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|| Watch for it at a theater near you next summer! ||
|| ||
=======================================================================
%
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
%
Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
"Fortune Cookie"
Directed by Steven Spielberg.

343
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@ -401,26 +401,6 @@ handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
fixed?"
%
An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names, please?"
said the soldier.
"My name is Mary," said the woman.
"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
"To Bethlehem."
"Your reason for going there?"
"To pay our taxes to the government."
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
%
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
%
"Anything else, sir?" asked the attentive bellhop, trying his best
to make the lady and gentleman comfortable in their penthouse suite in the
@ -429,63 +409,6 @@ posh hotel.
"Anything for your wife, sir?" the bellhop asked.
"Why, yes, young man," said the gentleman. "Would you bring me
a postcard?"
%
Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
15 minutes a day!
SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
%
Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
%
Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
too fast."
%
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
@ -507,18 +430,6 @@ times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
%
But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
calf they were sucking hind teat...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
-- "The Begatting of a President"
%
But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that
cannot be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin
@ -527,12 +438,6 @@ latter is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing
with him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole
bunch of knuckles.
-- Harlan Ellison
%
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
your penis?"
"Uh, not right now."
"Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
-- Real Genius
%
Churchill was known to drain a glass or two and, after one
particularly convivial evening, he chanced to encounter Miss Bessie Braddock,
@ -558,30 +463,9 @@ something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done. And by
the way, if you see your Mom this weekend, would be you sure and tell her,
`SATAN, SATAN, SATAN!!!'"
-- Butthole Surfers, "Sweat Loaf"
%
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
Sept 28 Blind Academy
Sept 30 World War I Veterans
Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
%
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
%
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
"But this is different," protested her husband.
"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
Now tell me what our problem is."
"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
bastard child."
%
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are
married?"
@ -612,45 +496,6 @@ bertillion system. They used cunning. They used guile. They used treachery.
They used Raoul-Mitgong but he wasn't much help. They used applied physics.
They used techniques of criminology. And what the hell, they caught him.
-- Harlan Ellison, "Repent, Harlequin, said the Tick-Tock Man"
%
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
%
During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
%
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
%
Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
than fried chicken, is it?"
Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
finest I've ever had."
-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
%
Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
@ -698,19 +543,6 @@ only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
%
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
town."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
"Oh, no, you're not."
"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
%
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief
vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an
@ -740,20 +572,6 @@ remarked to the remaining professor, who was the most senior and learned of
the four, "You haven't suggested a name for our ladies. What are your
thoughts?"
Replied the fourth professor, "`An Anthology of Prose'."
%
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
%
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
%
God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
@ -812,13 +630,6 @@ surprise," smiled the bride.
leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
%
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
"Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
"Do it alone?"
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
"How would that help?"
"Used a whip."
%
"Hello, Mrs. Premise!"
"Oh, hello, Mrs. Conclusion! Busy day?"
@ -832,26 +643,6 @@ on the safe side."
"Quite right. You don't want to come back from Sorrento
to a dead cat, do you?"
-- Monty Python
%
"Hello, Police Department."
"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
"What's the matter, mister?"
"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
%
Here is the problem: for many years, the Supreme Court wrestled
with the issue of pornography, until finally Associate Justice John
@ -871,11 +662,6 @@ it because the court was going to take a nap.
"Ran over a bottle."
"Didn't you see it?"
"Damn kid had it under his coat."
%
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
%
"I know a life of crime led me to this sorry state. I blame
society. Society made me what I am today!"
@ -886,36 +672,13 @@ like me."
"...gurgle..."
"... maybe not."
-- Repo Man
%
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."
%
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
"Oh, how can you tell?"
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
hear the stereo."
%
I went into a bar feeling a little depressed, the bartender said,
"What'll you have, Bud"?
I said," I don't know, surprise me".
So he showed me a nude picture of my wife.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
%
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
%
In the beginning, God created the Earth and he said, "Let there be
mud."
@ -942,15 +705,6 @@ those annoying mountains and rivers. I never could stand them!"
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency. God replied to
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
than a citizen bless their country?"
%
It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
%
It was April the 41st, being a quadruple leap year. I was driving
in downtown Atlantis. My Barracuda was in the shop, so I was in a rented
@ -961,30 +715,11 @@ Oyster Bar. A real dive. But I knew the owner. He used to play for the
Dolphins. I said "Hi, Gil!" You have to yell -- he's hard of herring.
-- Kip Addotta, "Wet Dream"
%
It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
"Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
country there's only one."
"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
that?"
"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
%
"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
Jewish men?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
%
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
Joan spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that
no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall
tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
@ -993,30 +728,6 @@ wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
%
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
%
Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
mirror, admiring her breasts.
@ -1072,48 +783,6 @@ therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
%
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
by a professional liar?
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
%
On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
"Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
%
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
%
One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and