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@ -721,7 +721,7 @@ This one actually got a chuckle. Updated for 2023.
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**Changed to**:
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```
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The United States Army:
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248 years of proud service,
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249 years of proud service,
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unhampered by progress.
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```
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@ -2807,3 +2807,696 @@ Does the sexism ever stop? (no)
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****
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```
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A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
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hard it was to get any sleep.
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"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
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drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
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"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
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"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
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```
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Kidnapping is a new one!
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****
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```
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A genius is a queer who can whistle while he works.
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-- Bobby Knight
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```
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And now we're onto to the combined homophobia and sexism double-bingo.
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****
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```
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A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
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they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
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however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
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what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
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scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
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Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
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would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
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"First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
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must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
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```
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Do we really need to explain this one?
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****
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```
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A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
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```
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```
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A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
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```
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These would get you called up to HR, so they're going.
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****
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```
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A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
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the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
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told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
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home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
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of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
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soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
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the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
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Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
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thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
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but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
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Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
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Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
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worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
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"Saunders, help me please!"
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"But what is it, Madame?"
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"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
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"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
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```
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The issues here are... *numerous*.
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****
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```
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A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
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the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska. He drove for three days
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and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
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line. He halted his car and walked up to the border guard. "Hi, there! How
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do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
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The guard looked him up and down and grinned. "Waal," he answered,
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there are three things you gotta do to get in. First, drink down a quart of
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110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'. Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
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third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
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"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan. "Where can I get a quart of
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this here corn liquor?"
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"Got one right here," replied the guard.
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The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
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"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
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"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
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a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
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The Texan lurched merrily off. About an hour later he returned
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with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody. He was
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smiling happily. "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
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want killed?"
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```
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Why oh why is there so much bestiality in these?
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Don't answer that.
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****
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```
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A lisping fag fell off a pleasure yacht and began to scream. "Help! Help, I
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can't thwim!" One of the other passengers heard the caterwauling and leaned
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over the rail, remarking, "Really, there's no need to scream. Just reach out
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and grab that buoy near you." To which the floundering sodomite answered,
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"Buoy! Oh, thith ith no time for thekth, you degenerate... I'm dwowning!"
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```
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No.
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****
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```
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A little bit of rape is good for a man's soul.
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-- Norman Mailer
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```
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Also no.
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****
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```
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A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
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-- Carrie Snow
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```
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Will people ever learn that sexism is still sexism?
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****
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```
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A man always needs to remember one thing about
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a beautiful woman. Somewhere, somebody's tired of her.
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```
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Ugh, the answer is no, apparently.
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****
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```
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A man is as old as the woman he feels.
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-- Groucho Marx
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```
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Groucho my man, why you gotta be like this?
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****
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```
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A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke. The man sitting
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next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
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Polish."
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He then calls out, "Ivan! Come over here and bring your brother."
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Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
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"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
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with you." Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
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the joke.
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"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
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"Nah," says the man.
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"Oh, no? And why not? I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
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man, opening and closing his fist. "Are you scared?"
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"No," replies the man. "I just don't feel like having to explain it
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five times."
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```
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And back to racism.
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****
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```
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A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
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sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
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car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
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"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
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"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
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"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
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So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
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I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
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"Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
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"Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
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"Do it again."
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It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
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Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
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"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
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time."
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The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
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twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
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"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
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"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
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I want you to drive her into Salerno."
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```
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Gross, on several levels, including the old all men are rapists chestnut.
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****
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```
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A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
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for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
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until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
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which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
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a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
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takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
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"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
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anything to show my gratitude."
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"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
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that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
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and take that damn dog for a walk!"
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```
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What is it with fortunes and sheep-fucking?
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****
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```
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A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
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from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
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around his bed.
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"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
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"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
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and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
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performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
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has been crafted into place."
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"WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
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tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
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another erection!"
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"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
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course, have to be someone else's."
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```
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Homophobic, and borders on transphobic. Could probably be reworked.
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Something something phalloplasty something?
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****
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```
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A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the
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longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse,
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followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred
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other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity
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no longer, and walks up to one of the mourners.
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"Excuse me, sir, I don't mean to bother you in your moment of grief,
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but this is the strangest procession I've ever seen. What happened, who is
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the funeral for?"
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"Well, it's nothing special, really, the funeral is for the mother-
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in-law of the man at the front of the procession. You see, his Doberman
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attacked and killed her."
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"That's awful!", replies the onlooker. "But... um... tell me, you
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don't think he'd let me borrow that dog, do you?"
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"Get in line, buddy," replies the mourner, "get in line."
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```
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Haha wife bad, mother-in-law bad.
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****
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```
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A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
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antennae coming out of his head. He goes up to him and says, "You're not
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from around here, are you?"
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"No," replies the man with the antennae.
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"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
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either. In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
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"Right again," says the man with four arms. "I'm from Mars."
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"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
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there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
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"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
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"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
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big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
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Martians have that?"
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"Well, no," says the Martian. "Not the *goyim*."
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```
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More antisemitism!
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****
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```
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A man never minds being in the doghouse
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as long as he can get his tail outside.
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```
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More sexism!
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****
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```
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A man rushed into a bar and breathlessly asked the bartender to pour him
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three straight scotches. The bartender complied, and watched as he downed
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them one after another.
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"Why three scotches?" the bartender asked as he paused for breath.
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"Well, to be honest, I'm celebrating my first blow-job."
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"Hell, congratulations, the next one's on me."
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"No, thanks," the young man replied, "if the first three didn't get
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the taste out of my mouth, I don't think another one will."
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```
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Haha gay sex is gross, off it goes.
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****
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```
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A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
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help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
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the train platform.
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|
|
"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
|
|
|
|
|
"Glad to do it," said the other man.
|
|
|
|
|
"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
|
|
|
|
|
"It was a pleasure," said the man.
|
|
|
|
|
"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
|
|
|
|
|
"she was a truly great lay."
|
|
|
|
|
The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
|
|
|
|
|
to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
|
|
|
|
|
to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
|
|
|
|
|
"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
|
|
|
|
|
Sam is a helluva nice guy."
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Just weirdly uncomfortable with this one, but can't quite pin down why.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A man was talking to his best friend about his married life. "You know," he
|
|
|
|
|
says, "I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to
|
|
|
|
|
me, but there's *always* that doubt. There's *always* that little doubt."
|
|
|
|
|
"Yeah, I know what you mean," his friend replies.
|
|
|
|
|
"Well, buddy, I've got to leave on a business trip this weekend,
|
|
|
|
|
and I wonder... well... would you watch my house while I'm gone? I trust
|
|
|
|
|
her, it's just that there's *always* that doubt."
|
|
|
|
|
The friend agreed to help out and two weeks later gave his report.
|
|
|
|
|
"I've got some bad news for you," says the friend. "The evening
|
|
|
|
|
after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. A man
|
|
|
|
|
got out of the car and went in the house and had dinner with your wife.
|
|
|
|
|
After dinner they went upstairs and I saw your wife kissing him. Then, he
|
|
|
|
|
took off his shirt and she took off her blouse. And then the light went
|
|
|
|
|
out."
|
|
|
|
|
"*Then* what happened?" said the husband, his eyes opening wide.
|
|
|
|
|
"Well, I don't know," replied the friend, "it was too dark to see."
|
|
|
|
|
"Damn!" roared the husband. "You see what I mean? There's *always*
|
|
|
|
|
that doubt!"
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Haha cheating funny.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
|
|
|
|
|
shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
|
|
|
|
|
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
|
|
|
|
|
the glass for me?
|
|
|
|
|
"Sure," said the bartender.
|
|
|
|
|
"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
|
|
|
|
|
you'll find the money for the beer."
|
|
|
|
|
The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
|
|
|
|
|
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
|
|
|
|
|
Where is the men's room?"
|
|
|
|
|
"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
|
|
|
|
|
two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Haha homophobia funny.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A man without a God is like a fish without a bicycle.
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A man without a woman is like a statue without pigeons.
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
More of these, fun.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
|
|
|
|
|
swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
|
|
|
|
|
his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
|
|
|
|
|
"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
|
|
|
|
|
"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
|
|
|
|
|
The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Dad level pun, but also this'd get you written up.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Yet more slurs!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
|
|
|
|
|
Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
|
|
|
|
|
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
|
|
|
|
|
the pressure.
|
|
|
|
|
"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
|
|
|
|
|
foreman. "The other men swear by it."
|
|
|
|
|
The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
|
|
|
|
|
his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
|
|
|
|
|
every day!"
|
|
|
|
|
"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
|
|
|
|
|
other men replied.
|
|
|
|
|
"Why not then?"
|
|
|
|
|
"That's your day in the barrel."
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Rape is funny, haha.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes. So intent is he
|
|
|
|
|
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
|
|
|
|
|
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
|
|
|
|
|
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
|
|
|
|
|
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
|
|
|
|
|
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
|
|
|
|
|
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
|
|
|
|
|
Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
|
|
|
|
|
"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
|
|
|
|
|
"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
|
|
|
|
|
"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
|
|
|
|
|
"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU. LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
|
|
|
|
|
Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I... here I go!" And he falls
|
|
|
|
|
to his death.
|
|
|
|
|
"DUMB YANKEE."
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Haha Americans dumb, haha.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
|
|
|
|
|
by the side of the street. Curiosity got the better of him and he leaned
|
|
|
|
|
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on. The fellow explained
|
|
|
|
|
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
|
|
|
|
|
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire. "That's terrible," gasped
|
|
|
|
|
the man. "But why is everyone still standing around?"
|
|
|
|
|
"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
|
|
|
|
|
onlooker explained. "Would you be willing to help?"
|
|
|
|
|
"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker. "I suppose I could spare a
|
|
|
|
|
gallon or two."
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Classic misread of the prompt, but also in terrible taste.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
|
|
|
|
|
sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
|
|
|
|
|
married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
|
|
|
|
|
to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
|
|
|
|
|
risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
|
|
|
|
|
to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
|
|
|
|
|
thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
|
|
|
|
|
that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
|
|
|
|
|
children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
|
|
|
|
|
by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
|
|
|
|
|
attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
|
|
|
|
|
pornography.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
lol. lmao, in fact.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is
|
|
|
|
|
true to the very end of the end of a friend.
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
I got nothing. Why.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A perfectly honest woman, a woman who never flatters, who never manages,
|
|
|
|
|
who never cajoles, who never conceals, who never uses her eyes, who never
|
|
|
|
|
speculates on the effect which she produces, who never is conscious of
|
|
|
|
|
unspoken admiration, what a monster, I say, would such a female be!
|
|
|
|
|
-- Thackeray
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
More sexism!
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
|
|
|
|
|
against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
|
|
|
|
|
hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
|
|
|
|
|
the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
|
|
|
|
|
of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
|
|
|
|
|
"What happened to your car?"
|
|
|
|
|
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
|
|
|
|
|
stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
|
|
|
|
|
the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
|
|
|
|
|
right on my key!"
|
|
|
|
|
"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
|
|
|
|
|
down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
|
|
|
|
|
yourself!"
|
|
|
|
|
"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
You ever get so drunk you forget what object permanence is?
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
But no, this'd get you written up, so it goes.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A pretty woman can do anything; an ugly woman must do everything.
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
More sexism.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A retired schoolteacher finally decided that she was tired of living alone
|
|
|
|
|
and wanted some companionship, so after a good deal of thought she decided
|
|
|
|
|
to visit the local pet shop. The owner suggested a parrot, with which she
|
|
|
|
|
could conduct a civilized conversation. This seemed to be an excellent
|
|
|
|
|
idea, so she bought a handsome parrot, sat him on a perch in her living room,
|
|
|
|
|
and said, "Say `Pretty boy'." Silence from the bird. "Come on now, say
|
|
|
|
|
`Pretty boy ... pretty boy.'"
|
|
|
|
|
At long last, disgustedly, the bird said, "Oh, shit."
|
|
|
|
|
Shocked, the schoolteacher said, "Just for that, you get five minutes
|
|
|
|
|
in the refrigerator." Five minutes later she put the shivering bird back on
|
|
|
|
|
its perch and said, "Now let's hear it: `Pretty boy ... pretty boy'."
|
|
|
|
|
"Damn it, wouldja lay off, lady?" said the parrot.
|
|
|
|
|
Outraged, the woman grabbed the bird, said, "That's it! Ten minutes
|
|
|
|
|
in the freezer," and slammed the door on him.
|
|
|
|
|
Hopping about to keep warm, what does the parrot come across but a
|
|
|
|
|
big frozen turkey waiting for Thanksgiving. Startled, he squawks, "My God,
|
|
|
|
|
you must have told the bitch to go fuck herself!"
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Let's nix the animal cruelty.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A Scotsman clad in kilts left a bar one evening fair.
|
|
|
|
|
One could tell by how he walked, he'd drunk more than his share.
|
|
|
|
|
He staggered on until he could no longer keep his feet.
|
|
|
|
|
So he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Later on two young and lovely girls just happened by.
|
|
|
|
|
One says to the other, with a twinkle in her eye.
|
|
|
|
|
"See yon sleeping Scotsman so young and handsome built?"
|
|
|
|
|
"I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath their kilts?"
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
They stepped up to the Scotsman, so young and fancy free.
|
|
|
|
|
They lifted up his kilt above the waist so they could see.
|
|
|
|
|
And there behold for them the view beneath his Scottish skirt,
|
|
|
|
|
Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
They marveled for a moment, then one said, "Best be gone."
|
|
|
|
|
"Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along."
|
|
|
|
|
As a gift they left a blue ribbon tied into a bow,
|
|
|
|
|
Around the bonny star of the Scot's kilt lifting show.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
The Scot awoke to nature's call and stumbled to the trees.
|
|
|
|
|
Behind a bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he see's.
|
|
|
|
|
Then in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes,
|
|
|
|
|
"Och, lad I dinna know whar' ya been, but I see ya won first prize."
|
|
|
|
|
-- Mike Cross, "The Scotsman"
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Let's nix the sexual assault too.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
|
|
|
|
|
all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. "Say,
|
|
|
|
|
Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
|
|
|
|
|
"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
|
|
|
|
|
cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
|
|
|
|
|
"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff. "Pretty gory work -- were
|
|
|
|
|
all of 'em dead?"
|
|
|
|
|
Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
|
|
|
|
|
you know how them Mex'cans lie."
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
More racism, joy.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary. From
|
|
|
|
|
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
|
|
|
|
|
sewn, and is currently split down one side. He asks the proprietor, "How much
|
|
|
|
|
to replace this, Ian?" The proprietor says, "Why, Angus, that'll be four
|
|
|
|
|
pence." Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?" The prop. looks the
|
|
|
|
|
condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair." The Scotsman ponders
|
|
|
|
|
for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
|
|
|
|
|
Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
|
|
|
|
|
says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
This is implying something very odd about Scots. Let's not, just to be safe.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
****
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
```
|
|
|
|
|
A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
|
|
|
|
|
act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
|
|
|
|
|
styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
|
|
|
|
|
for fun at the lad's expense.
|
|
|
|
|
"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
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The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
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her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
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a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
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tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
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give him the proper size.
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"I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
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half interest in the store."
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```
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This'd get you written up.
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****
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```
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A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
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the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
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hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
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The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!"
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"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
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"Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the
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answer, right there."
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Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
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drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
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wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
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to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
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game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
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a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
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quiet. In the embarrassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
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"What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
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"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
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```
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Bestiality and racism all in one!
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****
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```
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A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
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greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
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Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
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"Yes, Tony?"
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"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
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"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
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but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
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From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
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"Yes, Bernie?"
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"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
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"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher. "And here is
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your apple."
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When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
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the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
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that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
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"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
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but business is business."
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```
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Antisemitism? Antisemitism.
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****
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