From 4dad03e3c96ef6b9c8213e57757b9d30f7cd2cd5 Mon Sep 17 00:00:00 2001 From: Rin Date: Wed, 7 Jun 2023 10:22:55 +1000 Subject: [PATCH] wip: fortune --- content/lists/fortunes-cleanup.md | 2809 +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ content/posts/fortune-cleanup.md | 74 + 2 files changed, 2883 insertions(+) create mode 100644 content/lists/fortunes-cleanup.md create mode 100644 content/posts/fortune-cleanup.md diff --git a/content/lists/fortunes-cleanup.md b/content/lists/fortunes-cleanup.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..4a89257 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/lists/fortunes-cleanup.md @@ -0,0 +1,2809 @@ +--- +title: "List of Fortunes Removed from fortune (BSD)" +date: 2022-11-20T02:06:44+11:00 +draft: true +--- + +# Overview + +Below are listed every moved, altered, and removed fortune. + +Bonus fun game: See if you can see where we start losing our minds. + +# Content Notice + +The following list contains (but is not limited to): + +- Rape Jokes +- Holocaust Jokes +- Literal, Actual Hitler Quotes +- Cannibalism +- Necrophilia +- Homophobia +- Transphobia +- Pedophilia + +Content Notices will not be marked per-fortune[^1]. If you choose to continue reading, please do +so knowing that there *will* be unmarked content of various levels of repungence. + +[^1]: **(Selene)** I wish I could, but there's multiple thousand fortunes in here. I have my work cut out for me as it is. + +> **(Octavia) whistles** Daaaaamn. There's a lot of limericks in here already. 5000 lines? That's just shy of 1,000. +> +> **(Selene) sighs** Yes, indeed. This will take us a while. And won't be pleasant. I'm not the type +> to enjoy these types of jokes. +> +> **(Ashe)**: Let's see if our intrepid readers can detect the exact moment Selene gives up and I take over. + +# fortunes-o + +## Notes + +Fortunes-o will be retained as an "NSFW" list, and will be trimmed of anything repungent or outdated. + +## List of Fortunes and Decisions + +### Limericks + +**Decision**: All moved to `limerick`. + +> **(Ashe)**: I have half a mind to say the entirety of limerick should be cut. Only the very first one +> here is even remotely amusing, and a lot of the rest hit content warnings. +> **Several 10s of hours later** +> Yeah no, we'll be omitting all of `limerick` in the final commit. +> Distros are welcome to cherry-pick it back in, but we'll be pushing for removal in Alpine. + +``` +A bather whose clothing was strewed +By breezes that left her quite nude, + Saw a man come along + And, unless I'm quite wrong, +You expected this line to be lewd. +``` + +``` +A remarkable race are the Persians; +They have such peculiar diversions. + They make love the whole day + In the usual way +And save up the nights for perversions. +``` + +``` +A team playing baseball in Dallas +Called the umpire blind out of malice. + While this worthy had fits + The team made eight hits +And a girl in the bleachers named Alice. +``` + +``` +A wanton young lady from Wimley +Reproached for not acting quite primly + Said, "Heavens above! + I know sex isn't love, +But it's such an entrancing facsimile." +``` + +``` +A widow who fancied a man some +Was diddled three times in a hansome. +When she clamored for more +Her young man became sore +And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson." +``` + +``` +A worried young man from Stamboul +Founds lots of red spots on his tool. + Said the doctor, a cynic, + "Get out of my clinic; +Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!" +``` + +``` +An architect fellow named Yoric +Could, when feeling euphoric, + Display for selection + Three kinds of erection -- +Corinthian, ionic, and doric. +``` + +``` +He hated to mend, so young Ned +Called in a cute neighbor instead. + Her husband said, "Vi, + When you stitched up his torn fly, +Did you have to bite off the thread?" +``` + +``` +I once met a lassie named Ruth +In a long distance telephone booth. + Now I know the perfection + Of an ideal connection +Even if somewhat uncouth. +``` +``` +In the Garden of Eden sat Adam, +Massaging the bust of his madam, + He chuckled with mirth, + For he knew that on earth, +There were only two boobs and he had 'em. +``` +``` +Said a horny young girl from Milpitas, +"My favorite sport is coitus." + But a fullback from State + Made her period late, +And now she has athlete's fetus. +``` + +``` +Said a swinging young chick named Lyth +Whose virtue was largely a myth, + "Try as hard as I can, + I can't find a man +That it's fun to be virtuous with." +``` + +``` +There once was a couple named Kelley, +Who lived their life belly to belly. + Because in their haste + They used Library Paste, +Instead of Petroleum Jelly. +``` + +``` +There once was a feisty young terrier +Who liked to bite girls on the derriere. + He'd yip and he'd yap, + Then leap up and snap; +And the fairer the derriere the merrier. +``` + +``` +There once was a freshman named Lin, +Whose tool was as thin as a pin, + A virgin named Joan + From a bible belt home, +Said, "This won't be much of a sin." +``` + +``` +There once was a hacker named Ken +Who inherited truckloads of Yen + So he built him some chicks + Of silicon chips +And hasn't been heard from since then. +``` + +``` +There once was a lady from Exeter, +So pretty that men craned their necks at her. + One was even so brave + As to take out and wave +The distinguishing mark of his sex at her. +``` + +``` +There once was a man named Eugene +Who invented a screwing machine + Concave and convex + It served either sex +And it played with itself in between. +``` + +``` +There once was a plumber from Leigh, +Who was plumbing his maid by the sea, + Said she, "Please stop plumbing, + I think someone's coming!" +Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me." +``` + +``` +There once was a queen of Bulgaria +Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier, + Till a prince from Peru + Who came up for a screw +Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier. +``` + +``` +There once was a Scot named McAmeter +With a tool of prodigious diameter. + It was not the size + That cause such surprise; +'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter. +``` + +``` +There was a bluestocking in Florence +Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents, + Till a Spanish grandee, + Got her off with his knee, +And she burned all her works with abhorrence. +``` + +``` +There was a gay countess of Bray, +And you may think it odd when I say, + That in spite of high station, + Rank and education, +She always spelled cunt with a "k". +``` + +``` +There was a young fellow named Bliss +Whose sex life was strangely amiss, + For even with Venus + His recalcitrant penis +Would never do better than t + h + i + s + . +``` + +``` +There was a young girl from Hong Kong +Whose cervical cap was a gong. + She said with a yell, + As a shot rang her bell, +"I'll give you a ding for a dong!" +``` + +``` +There was a young girl named Sapphire +Who succumbed to her lover's desire. + She said, "It's a sin, + But now that it's in, +Could you shove it a few inches higher?" +``` + +``` +There was a young girl of Angina +Who stretched catgut across her vagina. + From the love-making frock + (With the proper sized cock) +Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor. +``` + +``` +There was a young girl of Darjeeling +Who could dance with such exquisite feeling + There was never a sound + For miles around +Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling. +``` + +``` +There was a young lad name of Durcan +Who was always jerkin' his gherkin. + His father said, "Durcan! + Stop jerkin' your gherkin! +Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'." +``` + +``` +There was a young lady from Maine +Who claimed she had men on her brain. + But you knew from the view, + As her abdomen grew, +It was not on her brain that he'd lain. +``` + +``` +There was a young lady named Clair +Who possessed a magnificent pair; + At least so I thought + Till I saw one get caught +On a thorn, and begin losing air. +``` + +``` +There was a young lady named Hall, +Wore a newspaper dress to a ball. + The dress caught on fire + And burned her entire +Front page, sporting section, and all. +``` + +``` +There was a young lady named Twiss +Who said she thought fucking a bliss, + For it tickled her bum + And caused her to come +.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW +``` + +``` +There was a young lady of Norway +Who hung by her toes in a doorway. + She said to her beau + "Just look at me, Joe; +I think I've discovered one more way." +``` + +``` +There was a young man from Bel-Aire +Who was screwing his girl on the stair, + But the banister broke + So he doubled his stroke +And finished her off in mid-air. +``` + +``` +There was a young man named Crockett +Whose balls got caught in a socket. + His wife was a bitch, + And she threw the switch, +As Crockett went off like a rocket. +``` + +``` +There was a young man of Cape Horn +Who wished he had never been born, + And he wouldn't have been + If his father had seen +That the end of the rubber was torn. +``` + +``` +There was a young man of St. John's +Who wanted to bugger the swans. + But the loyal hall porter + Said, "Pray take my daughter! +Those birds are reserved for the dons." +``` + +``` +There was a young whore from Kaloo +Who filled her vagina with glue. + She said with a grin, + "If they pay to get in, +They can pay to get out again too!" +``` + +``` +There was an old man of the port +Whose prick was remarkably short. + When he got into bed, + The old woman said, +"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!" +``` + +``` +There was an old pirate named Bates +Who was learning to rhumba on skates. + He fell on his cutlass, + Which rendered him nutless +And practically useless on dates. +``` + +``` +While I, with my usual enthusiasm, +Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm, + She explained, "They are flat, + But think nothing of that -- +You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm." +``` + +``` +A busy young lady named Gloria +Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier + And then by six men, + Sir Gerald again, +And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria. +``` + +``` +A cabin boy on an old clipper +Grew steadily flipper and flipper. + He plugged up his ass + With fragments of glass +And thus circumcised his old skipper. +``` + +``` +A cautious young fellow named Lodge, +Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge. + With his date all strapped in + He committed a sin +Without even leaving the garage. + -- "A Boy and His Dog" +``` + +``` +A cautious young fellow named Tunney +Had a whang that was worth any money. + When eased in half-way, + The girl's sigh made him say, +"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey." +``` + +``` +A clergical student named Simms +Hums liturgical tunes while he rims: + A nice piece of ass + Gets the B-Minor Mass ... +All the others get Anglican hymns. +``` + +``` +A clerical student named Pryne +Through pain sought to reach the divine: + He wore a hair shirt, + Quite often ate dirt, +And bathed every Friday in brine. + -- Edward Gorey +``` + +``` +A clever young man named Eugene +Invented a jack-off machine. + On the twenty-third stroke + The fuckin' thing broke +And beat both his balls to a cream. +``` + +``` +A cocksucking steno named Beeman +Remarked as she swallowed my semen : + "On my minuscule salary + I must watch every calorie, +So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!" +``` + +``` +A computer called Illiac4 +Had a rather tough bug in its core. + It chewed up its cards + And spewed yards and yards +Of illegible tape on the floor. +``` + +``` +A computer, to print out a fact, +Will divide, multiply, and subtract. + But this output can be + No more than debris, +If the input was short of exact. + -- Gigo +``` + +``` +A contortionist hailing from Lynch +Used to rent out his tool by the inch. + A foot cost a quid -- + He could and he did +Stretch it to three in a pinch. +``` + +``` +A corpulent maiden named Kroll +Had a notion exceedingly droll: + At a masquerade ball, + Dressed in nothing at all, +She backed in as a Parker House roll. +``` + +``` +A couple was fishing near Clombe +When the maid began looking quite glum, + And said, "Bother the fish! + I'd rather coish!" +Which they did -- which was why they had come. +``` + +``` +A cowhand way out in Seattle +Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle. + He said, "No, I can't fuck + A lamb or a duck, +But golly! it just fits the cattle." +``` + +``` +A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison +And had an affair with a Saracen. + She was not oversexed, + Or jealous or vexed, +She just wanted to make a comparison. +``` + +``` +A CS student named Lin +Had a prick the size of a pin + It was no good for girls + But just great for squirrels +Who squealed with delight with it in. +``` + +``` +A cute little twerp from Samoa +Had a cock of one inch and no moa. + It was good for keyholes + And debutantes' peeholes +But not worth a damn on a whoa. +``` + +``` +A daredevil skater named Lowe, +Leaps barrels arranged in the snow, + But is proudest of doing, + Some incredible screwing, +Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row! +``` + +``` +A deep-throated virgin named Netty +Was sucking a cock on the jetty. + She said, "It tastes nice, + Much better than rice, +Though not quite as good as spaghetti." +``` + +``` +A delighted, incredulous bride +Remarked to her groom at her side : + "I never could quite + Believe till tonight +Our anatomies would coincide." +``` + +``` +A dentist, young doctor Malone, +Got a charming girl patient alone, + And, in his depravity, + Filled the wrong cavity. +God, how his practice has grown. +``` + +``` +A despairing old landlord named Fyfe, +With a frigid and quarrelsome wife, + Let his third-story front, + To a willing young cunt, +Who supplied him a new lease on life! +``` + +``` +A desperate spinster from Clare +Once knelt in the moonlight all bare, + And prayed to her God + For a romp on the sod-- +'Twas a passerby answered her prayer. +``` + +``` +A distinguished professor from Swarthmore +Got along with a sexy young sophomore. + As quick as a glance + He stripped off his pants, +But he found that the sophomore'd got off more. +``` + +``` +A doctoral student from Buckingham +Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em. + But a dropout from paree + Taught him Gamahuchee +So he added a footnote on sucking 'em. +``` + +``` +A do-it-yourselfer named Alice, +Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. + She blew her vagina + To South Carolina, +And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas. + +A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill, +Used two dynamite sticks for a dil. + They found her vagina, + In South Carolina, +And part of her ass in Brazil. +``` + +``` +A dolly in Dallas named Alice, +Whose overworked sex is all callous, + Wore the foreskin away + On uncircumcised Ray, +Through exuberance, tightness, and malice. +``` + +``` +A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis +Wished to foster an aura of menace. + To make people afraid + He wore gloves of grey suede +And white footgear intended for tennis. + -- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey" +``` + +``` +A guest in a household quite charmless +Was informed its eccentric was harmless: + "If you're caught unawares + At the head of the stairs, +Just remember, he's eyeless and armless." + -- Edward Gorey +``` + +``` +A progressive professor named Winners +Held classes each evening for sinners. + They were graded and spaced + So the vile and debased +Would not be held back by beginners. +``` + +### Moved + +``` +No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether +she will or will not be a mother. + -- Margaret H. Sanger +``` + +**Decision**: This... isn't offensive? Or NSFW? Moved to `fortunes`. + +**** + +``` + The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint + +My back aches, my pussy is sore; +I simply can't fuck any more; + I'm covered with sweat, + And you haven't come yet, +And my God, it's a quarter to four! +``` + +Ha ha old people can't come and men don't know how to fuck, such a side splitter. + +That said, it's the right kind of tasteless for a limerick. + +**Decision**: Moved to `limerick`. + +**** +``` +There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America +have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of +America, with all of the military strength of America, those +revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic +organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are +oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952] + -- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas +``` + +This is plain old true, and isn't phrased in any offensive way. Why is it here. + +**Decision**: Moved to `fortunes`. + +**** +``` + "I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into +the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information." + "Who was that?" his young wife asked. + "Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear." +``` + +This... isn't objectionable or NSFW? + +**Decision**: Moved to `fortunes2`. + +### Altered + +``` +God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends. +``` +Typo? Typo. + +**Changed to**: +``` +God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends. +``` + +**** + +``` +The United States Army: +194 years of proud service, +unhampered by progress. +``` +This one actually got a chuckle. Updated for 2023. + +**Changed to**: +``` +The United States Army: +248 years of proud service, +unhampered by progress. +``` + +**** + +``` + Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of +her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit +the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her +way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly +begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her +stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. + "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of +the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't +mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your +wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." + "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one +can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." + "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on +the dining room skylight." +``` + +Honestly, decent joke. Let's cut back on the objectification though. + +**Changed to**: + +``` + Joan spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. +She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that +no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall +tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was +lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. + "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of +the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't +mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your +wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." + "What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one +can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." + "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on +the dining room skylight." +``` + +**** + +``` + One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss +HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he +there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely +made his TOOTSIE ROLL. + He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT +which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she +squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3 +MUSKETEERS." + -- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem" +``` + +Typo. + +**From**: `"you're better then the 3 MUSKETEERS."` + +**To**: `"you're better than the 3 MUSKETEERS."` + +**** + +``` + Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde +stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If +this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she +doesn't deserve to have any." + + James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother") +failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to +remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a +major general." + + (German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed, +complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a +while and then added, "And he didn't understand me." + + Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly +pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening +sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing +more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand +on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning +out of the car. "Run for your life!" + + Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the +Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular +story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was +roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the +house." + "No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate +maybe, but not in the House." +``` + +These are five separate fortunes. + +**Decision**: Split into five. + +### Removed + +``` +"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons +released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and +enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources." + -- Ronald Reagan +``` + +**Decision**: Removed for being outright disinformation. + +**** + +``` +Behold the unborn fetus and + Weep salt tears crocodilian; +All life is sacred (save, of course, + An enemy civilian). +``` + +On one level, this is jaded as all hell, so it stays in the NSFW zone. On the other, combative in all +the wrong ways. + +**Decision**: Nixed. + +**** +``` +Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you +pillage!! +``` +\[sic\] + +This is... a bit too fucked up for a general fortunes program. + +**** + +``` +College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months +later you wish you'd never come. +``` + + Wildly misogynistic. + +**** + +``` +Did you hear about the new German microwave oven? + + ... Seats 500. +``` + This isn't funny. + +**** + +``` +Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man: + (1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to + sleep in the wet spot. + (2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find + themselves. + (3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is + married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves + your brother! + (4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is. + (5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are + wet. + (6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a + boy". + (7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count. + (8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun. + (9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the + pillow. + (10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do. + (11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you + left it. +``` + +So we follow misogyny with misandry. Sure. + + Misandric, and not funny. + +**** + +``` +Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25: + +Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you, + and you didn't scream? +A: No ma'am. +Q: Does that mean you consented? +A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious. +``` + + Seeing bad rape jokes when you log in is too fucked. Also not funny. + +**** + +``` +Hugh Hefner is a virgin. +``` + + Inaccurate, not funny, serves no purpose. He's also dead. + +**** + +``` +Kill a commie for Christ! +``` + +This'd get you a stern talking-to at most jobs. + + Not appropriate for baseline `fortunes`. Add it back in if you like shock humour. + +**** + +``` +Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus. +``` + +Stay classy, Unix. + + As above. + +**** + +``` +Once a young gay from Khartoum +Took a lesbian up to his room. + They argued all night + Over who had the right +To do what, and with which, and to whom. +``` + +Where is the joke? You promised there would be joak. + +**Decision**: Removed, but marginal. + +**** + +``` +Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah + be? +A: A fur coat. +``` + + As above. + +**** + +``` +Q: What's Jewish foreplay? +A: Two hours of begging. +``` + +**Decision**: Plain racism. No. + +**** + +``` +Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only +sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's +changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't +grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up +liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to +do with the other. + -- Jules Feiffer +``` + +So now we're both misogynistic and homophobic? No thanks. + +**** + +``` +Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!! +``` + +Back to racism, we see. + +**** + +``` +Support the right of unborn males to bear arms! + -- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly, + the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle + Association +``` + +**** + +``` +There's more than one way to skin a cat: + Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker. +``` + +What the FUCK. + +**Decision**: No. Removed. Another instance of just shock humour. + +**** + +``` +To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature. +``` + +**Decision**: Back to the misandry. Removed. + +**** + +``` +Virgin, n.: + An ugly third grader. +``` + +N-No? How about we don't. + +**** + +``` +You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think. + -- Frederick B. Artz +``` + +The pun is almost cute, but misogyny isn't. + +**** + +``` +You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to +get back inside. + -- Heathcote Williams +``` + +30 GOTO 10 + +**** + +``` +You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January +and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live +there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You: + +(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your + name. + +(b) Ask what position she played. + +(c) Ask if she is still working the streets. +``` +Nothing wrong with being a sex worker. + +**** + +``` + ... But among the children of the Great Society there were +those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, +and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ... + Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and +they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my +people go to the front of the bus." + But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all +deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove +yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like +unto a snowball in Hell." + -- "The Begatting of a President" +``` + +**Decision**: No. Just... no. Removed. + +**** + +``` +When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it. + -- Charles Merrill Smith +``` + +Sexism? It's definitely sexism of some sort. + +**** + +``` +When God created man, She was only testing. +``` + +Another one mocking an entire group. Let's not. + +**** + +``` +Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them +then she isn't good enough for you. +``` + +More sexism. As ever, stay classy. + +**** + + +``` +We have reason to believe that man first +walked upright to free his hands for masturbation. + -- Lily Tomlin +``` + +More sexism. This'd be fine if it didn't gender, but it's a quote. + +**** + +``` +War is menstruation envy. +``` + +Vaguely misandric. Also kinda ??? + +**** + +``` +Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of +women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their +handbags are full. + -- Earl Wilson +``` + +Vaguely sexist in both directions. + +**** + +``` +My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my +family, it seems, begins where yours left off. + -- Alexandre Dumas, pere +``` + +Brutal, but racist as all hell. + +**** + +``` +O'Riordan's Theorem: + Brains x Beauty = Constant. + +Purmal's Corollary: + As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity, +availability goes to zero. +``` + +Yet more sexism. + +# fortunes2-o + +## Notes + +As with the other `-o` file, this will be retained as an NSFW list, but will be stripped of anything outright repungent. + +`fortunes2-o` has also been scrubbed for any duplicates found (or removed from) in fortunes-o. + +## List of Fortunes and Decisions + +### Limericks + +As before, these have been moved to `limerick`. + +### Moved + +### Altered + +### Removed + +``` + MOUNTIES: +I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK, +I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works + all day. + +I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch, +I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory. +On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping, +And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea. + +I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps, +I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers. +I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing, +And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars. + +I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels, +Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra? +I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude... +Just like my dear Pappa. +``` + +We're torn. This is a classic bit, but it's not aged well. Cleese is also a transphobic chud. + +**Decision**: ... Removed. + +**** + +``` + The Snack +Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby. + +What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey. + +Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't + recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates + caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have + I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer? + +But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy. + And am I not the master of my own? + +Nothing to eat? + What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you + just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed + Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner. + +Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles. + -- L. L. Zeiger +``` + +This is less NSFW and more just awful. + +**** + +``` + PLAYGIRL, Inc. + Philadelphia, Pa. 19369 +Dear Sir: + Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to +inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On +a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women +ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the +age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing +long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman +ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate +in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call +us. + Sympathetically, + Amanda L. Smith + +p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you + wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot? +``` + +Demonic burn, but also quite mean-spirited. + +**** + +``` + A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians. +This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use +them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the +following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that +he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate +the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to +see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the +Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear. +At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later, +he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town. +Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy +his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is +brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends +down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it +right this time -- go into town and get the posse!" +``` + +Dated on several levels. + +**** + +``` + A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical +island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that +could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They +were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of +the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to +the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head +downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the +charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two +men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner. +Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with +blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could +only blurt out, "What happened?" + "I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the +ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I +grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left +hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of +the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down +to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?" +``` + +No. Keep this if you like this kinda humour but this is a bit too cooked for most +distributions in our opinion. + +**** + +``` + A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The +bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is. + "I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies. + About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and +6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?" + To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers +are lovers." + Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders +NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone +in your family like pussy?" + "Yeah. Me and my sister." +``` + +Plain and outright homophobia. + +**** + +``` + A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country +flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a +large button with the letters "NAA" on it. + "What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button. + "Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied. + After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my +asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed' +men?" + "Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better +hung than *anybody*." + "And is it true that the French are the best lovers?" + "No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last +all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?" + "Running Bear Sheldon." +``` + +Double racism! Fun! + +**** + +``` + A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA. +He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some +gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights +were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure +what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry, +"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was +a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his +ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?" + "These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my +clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!" + "Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just +hasn't been your day, has it?" +``` + +No. No justification needed. Just. No. + +**** + +``` + A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this +particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the +man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very +fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, +felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under +the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?" + Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as +quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said, +"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?" + With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd +like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!" +``` + +This is in bad taste, and shouldn't be in a general distro. + +**** + +``` + A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a +car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe +and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager. +Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off. + Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was +decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't +driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!" + "And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged +aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved +at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!" + "Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger +like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?" +``` + +Bestiality is not a good fit. + +**** + +``` + A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the +consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The +sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable +for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly +and lustful pursuits. + The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible, +if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being, +then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he +is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife. + The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary, +a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the +affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair +is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he +is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with +his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!" +``` + +Not horrendously inappropriate, but aged out. + +**** + +``` + A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking +for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his +qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the +white man and said: "You leave! No job!" + The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but +that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow +him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief. + "Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making +your dog, here, talk!" + "Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he +heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me +good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!" + "If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger, +"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!" + "Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he +heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to +the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty." + The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his +final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk. + "NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!" +``` + +Dated language, and racism. + +**** + +``` + A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom +asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!" + She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after +work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men +should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things." + So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in: +"You get laid today, Billy?" + "Yeah, Dad." + "How was it?" + "Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot." + "Good Boy!". + A month later: "You get laid today?" + "No, Dad." + "No? How come?" + "Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore." +``` + +If I have to tell you why this is too messy for default fortunes, have a solid think about your life. + +**** + +``` + An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a +man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names, please?" +said the soldier. + "My name is Mary," said the woman. + "And mine is Joseph," said the man. + "Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you +going?" + "To Bethlehem." + "Your reason for going there?" + "To pay our taxes to the government." + "Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?" + "Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto +Ricans?" +``` + +More casual racism! + +**** + +``` + An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the +remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, +"I have a dead pussy." + The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, +"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common." +``` + +Random misogyny, let's not. + +**** + +``` + Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how +Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only +an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack, +rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling +a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well, +all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just +15 minutes a day! + SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate +sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through +the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal +muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the +"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and, +of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or, +using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own! + SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely +immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely +textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and +limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries. +``` + +More misogyny. The ad copy format is amusing, but it doesn't save it. + +**** + +``` + Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that +his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young +executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight +loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two +pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he +was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that +"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he +finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had +lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that +was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same +regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running, +he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the +following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown +to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely +muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into +a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!" +``` + +And now we add rape jokes to the mix. + +**** + +``` + Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American +Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to +the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only +one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me +have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow +was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied, +"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws." + Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of +squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a +headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters. +Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?" +Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, + me fuck-em all." +Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!" +Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake." +Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!" +Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all." +Ms. W: "Oh, dear!" +Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run + too fast." +``` + +Yet more bestiality, and some casual racism! + +**** + +``` + But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose +skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted +calf they were sucking hind teat... + Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they +called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to +the front of the bus." + But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all +deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove +yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like +unto a snowball in Hell." + -- "The Begatting of a President" +``` + +No. + +**** + +``` + "Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with +your penis?" + "Uh, not right now." + "Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards." + -- Real Genius +``` + +Where is joke. You promised there would be joke. + +**Decision**: 404 funny not found. + +**** + +``` + Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule + + Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High + Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049 + Sept 28 Blind Academy + Sept 30 World War I Veterans + Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041 + Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders + Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir + Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic + Nov 9 Korean War Amputees + Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients +``` + +Umm, let's not. + +**** + +``` + "Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you. +We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?" + "But this is different," protested her husband. + "Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden. +Now tell me what our problem is." + "Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a +bastard child." +``` + +**Decision**: 404 humour not found. + +**** + +``` + During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were +blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face +country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost +hit my wife." + "Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot +at mine, over there." +``` + +Haha unhappy marriage ha. + +**** + +``` + During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her +husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor, +she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!" +``` + +Wife bad, please laugh. + +> **(Selene)** To be clear, she's being sarcastic. + +**** + +``` + Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a +blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that, +while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved +to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a +pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father." + He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh, +stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father." + But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no +protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she +tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked. + Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the +tug at his sleeve. "Again?" + And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted +by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her +and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father." +``` + +Brick joke, but a very dodgy one. + +**** + +``` + Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller +and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better +than fried chicken, is it?" + Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said: + "I got to be dead honest, Roy." + And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him. + Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she +ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who +can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the +finest I've ever had." + -- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough" +``` + +What. + +**** + +``` + "First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight," +said the guy aggressively. + "Oh, no, you're not," said the girl. + "Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in +town." + "Oh, no, you won't." + "Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris." + "Oh, no, you won't." + "Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you." + "Oh, no, you're not." + "And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy. + "Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl. +``` + +Where is joak. + +**Decision**: 404 funny not found. + +**** + +``` + Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their +engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who +was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy +and sarcastic?" + "Of course not," said a sympathetic friend. + "Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer." +``` + +Haha man bad. + +**** + +``` + "Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning +to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this +beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a +dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little +apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours +in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?" +``` + +And now we add stalking to the list. Let's go. + +**** + +``` + "Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help." + "Thanks. Got it upstairs already." + "Do it alone?" + "Nope. Hitched the cat to it." + "How would that help?" + "Used a whip." +``` + +Animal abuse isn't that funny, and this isn't a good punchline. + +**** + +``` + "Hello, Police Department." + "This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually +molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!" + "Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it." + "Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping +on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything. +Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down. +I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He +held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I +couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty +pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an +erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my +throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man. +Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on +my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to +say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't +know how thick... into my... Just a minute." + "What's the matter, mister?" + "Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower." +``` + +Noooooope. + +**** + +``` + "I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks," +the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?" + "All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to +take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the +camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank, +the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind +the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks. + The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed +like twenty more gallons of water. + The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God, +man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!" + The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the +bricks." +``` + +Yet more animal abuse. + +**** + +``` + "I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight. + "Oh, how can you tell?" + "Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't +hear the stereo." +``` + +Nowhere near the worst thing here, but if we're cleaning up the list, making fun of fat people is going too. + +**** + +``` + "I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the +young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me. +I'm on my way." + "Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!" +``` + +More wife bad. + +**** + +``` + It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and +they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed. +One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with +them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?" + Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful +thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the +Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well +brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt." +``` + +Sexism ahoy. + +**** + +``` + It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the +American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know, +sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different +ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?" + "Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this +country there's only one." + "Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez +that?" + "Well, there's a man and a woman, and --" + "Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!" +``` + +The French are all gay? Classic. + +**** + +``` + "Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and +Jewish men?" + "You really want to know?" + "Yeah." + "Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And +Catholic girls fuck like bunnies." +``` + +I uh. what. + +**** + +``` + Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't +seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating +with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however, +it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate +again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This +suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many +life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis +become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened: + The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After +some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate. +The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the +male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until +the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the +male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on +Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office +on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for +a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies +matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him. + Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome +has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is +why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled +to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it +occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while. +``` + +Well, at least this one is sexist to everyone. + +**** + +``` + Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the +people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many +times a job applicant has had the clap. + Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written +by a professional liar? + If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question: +did the applicant go to TCU? + If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she +have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall? + -- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma" +``` + +With context? This is still sketchy as fuck. Sans context? It's gross as all hell. + +**** + +``` + On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum +to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena. +There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning +alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't +dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is +saying." + The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near +the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back +to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is +singing." + "Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?" + "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..." +``` + +Just a hair too gruesome for a general purpose fortunes program. + +**** + +``` + Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of +bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the +court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed +that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5 +pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the +women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band +played appropriate music. + Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon. +He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth +rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved +multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music. + After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the +King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped +his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound, +but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose. +The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored +banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen." +``` + +The *children*? While the 1-2-3 setup is good, the punchline is "dick big", so dropping it. + +**** + +``` + Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for +you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an +oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many +cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment. + Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially +the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are +repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw +in the others. + While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture +of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took +it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture. + Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had +therapy ask if people have had therapy. + Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc. +Assume that she bought them at a flea market. + -- James Peterson and Kate Nolan +``` + +Thoroughly mid on this one. It makes some dated presumptions but it's not egregious. + +**** + +``` + One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while +visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks +up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to +say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in +kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...! + The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs +the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so, +he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person. + Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims, +"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?" + "Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He +never writes..." +``` + +This one is another case of too much for `fortune`. + +**** + +``` + Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a +state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a +dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter) +and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and +eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they +shout, too): + "I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!" + Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he +was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers +flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted: + "I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!" + As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of +amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck! +So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck +tottering to the cliffside and shouting: + "I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!! +``` + +Will the "haha rape is funny" fortunes ever stop? Place your bets now. + +**** + +``` + Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old +has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable +Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?" + The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is +definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho, +gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." + The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay +Santa," she begs. + He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, +you know." + She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing +at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads. + "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know." + Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her +warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs. + Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey, +gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way." +``` + +... No. If you need a reason, how about "nubile sixteen-year-old" and "Santa Claus is an elderly dude". + +**** + +``` + Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a +certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his +own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I +care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young +statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my +dick." + While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was +asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers. + "They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a +whimsical smile, "They're assholes." + Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at +the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of +Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the +upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was +wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister +had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion +and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room +stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are +you staring at, homo?" + -- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon +``` + +The casual misogyny and homophobia, while accurate to the quoted individual, +don't belong in a general-purpose fortunes program. + +**** + +``` + The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating +a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to +his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God." + So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God, +please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he +sees nothing but goyim..." + "Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think +you got problems. What about my son?" +``` + +Let's not "the" people, yeah? + +**** + +``` + The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding. +After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a +branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his +wife's horse, and said, "That's number one." + The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's +horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling. +Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal. +"That's two," he said. + Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit +crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was +off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he +shot the horse between the eyes. + "You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I +married! You're a sadist, that's what!" + The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said. +``` + +No. + +**** + +``` + The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well- +dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he +pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he +replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor." + "Insanity?" exclaimed the judge. + "Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it." +``` + +The answer was no, the rape jokes do not, in fact, stop. + +**** + +``` + THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION + + 1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is + loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty + and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and + phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or + "Bullsheyet". + 2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little + 380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place. + 3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money. + 4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic. + 5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat. + 6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin. + 7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..." + 8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like. + 9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl. +10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive. + -- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son + of a Gun". +``` + +The misogyny continues! + +**** + +``` + There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go +and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain +from sex for thirty days. + Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks +the first couple if they passed the test. + "Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month. + "Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter +the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did. + "Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine +until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and +I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't +stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it +to her right there." + "That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into +the Church after something like that." + "I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us +into Safeway anymore either." +``` + +... *groans* + +**** + +``` + These two project managers were walking through a residential area +one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its +cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager +nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun +-- I wish I could do that!" + Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried +it once, and the damn dog bit me!" +``` + +The classic misunderstanding the prompt punchline, but bestiality is a line too far for most distributions. +Add it back in if you care. + +**** + +``` + "They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their +parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone +being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!" + The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind +Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the +whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission: + "Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information +about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the +country. We're completely computerized. + "The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false +leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his +real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the +country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They +look over the kid's photos and information and they say, `Oh, the Emersons... +yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago. +I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.' + "Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again. +He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue. + "It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year +we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if +your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?" + -- "National Lampoon", September, 1984 +``` + +Yes, this is the Lampoon, but even so, this is dated and a bit racist towards the end. + +**** + +``` + This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks +the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four +months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem. +He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls +up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special +surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just +come on over to the clinic." + "But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too +embarrassed to be seen in public like this." + "Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up +all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put +on a top hat, and come on over." + The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he +reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk, +dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the +nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?" + "My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?" +``` + +Gross. + +**** + +``` + This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters +with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands +dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him. + "Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks. + Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim, +the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next +requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position. + "Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the +guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of +being so helpless. + "Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a +*thing* 'til my nails dry!" +``` + +This isn't explicit homophobia, but it's implied that this is the punchline? + +**** + +``` + This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling +good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair, +sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?" + "I......I'm 21 and I I've never been kissed... +" + So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady. +He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and +the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders +away feeling wonderful. + Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and +sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the +end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?" + "I...I'm 21 and I've never been fucked..." + The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings +her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!" +``` +Another "misunderstanding the prompt", but this one is actively ableist, so let's not. + +**** + +``` + Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge. +The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for +selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge +asked, pointing at the first girl. + "Your honor, I'm a model," she replied. + "Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second +girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked. + "Your honor, I'm an actress." + "Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about +you?" he demanded. + "Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's +the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been +laid off." + "For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence. +Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein, +arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do +for a living?" + "Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..." +``` + +Is it a sexism? Is it an antisemitism? Who knows! (It's both!) + +**** + + +``` + Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about +their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife +has cut me down to just once a week." + "That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know +two guys she's cut off altogether." +``` + +More sexism. + +**** + +``` + Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other +and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen +roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for +three days." + Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?" +``` + +Lol. Lmao. Women hate sex, amirite fellow males? /s + +Pass. + +**** + +``` + When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact +that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your +hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing +to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy +but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty +seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost +invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why, +sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high? + Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. +It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of +Rumania. + -- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls" +``` + +Equally "all dudes suck, amirite fellow ladies?" ain't it. + +**** + +``` + While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of +the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight, +three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods. +"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?" + "Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?" + "She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and +then. We're trying to catch her." + "I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you +carrying a bucket of sand?" + "That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time." +``` + +Hard no. + +**** + +``` + While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself +out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to +France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting +proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you +aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets +and food. All it will cost you is a little love." + The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on +board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large +tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway +and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned +into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one +evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he +waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding +an explanation. She told him the whole story. + "Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I +admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, Miss, I feel it is only fair +to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry." +``` + +Gross. + +**** + +``` + You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an +elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you +up in the bar last night?" + "Uh-huh," the elephant replies. + "Did I bring you home?" + "Uh-huh." + "Did we, uh, fool around?" + "Uh-huh." + "Lord, I must have been tight!" + "Not any more." +``` + +Ehhhhh, let's not. Put it back in if you care. + +**** + +``` +... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed +beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and +quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's +wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at +the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald +had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all +concerned... +I gan noo wha ma organs gan +When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur +So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat +Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure + And iver her purse was wet. +But old Sir Oswald allus stank +Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree +And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out +Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see + What I have done without. +But ere ye come to draw ma heart +Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry +But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me +And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die + Afore I have a pee. + -- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry" +``` + +Kinda a rape joke, but also way too crass for general purpose. + +**** + +``` +0 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: + + 1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up. + 2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds. + 3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. + 4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry. + 5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor. + 6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits. + 7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. + 8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman. + 9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either. +10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: + + 1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. + 2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' + quarterback. + 3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can. + 4. You don't have to let a beer win. + 5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to + sleep with it, too. + 6. A beer helps with the housework. + 7. A beer will never fumble with your bra. + 8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it. + 9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children. +10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom. +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: + + 1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant. + 2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car. + 3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you. + 4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. + 5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine. + 6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. + 7. A beer won't switch the TV channel. + 8. A beer doesn't snore. + 9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. +10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: + + 1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified + aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky. + 2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission. + 3. A beer never fishes for compliments. + 4. Beer tastes good. + 5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest + Hits" as much as you do. + 6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it. + 7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store. + 8. Beer never asks you to change the station. + 9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty + cents less expensive. +10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste + like grass. +% +10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: + + 1. You can enjoy a beer all month. + 2. Beer stains wash out. + 3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month. + 4. Beer never makes you wait. + 5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer. + 6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family". + 7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath. + 8. Beer doesn't demand equality. + 9. Beer labels come off without a fight. +10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left. +% +15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man: + + 1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. + 2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common. + 3. A beer won't steal all the covers. + 4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer. + 5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car. + 6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". + 7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. + 8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky. + 9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. +10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. +11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer. +12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you. +13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series. +14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer. +15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar". +% +20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN + 1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up. + 2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling. + 3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining. + 4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer. + 5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow. + 6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers. + 7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator. + 8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat. + 9. A beer won't steal the covers. +10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo". +11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer. +12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you. +13. A beer tastes good. +14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling. +15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback. +16. You don't have to let a beer win. +17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first. +18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips". +19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook. +20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes. +% +8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman: + + 1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod. + 2. A beer doesn't care when you come. + 3. Beer doesn't have a mother. + 4. Beer doesn't need much closet space. + 5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy + "just for the articles". + 6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks. + 7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the "powder room" with everyone + else's beer. + 8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't + make you ill. +``` + +All of these are just wildly presumptive and sexist. + +**** + +``` +A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for +more than a year. + "Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?" + "Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room." + "I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He +downed his drink and left disgustedly. +A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again. +He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through +this part of town?" + "Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room." + Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of +thing," and turned on his heel and left. + Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on +his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the +bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people +'round here would know?" + "Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess." + "Seven!?" + "Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see, +George don't go for that kind of thing neither." +``` + +It's funny when you make rape jokes about men! Not. Gross. + +**** + +``` +A bad little girl in Madrid, +A most reprehensible kid, + Told her Tante Louise + That her cunt smelled like cheese, +And the worst of it was that it did! +``` + +Considered moving this to limerick, but leaning on the side of cut. + +**** + + +``` +A beat schizophrenic said, "Me? +I am not I, I'm a tree." + But another, more sane, + Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!" +And covered his pants leg with pee. +``` + +This one is a more personal cut, but making fun of mental illness ain't exactly kosher. + +**** + +``` +A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and +purgatory for the purse. +``` + +More casual sexism, why not? + +**** + +``` +A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes +one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right +away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her +thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?" + "Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological +abnormalities." + "Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts. +"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says. + "Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast +cancer." + "That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to +having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing +now?" + "Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes." +``` + +Ew. No. + +**** + +``` +A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar. +Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute +and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after +a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few +minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him +masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked. + "Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!" +``` + +Gross. No. + +**** + +``` +A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick +fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off +the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car. + The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate +to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed +himself in an accentuated manner. + "Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not +Catholic!" + "Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again, +"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen." +``` + +We can leave this one at home. Typos for one, but also just... where is joak. + +**** + +``` +A habit depraved and unsavory +Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery + Midst screeches and howls + He deflowered young owls +Which he kept in an underground aviary +% +A habit obscene and bizarre, +Has taken a-hold of papa. + He brings home young camels + And other odd mammals, +And gives them a go at mama. +% +A habit obscene and unsavory, +Holds a CS professor in slavery. + With maniacal howls, + He deflowers young owls, +That he keeps in an underground aviary. +% +A hacker who screwed a mag tape +Was caught and convicted of rape. + To jail he did go, + From which, to his woe +He couldn't get out with ESC. +% +A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk +Made love to the drive of his disk. + The thing circumcised him, + Which rather surprised him. +He wasn't aware of *that* risk. +``` + +This whole set of four can just... fuck off. + +**** + +``` +A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive +little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid. + -- Adolf Hitler +``` + +If you need to ask, go away and think about your life. I know a broken clock can be right. +This ain't it, chief. + +**** + +``` +A woman is like your shadow; follow her, +she flies; fly from her, she follows. + -- Chamfort +% +A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. +It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure. + -- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel" +% +A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times +over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of +pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door. + -- Stendhal +% +A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments. + -- Herodotus +% +A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social +pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate +woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without +love, without virtue, without sex. + -- Balzac +% +A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot. + -- Pancho Villa +% +A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. + -- Gloria Steinem +% +A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. +Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish. +% +A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long +as he can. + -- Moms Mabley +``` + +The answer to sexism isn't more sexism, let's cut these. + +**** + +``` +A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good. + + [something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.] +``` + +Does the sexism ever stop? (no) + +**** + diff --git a/content/posts/fortune-cleanup.md b/content/posts/fortune-cleanup.md new file mode 100644 index 0000000..0778194 --- /dev/null +++ b/content/posts/fortune-cleanup.md @@ -0,0 +1,74 @@ +--- +title: "Cleaning up fortune and friends" +date: 2022-11-20T22:22:22+11:00 +draft: true +showSummary: true +summary: "As it turns out, fortune-mod has an -o option for \"offensive\" fortunes, which range from vaguely off-colour +to wildly homophobic and outright racist. We figured someone should clean up and reorganise the program to get rid +of anything vile, and replace the offensive category with an NSFW category." +--- + +# Background + +> **(Selene)** Hi there. Unlike most of the blogs on here, I'll be narrating this one. This topic is closer to my heart, +> and requires less technical expertise than most of the others. I'll still defer to Ashe for any code changes, though. +> The gods know I can't grok C to save my life. + +The [original fortune package](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fortune_(Unix)) was written in 1979, a good 43 years ago. +Obviously, times have changed since than, and the package itself has gone through several revisions and re-writes. +Fortunes have also been added, removed, and moved around. + +There currently exist two maintained distributions. The [original BSD version](https://github.com/ahills/fortune), +repackaged to run on Alpine Linux, and [fortune-mod](https://github.com/shlomif/fortune-mod), which is a re-write in C. + +## Why is this a problem? + +Three Reasons: + +1. A lot of the "offensive" fortunes are simply insensitive, mocking, or degrading by today's standards. + Even were they not, it sets a bad example to have a fortunes package that spits out slurs or homophobia[^1] + at people by default, even if it *is* gated behind a flag. If people truly want these fortunes, they should + be contained in their own package that distros can opt and out of as they please, + instead of everything being clubbed together. +2. Sensibilities have changed since the 1970s, and while some fortunes have been removed, a lot of the fortunes in these + packages would get you a stern talking-to if your manager saw it. These should live in an NSFW category. + While this overlaps with an "offensive" category, it is not the same thing. +3. As fortunes have been written, added, modified, and removed, the categories have gotten blurry and indistinct. The + fortunes themselves need a re-organisation and trim. + +[^1]: Or Hitler quotes, for that matter. + +## How do we fix this? + +There's a number of problems here, but fundamentally, they are all organisational problems. As such, our first task is to tag each fortune as NSFW, a candidate for removal, or inaccurate in its category. + +From there we can restructure the packages and propose these changes upstream. + +## Where do we start? + +We'll start with BSD's `fortune` package, as used in Alpine, for two reasons. For one, it is smaller than `fortunes-mod`. For two, the Alpine Linux maintainers tend to be relatively sensible, so this will be a good proving ground. + +## Let's get to it + +We started by mirroring the [fortune](https://github.com/ahills/fortune) package used on Alpine. + +### First steps + +The very first thing we'll do is move the default branch from `master` to `main`. This is a very small thing, but if we should be thorough if we're going to do this. + +### Scanning through the fortunes +In the BSD/Alpine version, the fortunes are located in the `datfiles` directory, and the files we care about are: +- fortunes-o +- fortunes2-o +- limerick + +These are noted as having the "offensive" fortunes, however we'll also give the non-offensive fortunes a scan. Since the fortunes in this version aren't categorised, we'll leave them uncategorised for now. Maybe a project for later. + +> **(Doll)** Doll will remind Miss Selene about this another time! +> +> **(Selene)** Thanks Doll. + +We've created a [full breakdown]({{< ref "lists/fortunes-cleanup" >}}) of each fortune that was removed, moved, or altered, and *why*, if you're interested. Content Notices for that page are **everything**. This is not a joke. I try to provide a summary near the top of the kinds +of content present, but it is not exhaustive, and fortunes are not individually marked and spoilered. + +By the by, huge thanks to the Treehouse Systems community for helping us out with screening these. \ No newline at end of file