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@ -2,18 +2,6 @@
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69 with two fingers up your ass.
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-- George Carlin
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%
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A bather whose clothing was strewed
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By breezes that left her quite nude,
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Saw a man come along
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And, unless I'm quite wrong,
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You expected this line to be lewd.
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%
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A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
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I am not I, I'm a tree."
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But another, more sane,
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Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
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And covered his pants leg with pee.
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%
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A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
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to the top.
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%
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@ -76,40 +64,10 @@ having fun.
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A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
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up with yesterday.
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%
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A remarkable race are the Persians;
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They have such peculiar diversions.
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They make love the whole day
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In the usual way
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And save up the nights for perversions.
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%
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|
A team playing baseball in Dallas
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Called the umpire blind out of malice.
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While this worthy had fits
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The team made eight hits
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And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
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%
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A wanton young lady from Wimley
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Reproached for not acting quite primly
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Said, "Heavens above!
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I know sex isn't love,
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But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
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%
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A widow who fancied a man some
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Was diddled three times in a hansome.
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When she clamored for more
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Her young man became sore
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And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
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%
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"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
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drawers."
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|
-- Blind Lemon Pledge
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%
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A worried young man from Stamboul
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Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
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Said the doctor, a cynic,
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"Get out of my clinic;
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Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
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%
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|
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
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%
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Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
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@ -154,12 +112,6 @@ America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room. Every time it
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wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
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|
-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
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%
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|
An architect fellow named Yoric
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|
Could, when feeling euphoric,
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|
Display for selection
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|
Three kinds of erection --
|
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|
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
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%
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|
An Army travels on her stomach.
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%
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|
An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
|
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|
@ -193,11 +145,6 @@ Panic, n.:
|
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|
|
|
"Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
|
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|
|
-- Joseph C. Wang
|
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|
%
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|
|
"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
|
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|
|
released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
|
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|
|
enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
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|
|
-- Ronald Reagan
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|
%
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|
|
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
|
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|
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
|
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|
|
blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
|
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|
@ -229,11 +176,6 @@ Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
|
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|
Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
|
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|
-- Tom Lehrer
|
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|
%
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|
|
Behold the unborn fetus and
|
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|
|
Weep salt tears crocodilian;
|
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|
|
All life is sacred (save, of course,
|
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|
|
An enemy civilian).
|
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|
%
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|
|
Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
|
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|
|
gin.
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|
|
-- Ralph Nader
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|
@ -349,9 +291,6 @@ Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
|
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%
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|
Coito ergo sum
|
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%
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|
|
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
|
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|
|
later you wish you'd never come.
|
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|
%
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|
|
Communists do it without class.
|
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|
%
|
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|
|
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
|
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|
|
@ -364,9 +303,6 @@ Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
|
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|
%
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|
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
|
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|
%
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|
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
|
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|
|
pillage!!
|
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|
%
|
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|
|
Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
|
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|
|
This visage meek and humble,
|
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|
|
And hear this confidential plea
|
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|
|
@ -390,10 +326,6 @@ Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
|
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|
|
the people.
|
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|
|
-- Oscar Wilde
|
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|
%
|
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|
|
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
|
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|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
... Seats 500.
|
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|
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|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
|
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|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
|
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|
|
|
@ -441,27 +373,6 @@ Eisenhower was very nice,
|
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|
|
Nixon was his only vice.
|
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|
|
|
-- C. Degen
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
|
|
|
|
|
(1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
|
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|
|
|
sleep in the wet spot.
|
|
|
|
|
(2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
|
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|
|
|
themselves.
|
|
|
|
|
(3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
|
|
|
|
|
married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
|
|
|
|
|
your brother!
|
|
|
|
|
(4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
|
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|
|
(5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
|
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|
|
|
wet.
|
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|
|
(6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
|
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|
|
|
boy".
|
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|
|
(7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
|
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|
|
(8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
|
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|
|
(9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
|
|
|
|
|
pillow.
|
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|
|
|
(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
|
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|
|
(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
|
|
|
|
|
left it.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
|
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|
|
|
professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
|
|
|
|
|
male schlemiel.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -473,11 +384,6 @@ Evangelists do it with Him watching.
|
|
|
|
|
just a bit unchivalrous ..."
|
|
|
|
|
-- Robert Benchley
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
|
|
|
|
|
women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
|
|
|
|
|
handbags are full.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Earl Wilson
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
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|
|
Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
|
|
|
|
|
licentious, dirty bum!!
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
@ -495,14 +401,6 @@ offered by Caspar Weinberger:
|
|
|
|
|
Fornication, n.:
|
|
|
|
|
Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
|
|
|
|
|
and you didn't scream?
|
|
|
|
|
A: No ma'am.
|
|
|
|
|
Q: Does that mean you consented?
|
|
|
|
|
A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
|
|
|
|
|
he also admitted doing it. Now, do you know why his father didn't
|
|
|
|
|
punish him? Because George still had the axe in his hand.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -525,7 +423,7 @@ innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
|
|
|
|
|
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
|
|
|
|
|
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
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|
|
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
|
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|
|
|
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
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|
|
God is an atheist.
|
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|
|
|
%
|
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|
|
|
@ -608,12 +506,6 @@ finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
|
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|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
"He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
He hated to mend, so young Ned
|
|
|
|
|
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
|
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|
|
|
Her husband said, "Vi,
|
|
|
|
|
When you stitched up his torn fly,
|
|
|
|
|
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
|
|
|
|
|
_H_A_D to make him President of the United States. It's the only job he's
|
|
|
|
|
qualified for!
|
|
|
|
|
@ -682,8 +574,6 @@ lucky to escape with our skins!"
|
|
|
|
|
Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
|
|
|
|
|
-- John Valby
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
I am an atheist, thank God!
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
|
|
|
|
|
@ -704,12 +594,6 @@ I hope he fries in Hell.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
I once met a lassie named Ruth
|
|
|
|
|
In a long distance telephone booth.
|
|
|
|
|
Now I know the perfection
|
|
|
|
|
Of an ideal connection
|
|
|
|
|
Even if somewhat uncouth.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
"I own my own body, but I share."
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
|
|
|
|
|
@ -871,12 +755,6 @@ growth of the Laboratories."
|
|
|
|
|
And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
|
|
|
|
|
it was Good!
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
|
|
|
|
|
Massaging the bust of his madam,
|
|
|
|
|
He chuckled with mirth,
|
|
|
|
|
For he knew that on earth,
|
|
|
|
|
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Incest, n.:
|
|
|
|
|
Sibling revelry.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
@ -914,8 +792,6 @@ groats"? *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha. But that doesn't
|
|
|
|
|
help *___you* much.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Kill a commie for Christ!
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
|
|
|
|
|
all will end as doves.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
@ -984,10 +860,6 @@ with his head stuck up his ass.
|
|
|
|
|
saying except in a desperate case. It is like saying, "My mother,
|
|
|
|
|
drunk or sober."
|
|
|
|
|
-- G. K. Chesterton
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
|
|
|
|
|
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
|
|
|
|
|
Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1028,15 +900,6 @@ Nothing is better than Sex.
|
|
|
|
|
Masturbation is better than nothing.
|
|
|
|
|
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
O'Riordan's Theorem:
|
|
|
|
|
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Purmal's Corollary:
|
|
|
|
|
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
|
|
|
|
|
availability goes to zero.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Occident, n.:
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1051,12 +914,6 @@ Ocean, n.:
|
|
|
|
|
A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
|
|
|
|
|
man -- who has no gills.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Once a young gay from Khartoum
|
|
|
|
|
Took a lesbian up to his room.
|
|
|
|
|
They argued all night
|
|
|
|
|
Over who had the right
|
|
|
|
|
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
|
|
|
|
|
fly south for the winter. However, soon after the weather turned cold,
|
|
|
|
|
the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1179,10 +1036,6 @@ A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
|
|
|
|
|
Q: How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
|
|
|
|
|
A: As much as he wants.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
|
|
|
|
|
be?
|
|
|
|
|
A: A fur coat.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Q: What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
|
|
|
|
|
A: Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1195,9 +1048,6 @@ A: It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
|
|
|
|
|
Q: What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
|
|
|
|
|
A: A cheese grater.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
|
|
|
|
|
A: Two hours of begging.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Q: Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
|
|
|
|
|
A: Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1224,14 +1074,6 @@ for farting at a friend.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Reagan can't _a_c_t, either.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
|
|
|
|
|
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
|
|
|
|
|
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
|
|
|
|
|
grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
|
|
|
|
|
liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
|
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do with the other.
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-- Jules Feiffer
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%
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|
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
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country. The remainder is thrown out.
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%
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@ -1259,18 +1101,6 @@ any reason why they should. Democrats ought to, but don't.
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%
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Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
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%
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|
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
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|
"My favorite sport is coitus."
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|
|
But a fullback from State
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Made her period late,
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And now she has athlete's fetus.
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%
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|
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
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Whose virtue was largely a myth,
|
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"Try as hard as I can,
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I can't find a man
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That it's fun to be virtuous with."
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%
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|
|
Said Einstein, "I have an equation
|
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|
|
Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
|
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|
|
Let _V be virginity
|
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|
@ -1283,8 +1113,6 @@ With the square root of _M_u inserted
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The result, Q.E.D.,
|
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|
Is a relative!" Einstein asserted.
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%
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|
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
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%
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|
Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
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needed.
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%
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|
@ -1324,11 +1152,6 @@ Subpoena, n.:
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|
From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
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|
organ or penis. Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
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%
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|
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
|
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|
-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
|
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|
|
the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
|
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|
|
Association
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%
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|
Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
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you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
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%
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|
@ -1377,14 +1200,6 @@ cactus has the pricks on the outside.
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... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
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|
out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
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|
-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
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%
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|
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
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|
My back aches, my pussy is sore;
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|
I simply can't fuck any more;
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|
I'm covered with sweat,
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|
And you haven't come yet,
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|
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
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%
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|
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
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putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
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|
@ -1458,7 +1273,7 @@ enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
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|
-- Henry Kissinger
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%
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|
|
The United States Army:
|
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|
|
194 years of proud service,
|
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|
|
247 years of proud service,
|
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|
|
unhampered by progress.
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%
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|
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
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|
@ -1500,197 +1315,11 @@ contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
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|
|
bomb a virgin building is terrific.
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|
|
-- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
|
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|
%
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|
|
There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
|
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|
have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
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|
|
America, with all of the military strength of America, those
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|
|
revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
|
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|
|
organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
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|
oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
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|
|
-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
|
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|
%
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|
There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
|
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|
%
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|
|
"There is a God, but He drinks."
|
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|
-- Blore
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%
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|
There once was a couple named Kelley,
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|
Who lived their life belly to belly.
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|
Because in their haste
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|
They used Library Paste,
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|
|
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
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%
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|
There once was a feisty young terrier
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|
|
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
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|
|
He'd yip and he'd yap,
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|
|
Then leap up and snap;
|
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|
|
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
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%
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|
There once was a freshman named Lin,
|
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|
|
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
|
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|
|
A virgin named Joan
|
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|
|
From a bible belt home,
|
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|
|
Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
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|
%
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|
|
There once was a hacker named Ken
|
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|
|
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
|
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|
|
So he built him some chicks
|
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|
|
Of silicon chips
|
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|
|
And hasn't been heard from since then.
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%
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|
There once was a lady from Exeter,
|
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|
|
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
|
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|
|
One was even so brave
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|
As to take out and wave
|
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|
|
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
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|
%
|
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|
|
There once was a man named Eugene
|
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|
|
Who invented a screwing machine
|
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|
|
Concave and convex
|
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|
|
It served either sex
|
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|
|
And it played with itself in between.
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|
%
|
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|
|
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
|
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|
|
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
|
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|
|
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
|
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|
|
I think someone's coming!"
|
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|
|
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
|
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|
%
|
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|
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
|
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|
|
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
|
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|
|
|
Till a prince from Peru
|
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|
|
Who came up for a screw
|
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|
|
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
|
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|
%
|
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|
|
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
|
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|
|
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
|
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|
|
|
It was not the size
|
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|
|
|
That cause such surprise;
|
|
|
|
|
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
|
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|
%
|
|
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|
|
There was a bluestocking in Florence
|
|
|
|
|
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
|
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|
|
|
Till a Spanish grandee,
|
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|
|
Got her off with his knee,
|
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|
|
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
|
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|
%
|
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|
|
There was a gay countess of Bray,
|
|
|
|
|
And you may think it odd when I say,
|
|
|
|
|
That in spite of high station,
|
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|
|
Rank and education,
|
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|
|
|
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
|
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|
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|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young fellow named Bliss
|
|
|
|
|
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
|
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|
|
|
For even with Venus
|
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|
|
|
His recalcitrant penis
|
|
|
|
|
Would never do better than t
|
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|
|
|
h
|
|
|
|
|
i
|
|
|
|
|
s
|
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|
|
|
.
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|
%
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|
|
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
|
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|
|
|
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
|
|
|
|
|
She said with a yell,
|
|
|
|
|
As a shot rang her bell,
|
|
|
|
|
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
|
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|
%
|
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|
|
|
There was a young girl named Sapphire
|
|
|
|
|
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
|
|
|
|
|
She said, "It's a sin,
|
|
|
|
|
But now that it's in,
|
|
|
|
|
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
|
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|
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|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young girl of Angina
|
|
|
|
|
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
|
|
|
|
|
From the love-making frock
|
|
|
|
|
(With the proper sized cock)
|
|
|
|
|
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
|
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|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
|
|
|
|
|
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
|
|
|
|
|
There was never a sound
|
|
|
|
|
For miles around
|
|
|
|
|
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young lad name of Durcan
|
|
|
|
|
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
|
|
|
|
|
His father said, "Durcan!
|
|
|
|
|
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
|
|
|
|
|
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young lady from Maine
|
|
|
|
|
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
|
|
|
|
|
But you knew from the view,
|
|
|
|
|
As her abdomen grew,
|
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|
|
|
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
|
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|
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|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young lady named Clair
|
|
|
|
|
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
|
|
|
|
|
At least so I thought
|
|
|
|
|
Till I saw one get caught
|
|
|
|
|
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
|
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|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young lady named Hall,
|
|
|
|
|
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
|
|
|
|
|
The dress caught on fire
|
|
|
|
|
And burned her entire
|
|
|
|
|
Front page, sporting section, and all.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young lady named Twiss
|
|
|
|
|
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
|
|
|
|
|
For it tickled her bum
|
|
|
|
|
And caused her to come
|
|
|
|
|
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
|
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|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young lady of Norway
|
|
|
|
|
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
|
|
|
|
|
She said to her beau
|
|
|
|
|
"Just look at me, Joe;
|
|
|
|
|
I think I've discovered one more way."
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
|
|
|
|
|
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
|
|
|
|
|
But the banister broke
|
|
|
|
|
So he doubled his stroke
|
|
|
|
|
And finished her off in mid-air.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young man named Crockett
|
|
|
|
|
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
|
|
|
|
|
His wife was a bitch,
|
|
|
|
|
And she threw the switch,
|
|
|
|
|
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young man of Cape Horn
|
|
|
|
|
Who wished he had never been born,
|
|
|
|
|
And he wouldn't have been
|
|
|
|
|
If his father had seen
|
|
|
|
|
That the end of the rubber was torn.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young man of St. John's
|
|
|
|
|
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
|
|
|
|
|
But the loyal hall porter
|
|
|
|
|
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
|
|
|
|
|
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was a young whore from Kaloo
|
|
|
|
|
Who filled her vagina with glue.
|
|
|
|
|
She said with a grin,
|
|
|
|
|
"If they pay to get in,
|
|
|
|
|
They can pay to get out again too!"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was an old man of the port
|
|
|
|
|
Whose prick was remarkably short.
|
|
|
|
|
When he got into bed,
|
|
|
|
|
The old woman said,
|
|
|
|
|
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There was an old pirate named Bates
|
|
|
|
|
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
|
|
|
|
|
He fell on his cutlass,
|
|
|
|
|
Which rendered him nutless
|
|
|
|
|
And practically useless on dates.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There were the Scots
|
|
|
|
|
Who kept the Sabbath
|
|
|
|
|
And everything else they could lay their hands on.
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1714,9 +1343,6 @@ There's more than one way to skin a cat:
|
|
|
|
|
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
|
|
|
|
|
Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
|
|
|
|
|
Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
|
|
|
|
|
and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Billy Joel
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1755,8 +1381,6 @@ YOU SHOULD:
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
"Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
|
|
|
|
|
name."
|
|
|
|
|
-- Gore Vidal
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1807,11 +1431,6 @@ Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
|
|
|
|
|
Vidi, vici, veni.
|
|
|
|
|
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
Virgin, n.:
|
|
|
|
|
An ugly third grader.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
War is menstruation envy.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
"Water? Never touch the stuff! Fish fuck in it."
|
|
|
|
|
-- W. C. Fields
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1821,10 +1440,6 @@ We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
|
|
|
|
|
hand."
|
|
|
|
|
-- James Watt
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
We have reason to believe that man first
|
|
|
|
|
walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Lily Tomlin
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
"We should declare war on North Vietnam. We could pave the whole
|
|
|
|
|
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
|
|
|
|
|
-- Ronald Reagan
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1882,11 +1497,6 @@ God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God. He's
|
|
|
|
|
not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
|
|
|
|
|
-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
When God created man, She was only testing.
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
|
|
|
|
|
-- Charles Merrill Smith
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
"When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
|
|
|
|
|
can't happen."
|
|
|
|
|
-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
|
|
|
|
|
@ -1900,12 +1510,6 @@ would be before she could resume her sex life. "I really haven't
|
|
|
|
|
thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon. "You're the first
|
|
|
|
|
patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
|
|
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
|
|
|
|
|
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
|
|
|
|
|
She explained, "They are flat,
|
|
|
|
|
But think nothing of that --
|
|
|
|
|
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
|
|
|
|
|
%
|
|
|
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"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
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so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall. That way, by the
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time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
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@ -1914,9 +1518,6 @@ Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
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horses?
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-- G. Gordon Liddy
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%
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Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
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then she isn't good enough for you.
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%
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Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
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%
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Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
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@ -1962,30 +1563,12 @@ no-no, you:
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You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
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your girlfriend gets the munchies!
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%
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You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
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-- Frederick B. Artz
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%
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You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
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pick your friend's nose.
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%
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You can't underestimate the power of fear.
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-- Tricia Nixon
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%
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You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
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get back inside.
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-- Heathcote Williams
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%
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You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
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and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
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there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
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(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
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name.
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(b) Ask what position she played.
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(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
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%
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You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor. The success of this
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proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%. In the middle of your
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proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
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@ -2000,16 +1583,4 @@ into your coffee. You:
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%
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"You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
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to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
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-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
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%
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... But among the children of the Great Society there were
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those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
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and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
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Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
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they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
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people go to the front of the bus."
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But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
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deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
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yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
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unto a snowball in Hell."
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-- "The Begatting of a President"
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-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
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Rin