on fire
|
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And burned her entire
|
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|
Front page, sporting section, and all.
|
|||
|
```
|
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|
|||
|
```
|
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There was a young lady named Twiss
|
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Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
|
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For it tickled her bum
|
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And caused her to come
|
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.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
|
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```
|
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|
|||
|
```
|
|||
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There was a young lady of Norway
|
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Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
|
|||
|
She said to her beau
|
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"Just look at me, Joe;
|
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I think I've discovered one more way."
|
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|
```
|
|||
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|
|||
|
```
|
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There was a young man from Bel-Aire
|
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Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
|
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But the banister broke
|
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|
So he doubled his stroke
|
|||
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And finished her off in mid-air.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
There was a young man named Crockett
|
|||
|
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
|
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|
His wife was a bitch,
|
|||
|
And she threw the switch,
|
|||
|
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
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|
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|
```
|
|||
|
There was a young man of Cape Horn
|
|||
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Who wished he had never been born,
|
|||
|
And he wouldn't have been
|
|||
|
If his father had seen
|
|||
|
That the end of the rubber was torn.
|
|||
|
```
|
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|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
There was a young man of St. John's
|
|||
|
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
|
|||
|
But the loyal hall porter
|
|||
|
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
|
|||
|
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
There was a young whore from Kaloo
|
|||
|
Who filled her vagina with glue.
|
|||
|
She said with a grin,
|
|||
|
"If they pay to get in,
|
|||
|
They can pay to get out again too!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
There was an old man of the port
|
|||
|
Whose prick was remarkably short.
|
|||
|
When he got into bed,
|
|||
|
The old woman said,
|
|||
|
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
There was an old pirate named Bates
|
|||
|
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
|
|||
|
He fell on his cutlass,
|
|||
|
Which rendered him nutless
|
|||
|
And practically useless on dates.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
|
|||
|
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
|
|||
|
She explained, "They are flat,
|
|||
|
But think nothing of that --
|
|||
|
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A busy young lady named Gloria
|
|||
|
Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
|
|||
|
And then by six men,
|
|||
|
Sir Gerald again,
|
|||
|
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A cabin boy on an old clipper
|
|||
|
Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
|
|||
|
He plugged up his ass
|
|||
|
With fragments of glass
|
|||
|
And thus circumcised his old skipper.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
|
|||
|
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
|
|||
|
With his date all strapped in
|
|||
|
He committed a sin
|
|||
|
Without even leaving the garage.
|
|||
|
-- "A Boy and His Dog"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A cautious young fellow named Tunney
|
|||
|
Had a whang that was worth any money.
|
|||
|
When eased in half-way,
|
|||
|
The girl's sigh made him say,
|
|||
|
"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A clergical student named Simms
|
|||
|
Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
|
|||
|
A nice piece of ass
|
|||
|
Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
|
|||
|
All the others get Anglican hymns.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A clerical student named Pryne
|
|||
|
Through pain sought to reach the divine:
|
|||
|
He wore a hair shirt,
|
|||
|
Quite often ate dirt,
|
|||
|
And bathed every Friday in brine.
|
|||
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A clever young man named Eugene
|
|||
|
Invented a jack-off machine.
|
|||
|
On the twenty-third stroke
|
|||
|
The fuckin' thing broke
|
|||
|
And beat both his balls to a cream.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A cocksucking steno named Beeman
|
|||
|
Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
|
|||
|
"On my minuscule salary
|
|||
|
I must watch every calorie,
|
|||
|
So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A computer called Illiac4
|
|||
|
Had a rather tough bug in its core.
|
|||
|
It chewed up its cards
|
|||
|
And spewed yards and yards
|
|||
|
Of illegible tape on the floor.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A computer, to print out a fact,
|
|||
|
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
|
|||
|
But this output can be
|
|||
|
No more than debris,
|
|||
|
If the input was short of exact.
|
|||
|
-- Gigo
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A contortionist hailing from Lynch
|
|||
|
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
|
|||
|
A foot cost a quid --
|
|||
|
He could and he did
|
|||
|
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A corpulent maiden named Kroll
|
|||
|
Had a notion exceedingly droll:
|
|||
|
At a masquerade ball,
|
|||
|
Dressed in nothing at all,
|
|||
|
She backed in as a Parker House roll.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A couple was fishing near Clombe
|
|||
|
When the maid began looking quite glum,
|
|||
|
And said, "Bother the fish!
|
|||
|
I'd rather coish!"
|
|||
|
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A cowhand way out in Seattle
|
|||
|
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
|
|||
|
He said, "No, I can't fuck
|
|||
|
A lamb or a duck,
|
|||
|
But golly! it just fits the cattle."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
|
|||
|
And had an affair with a Saracen.
|
|||
|
She was not oversexed,
|
|||
|
Or jealous or vexed,
|
|||
|
She just wanted to make a comparison.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A CS student named Lin
|
|||
|
Had a prick the size of a pin
|
|||
|
It was no good for girls
|
|||
|
But just great for squirrels
|
|||
|
Who squealed with delight with it in.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A cute little twerp from Samoa
|
|||
|
Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
|
|||
|
It was good for keyholes
|
|||
|
And debutantes' peeholes
|
|||
|
But not worth a damn on a whoa.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A daredevil skater named Lowe,
|
|||
|
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
|
|||
|
But is proudest of doing,
|
|||
|
Some incredible screwing,
|
|||
|
Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A deep-throated virgin named Netty
|
|||
|
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
|
|||
|
She said, "It tastes nice,
|
|||
|
Much better than rice,
|
|||
|
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A delighted, incredulous bride
|
|||
|
Remarked to her groom at her side :
|
|||
|
"I never could quite
|
|||
|
Believe till tonight
|
|||
|
Our anatomies would coincide."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A dentist, young doctor Malone,
|
|||
|
Got a charming girl patient alone,
|
|||
|
And, in his depravity,
|
|||
|
Filled the wrong cavity.
|
|||
|
God, how his practice has grown.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
|
|||
|
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
|
|||
|
Let his third-story front,
|
|||
|
To a willing young cunt,
|
|||
|
Who supplied him a new lease on life!
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A desperate spinster from Clare
|
|||
|
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
|
|||
|
And prayed to her God
|
|||
|
For a romp on the sod--
|
|||
|
'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
|
|||
|
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
|
|||
|
As quick as a glance
|
|||
|
He stripped off his pants,
|
|||
|
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A doctoral student from Buckingham
|
|||
|
Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
|
|||
|
But a dropout from paree
|
|||
|
Taught him Gamahuchee
|
|||
|
So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
|
|||
|
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
|
|||
|
She blew her vagina
|
|||
|
To South Carolina,
|
|||
|
And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
|
|||
|
Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
|
|||
|
They found her vagina,
|
|||
|
In South Carolina,
|
|||
|
And part of her ass in Brazil.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
|
|||
|
Whose overworked sex is all callous,
|
|||
|
Wore the foreskin away
|
|||
|
On uncircumcised Ray,
|
|||
|
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
|
|||
|
Wished to foster an aura of menace.
|
|||
|
To make people afraid
|
|||
|
He wore gloves of grey suede
|
|||
|
And white footgear intended for tennis.
|
|||
|
-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A guest in a household quite charmless
|
|||
|
Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
|
|||
|
"If you're caught unawares
|
|||
|
At the head of the stairs,
|
|||
|
Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
|
|||
|
-- Edward Gorey
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A progressive professor named Winners
|
|||
|
Held classes each evening for sinners.
|
|||
|
They were graded and spaced
|
|||
|
So the vile and debased
|
|||
|
Would not be held back by beginners.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
### Moved
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
|
|||
|
she will or will not be a mother.
|
|||
|
-- Margaret H. Sanger
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: This... isn't offensive? Or NSFW? Moved to `fortunes`.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
My back aches, my pussy is sore;
|
|||
|
I simply can't fuck any more;
|
|||
|
I'm covered with sweat,
|
|||
|
And you haven't come yet,
|
|||
|
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Ha ha old people can't come and men don't know how to fuck, such a side splitter.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
That said, it's the right kind of tasteless for a limerick.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: Moved to `limerick`.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
|
|||
|
have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
|
|||
|
America, with all of the military strength of America, those
|
|||
|
revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
|
|||
|
organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
|
|||
|
oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
|
|||
|
-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This is plain old true, and isn't phrased in any offensive way. Why is it here.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: Moved to `fortunes`.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
|
|||
|
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
|
|||
|
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
|
|||
|
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This... isn't objectionable or NSFW?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: Moved to `fortunes2`.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
### Altered
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Typo? Typo.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Changed to**:
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
The United States Army:
|
|||
|
194 years of proud service,
|
|||
|
unhampered by progress.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
This one actually got a chuckle. Updated for 2023.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Changed to**:
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
The United States Army:
|
|||
|
248 years of proud service,
|
|||
|
unhampered by progress.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
|
|||
|
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
|
|||
|
the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
|
|||
|
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
|
|||
|
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
|
|||
|
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
|
|||
|
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
|
|||
|
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
|
|||
|
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
|
|||
|
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
|
|||
|
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
|
|||
|
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
|
|||
|
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
|
|||
|
the dining room skylight."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Honestly, decent joke. Let's cut back on the objectification though.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Changed to**:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Joan spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
|
|||
|
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that
|
|||
|
no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall
|
|||
|
tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
|
|||
|
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
|
|||
|
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
|
|||
|
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
|
|||
|
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
|
|||
|
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
|
|||
|
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
|
|||
|
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
|
|||
|
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
|
|||
|
the dining room skylight."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
|
|||
|
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
|
|||
|
there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
|
|||
|
made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
|
|||
|
He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
|
|||
|
which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
|
|||
|
squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
|
|||
|
MUSKETEERS."
|
|||
|
-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Typo.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**From**: `"you're better then the 3 MUSKETEERS."`
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**To**: `"you're better than the 3 MUSKETEERS."`
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
|
|||
|
stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
|
|||
|
this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
|
|||
|
doesn't deserve to have any."
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
|
|||
|
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
|
|||
|
remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
|
|||
|
major general."
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
|
|||
|
complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a
|
|||
|
while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
|
|||
|
pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
|
|||
|
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
|
|||
|
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
|
|||
|
on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
|
|||
|
out of the car. "Run for your life!"
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
|
|||
|
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
|
|||
|
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
|
|||
|
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
|
|||
|
house."
|
|||
|
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
|
|||
|
maybe, but not in the House."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
These are five separate fortunes.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: Split into five.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
### Removed
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
|
|||
|
released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
|
|||
|
enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
|
|||
|
-- Ronald Reagan
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: Removed for being outright disinformation.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Behold the unborn fetus and
|
|||
|
Weep salt tears crocodilian;
|
|||
|
All life is sacred (save, of course,
|
|||
|
An enemy civilian).
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
On one level, this is jaded as all hell, so it stays in the NSFW zone. On the other, combative in all
|
|||
|
the wrong ways.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: Nixed.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
|
|||
|
pillage!!
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
\[sic\]
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This is... a bit too fucked up for a general fortunes program.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
|
|||
|
later you wish you'd never come.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Wildly misogynistic.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
... Seats 500.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
This isn't funny.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
|
|||
|
(1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
|
|||
|
sleep in the wet spot.
|
|||
|
(2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
|
|||
|
themselves.
|
|||
|
(3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
|
|||
|
married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
|
|||
|
your brother!
|
|||
|
(4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
|
|||
|
(5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
|
|||
|
wet.
|
|||
|
(6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
|
|||
|
boy".
|
|||
|
(7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
|
|||
|
(8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
|
|||
|
(9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
|
|||
|
pillow.
|
|||
|
(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
|
|||
|
(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
|
|||
|
left it.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
So we follow misogyny with misandry. Sure.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Misandric, and not funny.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
|
|||
|
and you didn't scream?
|
|||
|
A: No ma'am.
|
|||
|
Q: Does that mean you consented?
|
|||
|
A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Seeing bad rape jokes when you log in is too fucked. Also not funny.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Inaccurate, not funny, serves no purpose. He's also dead.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Kill a commie for Christ!
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This'd get you a stern talking-to at most jobs.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Not appropriate for baseline `fortunes`. Add it back in if you like shock humour.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Stay classy, Unix.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
As above.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Once a young gay from Khartoum
|
|||
|
Took a lesbian up to his room.
|
|||
|
They argued all night
|
|||
|
Over who had the right
|
|||
|
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Where is the joke? You promised there would be joak.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: Removed, but marginal.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
|
|||
|
be?
|
|||
|
A: A fur coat.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
As above.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
|
|||
|
A: Two hours of begging.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: Plain racism. No.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
|
|||
|
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
|
|||
|
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
|
|||
|
grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
|
|||
|
liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
|
|||
|
do with the other.
|
|||
|
-- Jules Feiffer
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
So now we're both misogynistic and homophobic? No thanks.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Back to racism, we see.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
|
|||
|
-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
|
|||
|
the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
|
|||
|
Association
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
|
|||
|
Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
What the FUCK.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: No. Removed. Another instance of just shock humour.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: Back to the misandry. Removed.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Virgin, n.:
|
|||
|
An ugly third grader.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
N-No? How about we don't.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
|
|||
|
-- Frederick B. Artz
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The pun is almost cute, but misogyny isn't.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
|
|||
|
get back inside.
|
|||
|
-- Heathcote Williams
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
30 GOTO 10
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
|
|||
|
and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
|
|||
|
there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
|
|||
|
name.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(b) Ask what position she played.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Nothing wrong with being a sex worker.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
... But among the children of the Great Society there were
|
|||
|
those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
|
|||
|
and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
|
|||
|
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
|
|||
|
they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
|
|||
|
people go to the front of the bus."
|
|||
|
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
|
|||
|
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
|
|||
|
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
|
|||
|
unto a snowball in Hell."
|
|||
|
-- "The Begatting of a President"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: No. Just... no. Removed.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
|
|||
|
-- Charles Merrill Smith
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Sexism? It's definitely sexism of some sort.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
When God created man, She was only testing.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Another one mocking an entire group. Let's not.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
|
|||
|
then she isn't good enough for you.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
More sexism. As ever, stay classy.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
We have reason to believe that man first
|
|||
|
walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
|
|||
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
More sexism. This'd be fine if it didn't gender, but it's a quote.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
War is menstruation envy.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Vaguely misandric. Also kinda ???
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
|
|||
|
women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
|
|||
|
handbags are full.
|
|||
|
-- Earl Wilson
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Vaguely sexist in both directions.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
|
|||
|
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
|
|||
|
-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Brutal, but racist as all hell.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
O'Riordan's Theorem:
|
|||
|
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Purmal's Corollary:
|
|||
|
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
|
|||
|
availability goes to zero.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Yet more sexism.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
# fortunes2-o
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
## Notes
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
As with the other `-o` file, this will be retained as an NSFW list, but will be stripped of anything outright repungent.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
`fortunes2-o` has also been scrubbed for any duplicates found (or removed from) in fortunes-o.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
## List of Fortunes and Decisions
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
### Limericks
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
As before, these have been moved to `limerick`.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
### Moved
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
### Altered
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
### Removed
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
MOUNTIES:
|
|||
|
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
|
|||
|
I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
|
|||
|
all day.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
|
|||
|
I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
|
|||
|
On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
|
|||
|
And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
|
|||
|
I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
|
|||
|
I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
|
|||
|
And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
|
|||
|
Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
|
|||
|
I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
|
|||
|
Just like my dear Pappa.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
We're torn. This is a classic bit, but it's not aged well. Cleese is also a transphobic chud.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: ... Removed.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
The Snack
|
|||
|
Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
|
|||
|
recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
|
|||
|
caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
|
|||
|
I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
|
|||
|
And am I not the master of my own?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nothing to eat?
|
|||
|
What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
|
|||
|
just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
|
|||
|
Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
|
|||
|
-- L. L. Zeiger
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This is less NSFW and more just awful.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
PLAYGIRL, Inc.
|
|||
|
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
|
|||
|
Dear Sir:
|
|||
|
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
|
|||
|
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
|
|||
|
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
|
|||
|
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
|
|||
|
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
|
|||
|
long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
|
|||
|
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
|
|||
|
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
|
|||
|
us.
|
|||
|
Sympathetically,
|
|||
|
Amanda L. Smith
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
|
|||
|
wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Demonic burn, but also quite mean-spirited.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
|
|||
|
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
|
|||
|
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
|
|||
|
following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
|
|||
|
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
|
|||
|
the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
|
|||
|
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
|
|||
|
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
|
|||
|
At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
|
|||
|
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
|
|||
|
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
|
|||
|
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
|
|||
|
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
|
|||
|
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
|
|||
|
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Dated on several levels.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
|
|||
|
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
|
|||
|
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
|
|||
|
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
|
|||
|
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
|
|||
|
the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
|
|||
|
downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
|
|||
|
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
|
|||
|
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
|
|||
|
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
|
|||
|
blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
|
|||
|
only blurt out, "What happened?"
|
|||
|
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
|
|||
|
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
|
|||
|
grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
|
|||
|
hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
|
|||
|
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
|
|||
|
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
No. Keep this if you like this kinda humour but this is a bit too cooked for most
|
|||
|
distributions in our opinion.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
|
|||
|
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
|
|||
|
"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
|
|||
|
About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
|
|||
|
6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
|
|||
|
To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
|
|||
|
are lovers."
|
|||
|
Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
|
|||
|
NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
|
|||
|
in your family like pussy?"
|
|||
|
"Yeah. Me and my sister."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Plain and outright homophobia.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
|
|||
|
flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
|
|||
|
large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
|
|||
|
"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
|
|||
|
"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
|
|||
|
After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
|
|||
|
asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
|
|||
|
men?"
|
|||
|
"Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
|
|||
|
hung than *anybody*."
|
|||
|
"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
|
|||
|
"No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
|
|||
|
all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
|
|||
|
"Running Bear Sheldon."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Double racism! Fun!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
|
|||
|
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
|
|||
|
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
|
|||
|
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
|
|||
|
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
|
|||
|
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
|
|||
|
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
|
|||
|
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
|
|||
|
"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
|
|||
|
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
|
|||
|
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
|
|||
|
hasn't been your day, has it?"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
No. No justification needed. Just. No.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
|
|||
|
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
|
|||
|
man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
|
|||
|
fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
|
|||
|
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
|
|||
|
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
|
|||
|
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
|
|||
|
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
|
|||
|
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
|
|||
|
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
|
|||
|
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This is in bad taste, and shouldn't be in a general distro.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
|
|||
|
car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
|
|||
|
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
|
|||
|
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
|
|||
|
Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
|
|||
|
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
|
|||
|
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
|
|||
|
"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
|
|||
|
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
|
|||
|
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
|
|||
|
"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
|
|||
|
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Bestiality is not a good fit.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
|
|||
|
consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
|
|||
|
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
|
|||
|
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
|
|||
|
and lustful pursuits.
|
|||
|
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
|
|||
|
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
|
|||
|
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
|
|||
|
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
|
|||
|
The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
|
|||
|
a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
|
|||
|
affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
|
|||
|
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
|
|||
|
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
|
|||
|
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Not horrendously inappropriate, but aged out.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
|
|||
|
for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
|
|||
|
qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
|
|||
|
white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
|
|||
|
The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
|
|||
|
that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
|
|||
|
him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
|
|||
|
"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
|
|||
|
your dog, here, talk!"
|
|||
|
"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
|
|||
|
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
|
|||
|
good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
|
|||
|
"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
|
|||
|
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
|
|||
|
"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
|
|||
|
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
|
|||
|
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
|
|||
|
The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
|
|||
|
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
|
|||
|
"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Dated language, and racism.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
|
|||
|
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
|
|||
|
She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
|
|||
|
work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
|
|||
|
should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
|
|||
|
So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
|
|||
|
"You get laid today, Billy?"
|
|||
|
"Yeah, Dad."
|
|||
|
"How was it?"
|
|||
|
"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
|
|||
|
"Good Boy!".
|
|||
|
A month later: "You get laid today?"
|
|||
|
"No, Dad."
|
|||
|
"No? How come?"
|
|||
|
"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
If I have to tell you why this is too messy for default fortunes, have a solid think about your life.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
|
|||
|
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names, please?"
|
|||
|
said the soldier.
|
|||
|
"My name is Mary," said the woman.
|
|||
|
"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
|
|||
|
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
|
|||
|
going?"
|
|||
|
"To Bethlehem."
|
|||
|
"Your reason for going there?"
|
|||
|
"To pay our taxes to the government."
|
|||
|
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
|
|||
|
"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
|
|||
|
Ricans?"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
More casual racism!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
|
|||
|
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
|
|||
|
"I have a dead pussy."
|
|||
|
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
|
|||
|
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Random misogyny, let's not.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
|
|||
|
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
|
|||
|
an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
|
|||
|
rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
|
|||
|
a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
|
|||
|
all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
|
|||
|
15 minutes a day!
|
|||
|
SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
|
|||
|
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
|
|||
|
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
|
|||
|
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
|
|||
|
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
|
|||
|
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
|
|||
|
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
|
|||
|
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
|
|||
|
immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
|
|||
|
textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
|
|||
|
limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
More misogyny. The ad copy format is amusing, but it doesn't save it.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
|
|||
|
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
|
|||
|
executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
|
|||
|
loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
|
|||
|
pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
|
|||
|
was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
|
|||
|
"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
|
|||
|
finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
|
|||
|
lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
|
|||
|
was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
|
|||
|
regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
|
|||
|
he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
|
|||
|
following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
|
|||
|
to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
|
|||
|
muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
|
|||
|
a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
And now we add rape jokes to the mix.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
|
|||
|
Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
|
|||
|
the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
|
|||
|
one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
|
|||
|
have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
|
|||
|
was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
|
|||
|
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
|
|||
|
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
|
|||
|
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
|
|||
|
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
|
|||
|
Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
|
|||
|
Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
|
|||
|
me fuck-em all."
|
|||
|
Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
|
|||
|
Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
|
|||
|
Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
|
|||
|
Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
|
|||
|
Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
|
|||
|
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
|
|||
|
too fast."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Yet more bestiality, and some casual racism!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
|
|||
|
skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
|
|||
|
calf they were sucking hind teat...
|
|||
|
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
|
|||
|
called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
|
|||
|
the front of the bus."
|
|||
|
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
|
|||
|
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
|
|||
|
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
|
|||
|
unto a snowball in Hell."
|
|||
|
-- "The Begatting of a President"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
No.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
|
|||
|
your penis?"
|
|||
|
"Uh, not right now."
|
|||
|
"Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
|
|||
|
-- Real Genius
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Where is joke. You promised there would be joke.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: 404 funny not found.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
|
|||
|
Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
|
|||
|
Sept 28 Blind Academy
|
|||
|
Sept 30 World War I Veterans
|
|||
|
Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
|
|||
|
Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
|
|||
|
Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
|
|||
|
Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
|
|||
|
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
|
|||
|
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Umm, let's not.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
|
|||
|
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
|
|||
|
"But this is different," protested her husband.
|
|||
|
"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
|
|||
|
Now tell me what our problem is."
|
|||
|
"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
|
|||
|
bastard child."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: 404 humour not found.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
|
|||
|
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
|
|||
|
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
|
|||
|
hit my wife."
|
|||
|
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
|
|||
|
at mine, over there."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Haha unhappy marriage ha.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
|
|||
|
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
|
|||
|
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Wife bad, please laugh.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
> **(Selene)** To be clear, she's being sarcastic.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
|
|||
|
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
|
|||
|
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
|
|||
|
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
|
|||
|
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
|
|||
|
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
|
|||
|
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
|
|||
|
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
|
|||
|
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
|
|||
|
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
|
|||
|
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
|
|||
|
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
|
|||
|
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
|
|||
|
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
|
|||
|
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Brick joke, but a very dodgy one.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
|
|||
|
and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
|
|||
|
than fried chicken, is it?"
|
|||
|
Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
|
|||
|
"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
|
|||
|
And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
|
|||
|
Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
|
|||
|
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
|
|||
|
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
|
|||
|
finest I've ever had."
|
|||
|
-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
What.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
|
|||
|
said the guy aggressively.
|
|||
|
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
|
|||
|
"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
|
|||
|
town."
|
|||
|
"Oh, no, you won't."
|
|||
|
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
|
|||
|
"Oh, no, you won't."
|
|||
|
"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
|
|||
|
"Oh, no, you're not."
|
|||
|
"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
|
|||
|
"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Where is joak.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
**Decision**: 404 funny not found.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
|
|||
|
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
|
|||
|
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
|
|||
|
and sarcastic?"
|
|||
|
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
|
|||
|
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Haha man bad.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
|
|||
|
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
|
|||
|
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
|
|||
|
dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
|
|||
|
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
|
|||
|
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
And now we add stalking to the list. Let's go.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
|
|||
|
"Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
|
|||
|
"Do it alone?"
|
|||
|
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
|
|||
|
"How would that help?"
|
|||
|
"Used a whip."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Animal abuse isn't that funny, and this isn't a good punchline.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"Hello, Police Department."
|
|||
|
"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
|
|||
|
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
|
|||
|
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
|
|||
|
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
|
|||
|
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
|
|||
|
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
|
|||
|
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
|
|||
|
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
|
|||
|
couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
|
|||
|
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
|
|||
|
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
|
|||
|
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
|
|||
|
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
|
|||
|
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
|
|||
|
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
|
|||
|
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
|
|||
|
"What's the matter, mister?"
|
|||
|
"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Noooooope.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
|
|||
|
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
|
|||
|
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
|
|||
|
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
|
|||
|
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
|
|||
|
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
|
|||
|
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
|
|||
|
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
|
|||
|
like twenty more gallons of water.
|
|||
|
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
|
|||
|
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
|
|||
|
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
|
|||
|
bricks."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Yet more animal abuse.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
|
|||
|
"Oh, how can you tell?"
|
|||
|
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
|
|||
|
hear the stereo."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Nowhere near the worst thing here, but if we're cleaning up the list, making fun of fat people is going too.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
|
|||
|
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
|
|||
|
I'm on my way."
|
|||
|
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
More wife bad.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
|
|||
|
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
|
|||
|
One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
|
|||
|
them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
|
|||
|
Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
|
|||
|
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
|
|||
|
Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
|
|||
|
brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Sexism ahoy.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
|
|||
|
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
|
|||
|
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
|
|||
|
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
|
|||
|
"Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
|
|||
|
country there's only one."
|
|||
|
"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
|
|||
|
that?"
|
|||
|
"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
|
|||
|
"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The French are all gay? Classic.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
|
|||
|
Jewish men?"
|
|||
|
"You really want to know?"
|
|||
|
"Yeah."
|
|||
|
"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
|
|||
|
Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
I uh. what.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
|
|||
|
seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
|
|||
|
with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
|
|||
|
it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
|
|||
|
again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
|
|||
|
suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
|
|||
|
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
|
|||
|
become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
|
|||
|
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
|
|||
|
some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
|
|||
|
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
|
|||
|
male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
|
|||
|
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
|
|||
|
male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
|
|||
|
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
|
|||
|
on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
|
|||
|
a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
|
|||
|
matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
|
|||
|
Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
|
|||
|
has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
|
|||
|
why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
|
|||
|
to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
|
|||
|
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Well, at least this one is sexist to everyone.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
|
|||
|
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
|
|||
|
times a job applicant has had the clap.
|
|||
|
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
|
|||
|
by a professional liar?
|
|||
|
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
|
|||
|
did the applicant go to TCU?
|
|||
|
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
|
|||
|
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
|
|||
|
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
With context? This is still sketchy as fuck. Sans context? It's gross as all hell.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
|
|||
|
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
|
|||
|
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
|
|||
|
alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
|
|||
|
dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
|
|||
|
saying."
|
|||
|
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
|
|||
|
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
|
|||
|
to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
|
|||
|
singing."
|
|||
|
"Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
|
|||
|
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Just a hair too gruesome for a general purpose fortunes program.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
|
|||
|
bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
|
|||
|
court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
|
|||
|
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
|
|||
|
pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
|
|||
|
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
|
|||
|
played appropriate music.
|
|||
|
Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
|
|||
|
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
|
|||
|
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
|
|||
|
multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
|
|||
|
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
|
|||
|
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
|
|||
|
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
|
|||
|
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
|
|||
|
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
|
|||
|
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The *children*? While the 1-2-3 setup is good, the punchline is "dick big", so dropping it.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
|
|||
|
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
|
|||
|
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
|
|||
|
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
|
|||
|
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
|
|||
|
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
|
|||
|
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
|
|||
|
in the others.
|
|||
|
While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
|
|||
|
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
|
|||
|
it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
|
|||
|
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
|
|||
|
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
|
|||
|
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
|
|||
|
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
|
|||
|
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Thoroughly mid on this one. It makes some dated presumptions but it's not egregious.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
|
|||
|
visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
|
|||
|
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
|
|||
|
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
|
|||
|
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
|
|||
|
The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
|
|||
|
the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
|
|||
|
he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
|
|||
|
Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
|
|||
|
"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
|
|||
|
"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
|
|||
|
never writes..."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This one is another case of too much for `fortune`.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
|
|||
|
state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
|
|||
|
dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
|
|||
|
and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
|
|||
|
eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
|
|||
|
shout, too):
|
|||
|
"I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
|
|||
|
Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
|
|||
|
was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
|
|||
|
flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
|
|||
|
"I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
|
|||
|
As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
|
|||
|
amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
|
|||
|
So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
|
|||
|
tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
|
|||
|
"I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Will the "haha rape is funny" fortunes ever stop? Place your bets now.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
|
|||
|
has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
|
|||
|
Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
|
|||
|
The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
|
|||
|
definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
|
|||
|
gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
|
|||
|
The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
|
|||
|
Santa," she begs.
|
|||
|
He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
|
|||
|
you know."
|
|||
|
She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
|
|||
|
at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
|
|||
|
"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
|
|||
|
Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
|
|||
|
warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
|
|||
|
Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
|
|||
|
gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
... No. If you need a reason, how about "nubile sixteen-year-old" and "Santa Claus is an elderly dude".
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
|
|||
|
certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
|
|||
|
own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
|
|||
|
care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
|
|||
|
statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
|
|||
|
dick."
|
|||
|
While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
|
|||
|
asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
|
|||
|
"They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
|
|||
|
whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
|
|||
|
Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
|
|||
|
the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
|
|||
|
Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
|
|||
|
upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
|
|||
|
wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
|
|||
|
had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
|
|||
|
and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
|
|||
|
stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
|
|||
|
you staring at, homo?"
|
|||
|
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The casual misogyny and homophobia, while accurate to the quoted individual,
|
|||
|
don't belong in a general-purpose fortunes program.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
|
|||
|
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
|
|||
|
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
|
|||
|
So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
|
|||
|
please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
|
|||
|
sees nothing but goyim..."
|
|||
|
"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
|
|||
|
you got problems. What about my son?"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Let's not "the" people, yeah?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
|
|||
|
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
|
|||
|
branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
|
|||
|
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
|
|||
|
The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
|
|||
|
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
|
|||
|
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
|
|||
|
"That's two," he said.
|
|||
|
Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
|
|||
|
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
|
|||
|
off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
|
|||
|
shot the horse between the eyes.
|
|||
|
"You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
|
|||
|
married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
|
|||
|
The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
No.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
|
|||
|
dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
|
|||
|
pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
|
|||
|
replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
|
|||
|
"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
|
|||
|
"Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The answer was no, the rape jokes do not, in fact, stop.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
|
|||
|
loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
|
|||
|
and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
|
|||
|
phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
|
|||
|
"Bullsheyet".
|
|||
|
2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
|
|||
|
380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
|
|||
|
3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
|
|||
|
4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
|
|||
|
5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
|
|||
|
6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
|
|||
|
7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
|
|||
|
8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
|
|||
|
9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
|
|||
|
10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
|
|||
|
-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
|
|||
|
of a Gun".
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The misogyny continues!
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
|
|||
|
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
|
|||
|
from sex for thirty days.
|
|||
|
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
|
|||
|
the first couple if they passed the test.
|
|||
|
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
|
|||
|
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
|
|||
|
the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
|
|||
|
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
|
|||
|
until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
|
|||
|
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
|
|||
|
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
|
|||
|
to her right there."
|
|||
|
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
|
|||
|
the Church after something like that."
|
|||
|
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
|
|||
|
into Safeway anymore either."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
... *groans*
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
These two project managers were walking through a residential area
|
|||
|
one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
|
|||
|
cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
|
|||
|
nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
|
|||
|
-- I wish I could do that!"
|
|||
|
Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
|
|||
|
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The classic misunderstanding the prompt punchline, but bestiality is a line too far for most distributions.
|
|||
|
Add it back in if you care.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
|
|||
|
parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
|
|||
|
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
|
|||
|
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
|
|||
|
Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
|
|||
|
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
|
|||
|
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
|
|||
|
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
|
|||
|
country. We're completely computerized.
|
|||
|
"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
|
|||
|
leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
|
|||
|
real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
|
|||
|
country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
|
|||
|
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, `Oh, the Emersons...
|
|||
|
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
|
|||
|
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
|
|||
|
"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
|
|||
|
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
|
|||
|
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
|
|||
|
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
|
|||
|
your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
|
|||
|
-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Yes, this is the Lampoon, but even so, this is dated and a bit racist towards the end.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
|
|||
|
the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
|
|||
|
months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
|
|||
|
He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
|
|||
|
up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
|
|||
|
surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
|
|||
|
come on over to the clinic."
|
|||
|
"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
|
|||
|
embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
|
|||
|
"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
|
|||
|
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
|
|||
|
on a top hat, and come on over."
|
|||
|
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
|
|||
|
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
|
|||
|
dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
|
|||
|
nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
|
|||
|
"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Gross.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
|
|||
|
with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
|
|||
|
dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
|
|||
|
"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
|
|||
|
Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
|
|||
|
the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
|
|||
|
requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
|
|||
|
"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
|
|||
|
guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
|
|||
|
being so helpless.
|
|||
|
"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
|
|||
|
*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This isn't explicit homophobia, but it's implied that this is the punchline?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
|
|||
|
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
|
|||
|
sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
|
|||
|
"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
|
|||
|
<sniffle>"
|
|||
|
So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
|
|||
|
He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
|
|||
|
the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
|
|||
|
away feeling wonderful.
|
|||
|
Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
|
|||
|
sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
|
|||
|
end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
|
|||
|
"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
|
|||
|
The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
|
|||
|
her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Another "misunderstanding the prompt", but this one is actively ableist, so let's not.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
|
|||
|
The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
|
|||
|
selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
|
|||
|
asked, pointing at the first girl.
|
|||
|
"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
|
|||
|
"Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
|
|||
|
girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
|
|||
|
"Your honor, I'm an actress."
|
|||
|
"Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
|
|||
|
you?" he demanded.
|
|||
|
"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
|
|||
|
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
|
|||
|
laid off."
|
|||
|
"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
|
|||
|
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
|
|||
|
arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
|
|||
|
for a living?"
|
|||
|
"Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Is it a sexism? Is it an antisemitism? Who knows! (It's both!)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
|
|||
|
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
|
|||
|
has cut me down to just once a week."
|
|||
|
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
|
|||
|
two guys she's cut off altogether."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
More sexism.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
|
|||
|
and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
|
|||
|
roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
|
|||
|
three days."
|
|||
|
Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Lol. Lmao. Women hate sex, amirite fellow males? /s
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Pass.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
|
|||
|
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
|
|||
|
hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
|
|||
|
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
|
|||
|
but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
|
|||
|
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
|
|||
|
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
|
|||
|
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
|
|||
|
Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
|
|||
|
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
|
|||
|
Rumania.
|
|||
|
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Equally "all dudes suck, amirite fellow ladies?" ain't it.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
|
|||
|
the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
|
|||
|
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
|
|||
|
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
|
|||
|
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
|
|||
|
"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
|
|||
|
then. We're trying to catch her."
|
|||
|
"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
|
|||
|
carrying a bucket of sand?"
|
|||
|
"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Hard no.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
|
|||
|
out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
|
|||
|
France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
|
|||
|
proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
|
|||
|
aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
|
|||
|
and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
|
|||
|
The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
|
|||
|
board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
|
|||
|
tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
|
|||
|
and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
|
|||
|
into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
|
|||
|
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
|
|||
|
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
|
|||
|
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
|
|||
|
"Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
|
|||
|
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, Miss, I feel it is only fair
|
|||
|
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Gross.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
|
|||
|
elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
|
|||
|
up in the bar last night?"
|
|||
|
"Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
|
|||
|
"Did I bring you home?"
|
|||
|
"Uh-huh."
|
|||
|
"Did we, uh, fool around?"
|
|||
|
"Uh-huh."
|
|||
|
"Lord, I must have been tight!"
|
|||
|
"Not any more."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Ehhhhh, let's not. Put it back in if you care.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
|
|||
|
beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
|
|||
|
quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
|
|||
|
wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
|
|||
|
the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
|
|||
|
had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
|
|||
|
concerned...
|
|||
|
I gan noo wha ma organs gan
|
|||
|
When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
|
|||
|
So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
|
|||
|
Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
|
|||
|
And iver her purse was wet.
|
|||
|
But old Sir Oswald allus stank
|
|||
|
Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
|
|||
|
And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
|
|||
|
Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
|
|||
|
What I have done without.
|
|||
|
But ere ye come to draw ma heart
|
|||
|
Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
|
|||
|
But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
|
|||
|
And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
|
|||
|
Afore I have a pee.
|
|||
|
-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Kinda a rape joke, but also way too crass for general purpose.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
0 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
|
|||
|
2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
|
|||
|
3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
|
|||
|
4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
|
|||
|
5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
|
|||
|
6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
|
|||
|
7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
|
|||
|
8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
|
|||
|
9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
|
|||
|
10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
|
|||
|
2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
|
|||
|
quarterback.
|
|||
|
3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
|
|||
|
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
|
|||
|
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
|
|||
|
sleep with it, too.
|
|||
|
6. A beer helps with the housework.
|
|||
|
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
|
|||
|
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
|
|||
|
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
|
|||
|
10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
|
|||
|
2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
|
|||
|
3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
|
|||
|
4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
|
|||
|
5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
|
|||
|
6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
|
|||
|
7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
|
|||
|
8. A beer doesn't snore.
|
|||
|
9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
|
|||
|
10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
|
|||
|
aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
|
|||
|
2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
|
|||
|
3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
|
|||
|
4. Beer tastes good.
|
|||
|
5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
|
|||
|
Hits" as much as you do.
|
|||
|
6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
|
|||
|
7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
|
|||
|
8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
|
|||
|
9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
|
|||
|
cents less expensive.
|
|||
|
10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
|
|||
|
like grass.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
|
|||
|
2. Beer stains wash out.
|
|||
|
3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
|
|||
|
4. Beer never makes you wait.
|
|||
|
5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
|
|||
|
6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
|
|||
|
7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
|
|||
|
8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
|
|||
|
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
|
|||
|
10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
|
|||
|
2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
|
|||
|
3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
|
|||
|
4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
|
|||
|
5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
|
|||
|
6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
|
|||
|
7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
|
|||
|
8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
|
|||
|
9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
|
|||
|
10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
|
|||
|
11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
|
|||
|
12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
|
|||
|
13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
|
|||
|
14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
|
|||
|
15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
|
|||
|
1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
|
|||
|
2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
|
|||
|
3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
|
|||
|
4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
|
|||
|
5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
|
|||
|
6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
|
|||
|
7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
|
|||
|
8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
|
|||
|
9. A beer won't steal the covers.
|
|||
|
10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
|
|||
|
11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
|
|||
|
12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
|
|||
|
13. A beer tastes good.
|
|||
|
14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
|
|||
|
15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
|
|||
|
16. You don't have to let a beer win.
|
|||
|
17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
|
|||
|
18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
|
|||
|
19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
|
|||
|
20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
|
|||
|
2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
|
|||
|
3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
|
|||
|
4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
|
|||
|
5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
|
|||
|
"just for the articles".
|
|||
|
6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
|
|||
|
7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the "powder room" with everyone
|
|||
|
else's beer.
|
|||
|
8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
|
|||
|
make you ill.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
All of these are just wildly presumptive and sexist.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
|
|||
|
more than a year.
|
|||
|
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
|
|||
|
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
|
|||
|
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
|
|||
|
downed his drink and left disgustedly.
|
|||
|
A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
|
|||
|
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
|
|||
|
this part of town?"
|
|||
|
"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
|
|||
|
Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
|
|||
|
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
|
|||
|
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
|
|||
|
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
|
|||
|
bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
|
|||
|
'round here would know?"
|
|||
|
"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
|
|||
|
"Seven!?"
|
|||
|
"Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
|
|||
|
George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
It's funny when you make rape jokes about men! Not. Gross.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A bad little girl in Madrid,
|
|||
|
A most reprehensible kid,
|
|||
|
Told her Tante Louise
|
|||
|
That her cunt smelled like cheese,
|
|||
|
And the worst of it was that it did!
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Considered moving this to limerick, but leaning on the side of cut.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
|
|||
|
I am not I, I'm a tree."
|
|||
|
But another, more sane,
|
|||
|
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
|
|||
|
And covered his pants leg with pee.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This one is a more personal cut, but making fun of mental illness ain't exactly kosher.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
|
|||
|
purgatory for the purse.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
More casual sexism, why not?
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
|
|||
|
one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
|
|||
|
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
|
|||
|
thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
|
|||
|
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
|
|||
|
abnormalities."
|
|||
|
"Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
|
|||
|
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
|
|||
|
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
|
|||
|
cancer."
|
|||
|
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
|
|||
|
having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
|
|||
|
now?"
|
|||
|
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Ew. No.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
|
|||
|
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
|
|||
|
and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
|
|||
|
a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
|
|||
|
minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
|
|||
|
masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
|
|||
|
"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Gross. No.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
|
|||
|
fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
|
|||
|
the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
|
|||
|
The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
|
|||
|
to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
|
|||
|
himself in an accentuated manner.
|
|||
|
"Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
|
|||
|
Catholic!"
|
|||
|
"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
|
|||
|
"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
We can leave this one at home. Typos for one, but also just... where is joak.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A habit depraved and unsavory
|
|||
|
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
|
|||
|
Midst screeches and howls
|
|||
|
He deflowered young owls
|
|||
|
Which he kept in an underground aviary
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A habit obscene and bizarre,
|
|||
|
Has taken a-hold of papa.
|
|||
|
He brings home young camels
|
|||
|
And other odd mammals,
|
|||
|
And gives them a go at mama.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A habit obscene and unsavory,
|
|||
|
Holds a CS professor in slavery.
|
|||
|
With maniacal howls,
|
|||
|
He deflowers young owls,
|
|||
|
That he keeps in an underground aviary.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A hacker who screwed a mag tape
|
|||
|
Was caught and convicted of rape.
|
|||
|
To jail he did go,
|
|||
|
From which, to his woe
|
|||
|
He couldn't get out with ESC.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
|
|||
|
Made love to the drive of his disk.
|
|||
|
The thing circumcised him,
|
|||
|
Which rather surprised him.
|
|||
|
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
This whole set of four can just... fuck off.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
|
|||
|
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
|
|||
|
-- Adolf Hitler
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
If you need to ask, go away and think about your life. I know a broken clock can be right.
|
|||
|
This ain't it, chief.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
|
|||
|
she flies; fly from her, she follows.
|
|||
|
-- Chamfort
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
|
|||
|
It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
|
|||
|
-- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
|
|||
|
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
|
|||
|
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
|
|||
|
-- Stendhal
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
|
|||
|
-- Herodotus
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
|
|||
|
pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
|
|||
|
woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
|
|||
|
love, without virtue, without sex.
|
|||
|
-- Balzac
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
|
|||
|
-- Pancho Villa
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
|||
|
-- Gloria Steinem
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
|||
|
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
|
|||
|
%
|
|||
|
A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
|
|||
|
as he can.
|
|||
|
-- Moms Mabley
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
The answer to sexism isn't more sexism, let's cut these.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
|
|||
|
```
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
Does the sexism ever stop? (no)
|
|||
|
|
|||
|
****
|
|||
|
|