89 KiB
89 KiB
| title | date | draft |
|---|---|---|
| List of Fortunes Removed from fortune (BSD) | 2022-11-20T02:06:44+11:00 | true |
Overview
Below are listed every moved, altered, and removed fortune.
Bonus fun game: See if you can see where we start losing our minds.
Content Notice
The following list contains (but is not limited to):
- Rape Jokes
- Holocaust Jokes
- Literal, Actual Hitler Quotes
- Cannibalism
- Necrophilia
- Homophobia
- Transphobia
- Pedophilia
Content Notices will not be marked per-fortune1. If you choose to continue reading, please do so knowing that there will be unmarked content of various levels of repungence.
(Octavia) whistles Daaaaamn. There's a lot of limericks in here already. 5000 lines? That's just shy of 1,000.
(Selene) sighs Yes, indeed. This will take us a while. And won't be pleasant. I'm not the type to enjoy these types of jokes.
(Ashe): Let's see if our intrepid readers can detect the exact moment Selene gives up and I take over.
fortunes-o
Notes
Fortunes-o will be retained as an "NSFW" list, and will be trimmed of anything repungent or outdated.
List of Fortunes and Decisions
Limericks
Decision: All moved to limerick.
(Ashe): I have half a mind to say the entirety of limerick should be cut. Only the very first one here is even remotely amusing, and a lot of the rest hit content warnings. Several 10s of hours later Yeah no, we'll be omitting all of
limerickin the final commit. Distros are welcome to cherry-pick it back in, but we'll be pushing for removal in Alpine.
A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude,
Saw a man come along
And, unless I'm quite wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.
A remarkable race are the Persians;
They have such peculiar diversions.
They make love the whole day
In the usual way
And save up the nights for perversions.
A team playing baseball in Dallas
Called the umpire blind out of malice.
While this worthy had fits
The team made eight hits
And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
A wanton young lady from Wimley
Reproached for not acting quite primly
Said, "Heavens above!
I know sex isn't love,
But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
A widow who fancied a man some
Was diddled three times in a hansome.
When she clamored for more
Her young man became sore
And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
A worried young man from Stamboul
Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
Said the doctor, a cynic,
"Get out of my clinic;
Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
An architect fellow named Yoric
Could, when feeling euphoric,
Display for selection
Three kinds of erection --
Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
He hated to mend, so young Ned
Called in a cute neighbor instead.
Her husband said, "Vi,
When you stitched up his torn fly,
Did you have to bite off the thread?"
I once met a lassie named Ruth
In a long distance telephone booth.
Now I know the perfection
Of an ideal connection
Even if somewhat uncouth.
In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
Massaging the bust of his madam,
He chuckled with mirth,
For he knew that on earth,
There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
"My favorite sport is coitus."
But a fullback from State
Made her period late,
And now she has athlete's fetus.
Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
Whose virtue was largely a myth,
"Try as hard as I can,
I can't find a man
That it's fun to be virtuous with."
There once was a couple named Kelley,
Who lived their life belly to belly.
Because in their haste
They used Library Paste,
Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
There once was a feisty young terrier
Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
He'd yip and he'd yap,
Then leap up and snap;
And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
There once was a freshman named Lin,
Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
A virgin named Joan
From a bible belt home,
Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
There once was a hacker named Ken
Who inherited truckloads of Yen
So he built him some chicks
Of silicon chips
And hasn't been heard from since then.
There once was a lady from Exeter,
So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
One was even so brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
There once was a man named Eugene
Who invented a screwing machine
Concave and convex
It served either sex
And it played with itself in between.
There once was a plumber from Leigh,
Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
I think someone's coming!"
Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
There once was a queen of Bulgaria
Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
Till a prince from Peru
Who came up for a screw
Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
There once was a Scot named McAmeter
With a tool of prodigious diameter.
It was not the size
That cause such surprise;
'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
There was a bluestocking in Florence
Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
Till a Spanish grandee,
Got her off with his knee,
And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
There was a gay countess of Bray,
And you may think it odd when I say,
That in spite of high station,
Rank and education,
She always spelled cunt with a "k".
There was a young fellow named Bliss
Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
For even with Venus
His recalcitrant penis
Would never do better than t
h
i
s
.
There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
There was a young girl named Sapphire
Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
She said, "It's a sin,
But now that it's in,
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
There was a young girl of Angina
Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
From the love-making frock
(With the proper sized cock)
Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
There was a young girl of Darjeeling
Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
There was never a sound
For miles around
Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
There was a young lad name of Durcan
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
His father said, "Durcan!
Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
There was a young lady from Maine
Who claimed she had men on her brain.
But you knew from the view,
As her abdomen grew,
It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
At least so I thought
Till I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin losing air.
There was a young lady named Hall,
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section, and all.
There was a young lady named Twiss
Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
For it tickled her bum
And caused her to come
.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
There was a young lady of Norway
Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
She said to her beau
"Just look at me, Joe;
I think I've discovered one more way."
There was a young man from Bel-Aire
Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
But the banister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
There was a young man named Crockett
Whose balls got caught in a socket.
His wife was a bitch,
And she threw the switch,
As Crockett went off like a rocket.
There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born,
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.
There was a young man of St. John's
Who wanted to bugger the swans.
But the loyal hall porter
Said, "Pray take my daughter!
Those birds are reserved for the dons."
There was a young whore from Kaloo
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They can pay to get out again too!"
There was an old man of the port
Whose prick was remarkably short.
When he got into bed,
The old woman said,
"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
There was an old pirate named Bates
Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass,
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.
While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
She explained, "They are flat,
But think nothing of that --
You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
A busy young lady named Gloria
Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
And then by six men,
Sir Gerald again,
And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
A cabin boy on an old clipper
Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
He plugged up his ass
With fragments of glass
And thus circumcised his old skipper.
A cautious young fellow named Lodge,
Had seatbelts installed in his Dodge.
With his date all strapped in
He committed a sin
Without even leaving the garage.
-- "A Boy and His Dog"
A cautious young fellow named Tunney
Had a whang that was worth any money.
When eased in half-way,
The girl's sigh made him say,
"Why the sigh?" "For the rest of it, honey."
A clergical student named Simms
Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
A nice piece of ass
Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
All the others get Anglican hymns.
A clerical student named Pryne
Through pain sought to reach the divine:
He wore a hair shirt,
Quite often ate dirt,
And bathed every Friday in brine.
-- Edward Gorey
A clever young man named Eugene
Invented a jack-off machine.
On the twenty-third stroke
The fuckin' thing broke
And beat both his balls to a cream.
A cocksucking steno named Beeman
Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
"On my minuscule salary
I must watch every calorie,
So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
A computer called Illiac4
Had a rather tough bug in its core.
It chewed up its cards
And spewed yards and yards
Of illegible tape on the floor.
A computer, to print out a fact,
Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
But this output can be
No more than debris,
If the input was short of exact.
-- Gigo
A contortionist hailing from Lynch
Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
A foot cost a quid --
He could and he did
Stretch it to three in a pinch.
A corpulent maiden named Kroll
Had a notion exceedingly droll:
At a masquerade ball,
Dressed in nothing at all,
She backed in as a Parker House roll.
A couple was fishing near Clombe
When the maid began looking quite glum,
And said, "Bother the fish!
I'd rather coish!"
Which they did -- which was why they had come.
A cowhand way out in Seattle
Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
He said, "No, I can't fuck
A lamb or a duck,
But golly! it just fits the cattle."
A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
And had an affair with a Saracen.
She was not oversexed,
Or jealous or vexed,
She just wanted to make a comparison.
A CS student named Lin
Had a prick the size of a pin
It was no good for girls
But just great for squirrels
Who squealed with delight with it in.
A cute little twerp from Samoa
Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
It was good for keyholes
And debutantes' peeholes
But not worth a damn on a whoa.
A daredevil skater named Lowe,
Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
But is proudest of doing,
Some incredible screwing,
Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
A deep-throated virgin named Netty
Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
She said, "It tastes nice,
Much better than rice,
Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
A delighted, incredulous bride
Remarked to her groom at her side :
"I never could quite
Believe till tonight
Our anatomies would coincide."
A dentist, young doctor Malone,
Got a charming girl patient alone,
And, in his depravity,
Filled the wrong cavity.
God, how his practice has grown.
A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
Let his third-story front,
To a willing young cunt,
Who supplied him a new lease on life!
A desperate spinster from Clare
Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
And prayed to her God
For a romp on the sod--
'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
As quick as a glance
He stripped off his pants,
But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
A doctoral student from Buckingham
Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
But a dropout from paree
Taught him Gamahuchee
So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
She blew her vagina
To South Carolina,
And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
They found her vagina,
In South Carolina,
And part of her ass in Brazil.
A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
Whose overworked sex is all callous,
Wore the foreskin away
On uncircumcised Ray,
Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
Wished to foster an aura of menace.
To make people afraid
He wore gloves of grey suede
And white footgear intended for tennis.
-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
A guest in a household quite charmless
Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
"If you're caught unawares
At the head of the stairs,
Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
-- Edward Gorey
A progressive professor named Winners
Held classes each evening for sinners.
They were graded and spaced
So the vile and debased
Would not be held back by beginners.
Moved
No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
she will or will not be a mother.
-- Margaret H. Sanger
Decision: This... isn't offensive? Or NSFW? Moved to fortunes.
The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
My back aches, my pussy is sore;
I simply can't fuck any more;
I'm covered with sweat,
And you haven't come yet,
And my God, it's a quarter to four!
Ha ha old people can't come and men don't know how to fuck, such a side splitter.
That said, it's the right kind of tasteless for a limerick.
Decision: Moved to limerick.
There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
have been in a position of trying to stop them. With all the wealth of
America, with all of the military strength of America, those
revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
oppressive. They are revolutions against feudalism. [1952]
-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
This is plain old true, and isn't phrased in any offensive way. Why is it here.
Decision: Moved to fortunes.
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
This... isn't objectionable or NSFW?
Decision: Moved to fortunes2.
Altered
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
Typo? Typo.
Changed to:
God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
The United States Army:
194 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
This one actually got a chuckle. Updated for 2023.
Changed to:
The United States Army:
248 years of proud service,
unhampered by progress.
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
Honestly, decent joke. Let's cut back on the objectification though.
Changed to:
Joan spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel.
She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that
no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall
tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was
lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definitely
made his TOOTSIE ROLL.
He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
MUSKETEERS."
-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
Typo.
From: "you're better then the 3 MUSKETEERS."
To: "you're better than the 3 MUSKETEERS."
Sentenced to two years hard labor (for sodomy), Oscar Wilde
stood handcuffed in driving rain waiting for transport to prison. "If
this is the way Queen Victoria treats her prisoners," he remarked, "she
doesn't deserve to have any."
James McNeill Whistler's (painter of "Whistler's Mother")
failure in his West Point chemistry examination once provoked him to
remark in later life, "If silicon had been a gas, I should have been a
major general."
(German philosopher) Georg Wilhelm Hegel, on his deathbed,
complained, "Only one man ever understood me." He fell silent for a
while and then added, "And he didn't understand me."
Driving through a Swiss city one day, Alfred Hitchcock suddenly
pointed out of the car window and said, "That is the most frightening
sight I have ever seen." His companion was surprised to see nothing
more alarming than a priest in conversation with a little boy, his hand
on the child's shoulder. "Run, little boy," cried Hitchcock, leaning
out of the car. "Run for your life!"
Grover Cleveland, though constantly at loggerheads with the
Senate, got on better with the House of Representatives. A popular
story circulating during his presidency concerned the night he was
roused by his wife crying, "Wake up! I think there are burglars in the
house."
"No, no, my dear," said the president sleepily, "in the Senate
maybe, but not in the House."
These are five separate fortunes.
Decision: Split into five.
Removed
"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
-- Ronald Reagan
Decision: Removed for being outright disinformation.
Behold the unborn fetus and
Weep salt tears crocodilian;
All life is sacred (save, of course,
An enemy civilian).
On one level, this is jaded as all hell, so it stays in the NSFW zone. On the other, combative in all the wrong ways.
Decision: Nixed.
Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you? _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
pillage!!
sicThis is... a bit too fucked up for a general fortunes program.
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
later you wish you'd never come.
Wildly misogynistic.
Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
... Seats 500.
This isn't funny.
Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
(1) Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
sleep in the wet spot.
(2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
themselves.
(3) You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
your brother!
(4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
(5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
wet.
(6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
boy".
(7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
(8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
(9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
pillow.
(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
left it.
So we follow misogyny with misandry. Sure.
Misandric, and not funny.
Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
Q: You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
and you didn't scream?
A: No ma'am.
Q: Does that mean you consented?
A: No, ma'am. That means I was unconscious.
Seeing bad rape jokes when you log in is too fucked. Also not funny.
Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
Inaccurate, not funny, serves no purpose. He's also dead.
Kill a commie for Christ!
This'd get you a stern talking-to at most jobs.
Not appropriate for baseline fortunes. Add it back in if you like shock humour.
Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
Stay classy, Unix.
As above.
Once a young gay from Khartoum
Took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what, and with which, and to whom.
Where is the joke? You promised there would be joak.
Decision: Removed, but marginal.
Q: If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
be?
A: A fur coat.
As above.
Q: What's Jewish foreplay?
A: Two hours of begging.
Decision: Plain racism. No.
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
grow out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up
liking pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to
do with the other.
-- Jules Feiffer
So now we're both misogynistic and homophobic? No thanks.
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
Back to racism, we see.
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
Association
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
What the FUCK.
Decision: No. Removed. Another instance of just shock humour.
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
Decision: Back to the misandry. Removed.
Virgin, n.:
An ugly third grader.
N-No? How about we don't.
You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
-- Frederick B. Artz
The pun is almost cute, but misogyny isn't.
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
get back inside.
-- Heathcote Williams
30 GOTO 10
You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
there. He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay. You:
(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
name.
(b) Ask what position she played.
(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
Nothing wrong with being a sex worker.
... But among the children of the Great Society there were
those whose skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly,
and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
they called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
people go to the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
-- "The Begatting of a President"
Decision: No. Just... no. Removed.
When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
-- Charles Merrill Smith
Sexism? It's definitely sexism of some sort.
When God created man, She was only testing.
Another one mocking an entire group. Let's not.
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
then she isn't good enough for you.
More sexism. As ever, stay classy.
We have reason to believe that man first
walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
-- Lily Tomlin
More sexism. This'd be fine if it didn't gender, but it's a quote.
War is menstruation envy.
Vaguely misandric. Also kinda ???
Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
women. They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
handbags are full.
-- Earl Wilson
Vaguely sexist in both directions.
My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
Brutal, but racist as all hell.
O'Riordan's Theorem:
Brains x Beauty = Constant.
Purmal's Corollary:
As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
availability goes to zero.
Yet more sexism.
fortunes2-o
Notes
As with the other -o file, this will be retained as an NSFW list, but will be stripped of anything outright repungent.
fortunes2-o has also been scrubbed for any duplicates found (or removed from) in fortunes-o.
List of Fortunes and Decisions
Limericks
As before, these have been moved to limerick.
Moved
Altered
Removed
MOUNTIES:
I'm a lumberjack and I'm OK, He's a lumberjack and he's OK,
I sleep all night and I work all day. He sleeps all night and he works
all day.
I cut down trees, I eat my lunch, He cuts down trees, he eats his lunch,
I go to the lavatory. He goes to the lavatory.
On Wednesday I go shopping, On Wednesday he goes shopping,
And have buttered scones for tea. And has buttered scones for tea.
I cut down trees, I skip and jump, He cuts down trees, he skips and jumps,
I like to press wild flowers, He likes to press wild flowers.
I put on women's clothing, He puts on women's clothing,
And hang around in bars. And hangs around in bars.
I cut down trees, I wear high heels, He cuts down trees, he wears high heels,
Suspenders and a bra. Suspenders? and a bra?
I wish I'd been a girlie, That's rude...
Just like my dear Pappa.
We're torn. This is a classic bit, but it's not aged well. Cleese is also a transphobic chud.
Decision: ... Removed.
The Snack
Oh my God, screamed Mommy, You went and ate the Baby.
What baby? asked Daddy. You know that's just the last of the leftover donkey.
Donkey, my ass! said Mommy with some sentience. Do you think I don't
recognize my own baby? Why I can still see his little privates
caught in the gap between your front teeth. How many times have
I told you to take only what's on the *top* two shelves of the freezer?
But there wasn't a thing to eat, cried Daddy.
And am I not the master of my own?
Nothing to eat?
What about the elephant testicles in aspic that I put up for you
just last week in the ball jar? Our very first baby, too, wailed
Mommy, that I was saving for Christmas dinner.
Testicles, testicles, said Daddy. A man gets tired of testicles.
-- L. L. Zeiger
This is less NSFW and more just awful.
PLAYGIRL, Inc.
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
Dear Sir:
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
us.
Sympathetically,
Amanda L. Smith
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
Demonic burn, but also quite mean-spirited.
A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
Dated on several levels.
A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
No. Keep this if you like this kinda humour but this is a bit too cooked for most distributions in our opinion.
A man walks into a bar and orders 3 shots and 3 beers. The
bartender, seeing that the man is distraught, asks what the problem is.
"I just found out that my brother is gay", he replies.
About a week later, the same man walks in and orders 6 shots and
6 chasers. So the bartender inquires, "What's wrong this time?"
To which the man says, "I just found out that two of my brothers
are lovers."
Another week goes by and the man comes back to the bar and orders
NINE shots and NINE beers. The bartenders says "Damn, boy, doesn't anyone
in your family like pussy?"
"Yeah. Me and my sister."
Plain and outright homophobia.
A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
men?"
"Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
hung than *anybody*."
"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
"No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
"Running Bear Sheldon."
Double racism! Fun!
A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?"
No. No justification needed. Just. No.
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
This is in bad taste, and shouldn't be in a general distro.
A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
Bestiality is not a good fit.
A sociologist, a psychologist, and a engineer were discussing the
consequences and implications of a married man's having a mistress. The
sociologist's opinion was that it is absolutely and categorically unforgivable
for a married man to forfeit the bond of matrimony, and engage in such lowly
and lustful pursuits.
The psychologist's opinion was that although morally reprehensible,
if a man MUST have a mistress to achieve his full potential as a human being,
then -- well -- he may go ahead and choose to have a mistress, as long as he
is considerate enough to keep this secret from his wife.
The engineer then interjected: "I also believe that, if necessary,
a married man is entitled to a mistress. However, I do not see why the
affair should be concealed from the wife. On the contrary, if the affair
is out in the open, then on Friday evenings he may tell his wife that he
is going to see his mistress, tell his mistress that he is going to be with
his wife, then go to his office and get some work done!"
Not horrendously inappropriate, but aged out.
A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
Dated language, and racism.
A ten-year-old kid came home from school one day, and when his mom
asked how was school he says: "Gee, great, mom. I got laid!"
She's shocked and sends him upstairs, where his dad finds him after
work. "Mommy told me about your day at school, Billy, and I think we men
should keep it a secret. Women just don't understand these things."
So every night Dad goes up to Billy's room after Mom tucks him in:
"You get laid today, Billy?"
"Yeah, Dad."
"How was it?"
"Real neat, Dad, I liked it a lot."
"Good Boy!".
A month later: "You get laid today?"
"No, Dad."
"No? How come?"
"Gee, Dad, my ass is getting really sore."
If I have to tell you why this is too messy for default fortunes, have a solid think about your life.
An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by. "Your names, please?"
said the soldier.
"My name is Mary," said the woman.
"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
"To Bethlehem."
"Your reason for going there?"
"To pay our taxes to the government."
"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
More casual racism!
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver,
"I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said,
"Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
Random misogyny, let's not.
Are you a Young Urban Professional Woman? If so, you know how
Yuppie women are; cold, ruthless bitches with no time for love, and only
an occasional weekend for sex. Your one "hot date" with Joe Fastrack,
rising corporate star, ended in disaster. Yesterday you heard him telling
a friend over lunch, "The woman must masturbate with popsicles!" Well,
all is not lost! SofSqueeze can change your nickname to Electrolux in just
15 minutes a day!
SofSqueeze is a pressure sensitive device (divided into appropriate
sections) that plugs into the serial port of most home computers. Through
the magic of biofeedback, SofSqueeze teaches you control over your vaginal
muscles. With our exciting, easy-to-follow software you'll master the
"Cincinnati Squeeze", the "Irresistible", the "California Crusher", and,
of course, the perennial favorite, "Milking Time Down on the Farm". Or,
using our exclusive Interactive Mode, invent your own!
SofSqueeze is made of sturdy ABS plastic, and is completely
immersible for easy cleaning. SofSqueeze's flesh-toned exterior is finely
textured for a realistic effect. Requires 4K RAM, a DB25 serial port and
limited graphics capability. Comes fully assembled, with 4 AA batteries.
More misogyny. The ad copy format is amusing, but it doesn't save it.
Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
And now we add rape jokes to the mix.
Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall,
me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
too fast."
Yet more bestiality, and some casual racism!
But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
skins were black. And lo! Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
calf they were sucking hind teat...
Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
called him King. And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
the front of the bus."
But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass. When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
-- "The Begatting of a President"
No.
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with
your penis?"
"Uh, not right now."
"Tsk, tsk. A girl has to have *some* standards."
-- Real Genius
Where is joke. You promised there would be joke.
Decision: 404 funny not found.
Dallas Cowboys Official Schedule
Sept 14 Pasadena Junior High
Sept 21 Boy Scout Troop 049
Sept 28 Blind Academy
Sept 30 World War I Veterans
Oct 5 Brownie Scout Troop 041
Oct 12 Sugarcreek High Cheerleaders
Oct 26 St. Thomas Boys Choir
Nov 2 Texas City Vet Clinic
Nov 9 Korean War Amputees
Nov 15 VA Hospital Polio Patients
Umm, let's not.
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
"But this is different," protested her husband.
"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
Now tell me what our problem is."
"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
bastard child."
Decision: 404 humour not found.
During a grouse hunt in North Carolina two intrepid sportsmen were
blasting away at a clump of trees near a stone wall. Suddenly a red-face
country squire popped his head over the wall and shouted, "Hey, you almost
hit my wife."
"Did I?" cried one hunter, aghast. "Terribly sorry. Have a shot
at mine, over there."
Haha unhappy marriage ha.
During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
Wife bad, please laugh.
(Selene) To be clear, she's being sarcastic.
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
Brick joke, but a very dodgy one.
Elroy stared at Barb and then leaned quietly over to Shake Tiller
and stuck out his hand. "Son," he said. "Tell the truth. It ain't better
than fried chicken, is it?"
Shake looked solemnly at Elroy, clasping his hand, and said:
"I got to be dead honest, Roy."
And Elroy said yeah, lay it on him.
Shake said slowly, "For a Lesbian who gave up the only real love she
ever knew -- Sister Francis at Our Lady of Victory -- and for a person who
can't make it any more with nothing but an electric toothbrush, she's the
finest I've ever had."
-- Dan Jenkins, "Semi-Tough"
What.
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
town."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
"Oh, no, you're not."
"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
Where is joak.
Decision: 404 funny not found.
Friends were surprised, indeed, when Frank and Jennifer broke their
engagement, but Frank had a ready explanation: "Would you marry someone who
was habitually unfaithful, who lied at every turn, who was selfish and lazy
and sarcastic?"
"Of course not," said a sympathetic friend.
"Well," retorted Frank, "neither would Jennifer."
Haha man bad.
"Gentlemen of the jury," said the defense attorney, now beginning
to warm to his summation, "the real question here before you is, shall this
beautiful young woman be forced to languish away her loveliest years in a
dark prison cell? Or shall she be set free to return to her cozy little
apartment at 4134 Mountain Ave. -- there to spend her lonely, loveless hours
in her boudoir, lying beside her little Princess phone, 962-7873?"
And now we add stalking to the list. Let's go.
"Heard you were moving your piano, so I came over to help."
"Thanks. Got it upstairs already."
"Do it alone?"
"Nope. Hitched the cat to it."
"How would that help?"
"Used a whip."
Animal abuse isn't that funny, and this isn't a good punchline.
"Hello, Police Department."
"This is Thomas Parrish, 903 Sylvester Court. I've just been sexually
molested by a pervert, right here in my own home. It was horrifying!"
"Just remain calm, sir, and tell me about it."
"Well, the man came in the window wearing a ski mask. I was napping
on the bed, in just my pajamas, and the TV set was on so I didn't hear anything.
Suddenly he had his great big old callused hand over my mouth, holding me down.
I tried to scream... he was pulling my pants off. I was so frightened! He
held a knife to my throat and undressed so quickly. What could I do? I
couldn't stop him. He was huge. A great, hairy, beefy man, more than fifty
pounds heavier than I am, and hung like... Oh! it was terrible. He had an
erection, and he knelt on my shoulders and forced the awful thing down my
throat; forced me to suck it. Yes, officer! There was no escaping this man.
Finally, when I thought I would faint, he got off me and turned me over on
my tummy, forcing my legs apart with his knees, and oh! I'm so embarrassed to
say it, he put that huge thing... It must have been a foot long, and I don't
know how thick... into my... Just a minute."
"What's the matter, mister?"
"Listen, I have to hang up now, he's getting out of the shower."
Noooooope.
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
bricks."
Yet more animal abuse.
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
"Oh, how can you tell?"
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't
hear the stereo."
Nowhere near the worst thing here, but if we're cleaning up the list, making fun of fat people is going too.
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to stop me.
I'm on my way."
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
More wife bad.
It seems there were two young Marines walking down the street, and
they chanced upon a lady who was both very proper and very well endowed.
One of them said, "Wow! What tits! Hey lady, would I love to snuggle up with
them for awhile. What are you doing this afternoon?"
Well, the other Marine thought that was just about the most shameful
thing he had ever witnessed, and felt that he had to restore the honor of the
Corps. "Pardon my friend, Ma'am," he apologized, "He's not been very well
brought up and don't know how to talk to cunt."
Sexism ahoy.
It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis. "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
"Do tell?" said the American. "Well, that's amazing. In this
country there's only one."
"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly. "And what eez
that?"
"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman. "Numbair 80!"
The French are all gay? Classic.
"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and
Jewish men?"
"You really want to know?"
"Yeah."
"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob? And
Catholic girls fuck like bunnies."
I uh. what.
Many lower life forms demonstrate qualities that, at first, just don't
seem survival oriented. For instance, the female praying mantis, after mating
with, well, her mate, will devour him. For the male praying mantis, however,
it's a catch-22. If he mates, he gets screwed out of an opportunity to mate
again. If he doesn't mate, he doesn't reproduce, ending his family tree. This
suicidal behavior is commonly called the Preying Mantis Syndrome -- and many
life forms are periodically subject to its wrath. How did the preying mantis
become stuck in such a awful, vicious cycle? This is probably what happened:
The male mantis arrives at the residence of the female mantis. After
some courtship exercises (dinner, a movie, inserting the diaphragm) they mate.
The female mantis, her lust for... lust being satisfied, relaxes while the
male raids the refrigerator and returns home. This behavior continues until
the male and female (mantissas?) establish a permanent relationship. Then the
male establishes a new pattern of behavior: Football on Mondays, baseball on
Tuesdays, happy hour on Wednesdays, uh, well, uh, working-late-at-the-office
on Thursdays, etc. etc. The female tolerates this for awhile, then files for
a divorce. After a long court battle, she concludes one thing: It simplifies
matters tremendously to just eat him when you're done with him.
Well, through the centuries of evolution, the Preying Mantis Syndrome
has been carried up to the highest life forms, as well as to humans. That is
why, one week out of every month, the female of the species will feel compelled
to bite the head off of the male. The Syndrome is inescapable, but when it
occurs in the female of our species, it's best to just avoid them for a while.
Well, at least this one is sexist to everyone.
Never take a resume seriously. Resumes only make money for the
people who write the resumes. No resume ever tells an employer how many
times a job applicant has had the clap.
Why, indeed, would anyone hire a person based on a resume written
by a professional liar?
If the applicant is a man, the employer must ask only one question:
did the applicant go to TCU?
If the applicant is a woman, the employer may simply ask: does she
have a tongue that can lick the paint off a dormitory wall?
-- Dan Jenkins, "Baja Oklahoma"
With context? This is still sketchy as fuck. Sans context? It's gross as all hell.
On the occasion of Nero's 25th birthday, he arrived at the Colosseum
to find that the Praetorian Guard had prepared a treat for him in the arena.
There stood 25 naked virgins, like candles on a cake, tied to poles, burning
alive. "Wonderful!" exclaimed the deranged emperor, "but one of them isn't
dead yet. I can see her lips moving. Go quickly and find out what she is
saying."
The centurion saluted, and hurried out to the virgin, getting as near
the flames as he dared, and listened intently. Then he turned and ran back
to the imperial box. "She is not talking," he reported to Nero, "she is
singing."
"Singing?" said the astounded emperor. "Singing what?"
"Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."
Just a hair too gruesome for a general purpose fortunes program.
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffee pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
The children? While the 1-2-3 setup is good, the punchline is "dick big", so dropping it.
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal commitment.
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
in the others.
While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
Thoroughly mid on this one. It makes some dated presumptions but it's not egregious.
One of my favorite zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
visiting the zoo, decided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
never writes..."
This one is another case of too much for fortune.
Out on the great American desert one day, a bald eagle reached a
state of great libidal distress. Pickings were slim, but in time, he saw a
dove flying by. "Better than nothin'", he muttered (birds in jokes can mutter)
and swooped down, grabbed the dove and flew to his nest. Feathers flew, and
eventually the dove tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted (yes, they
shout, too):
"I'm a dove! I've been loved! And I LIKE it!"
Well, this took care of the old boy for a while but soon enough he
was at it again. All he could find was a lark, so away he went, and feathers
flew and soon the lark tottered to the edge of the cliff and shouted:
"I'm a lark! I've been sparked! And I LIKE it!"
As you can guess, some time later our friend was again in need of
amor... lib... you know! This time, all that happened by was... a duck!
So down he swooped, and feathers flew, and the next thing seen is the duck
tottering to the cliffside and shouting:
"I'M A DRAKE! THERE'S BEEN A MISTAKE! AND I DON'T LIKE IT!!!
Will the "haha rape is funny" fortunes ever stop? Place your bets now.
Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
Santa," she begs.
He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
you know."
She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
... No. If you need a reason, how about "nubile sixteen-year-old" and "Santa Claus is an elderly dude".
Shortly after Churchill had grown a moustache, he was accosted by a
certain young lady whose political views were in direct opposition to his
own. Fancying herself something of a wag, she exclaimed, "Mr. Churchill, I
care for neither your politics nor your moustache." Unabashed, the young
statesman regarded her quietly for a moment, the wryly commented, "Suck my
dick."
While serving as a subaltern in the Boer War, the young Churchill was
asked by a superior officer to give his opinion of the Boers as soldiers.
"They're assholes, sir," he ventured, then paused briefly and added, with a
whimsical smile, "They're assholes."
Churchill was given to reading in the bathtub and, while staying at
the White House, he once became so engrossed in an account of the Battle of
Fonteney that he forgot President Roosevelt was due to drop by to discuss the
upcoming conference in Yalta. At the appointed hour, the President was
wheeled into Churchill's quarters only to be informed that the Prime Minister
had not finished bathing. Roosevelt was about to apologize for the intrusion
and depart when Churchill, puffing his customary cigar, strode into the room
stark naked and greeted the nonplussed world leader with a terse, "What are
you staring at, homo?"
-- "The Churchill Wit", National Lampoon
The casual misogyny and homophobia, while accurate to the quoted individual, don't belong in a general-purpose fortunes program.
The devout Jew was beside himself because his son had been dating
a shiksa, so he went to visit his rabbi. The rabbi listened solemnly to
his problem, took his hand, and said, "Pray to God."
So the Jew went to the synagogue, bowed his head, and prayed, "God,
please help me. My son, my favorite son, he's going to marry a shiksa, he
sees nothing but goyim..."
"Your son," boomed down this voice from the heavens, "you think
you got problems. What about my son?"
Let's not "the" people, yeah?
The honeymooning couple agreed it was a fine day for horseback riding.
After a mile or so, the bride's mount cantered under a low tree and a
branch scraped her forehead lightly. The groom dismounted, glared at his
wife's horse, and said, "That's number one."
The ride then proceeded. After another mile or so, the bride's
horse stumbled over a pebble and the lady suffered a slight jostling.
Again, her man leapt from his saddle and strode over to the nervous animal.
"That's two," he said.
Five miles later, the bride's horse became frightened when a rabbit
crossed its path, reared up and threw the girl. Immediately, the groom was
off his horse. "That's three!", he shouted, and, pulling out a pistol, he
shot the horse between the eyes.
"You brute!" shrieked his bride. "Now I see the kind of man I
married! You're a sadist, that's what!"
The groom turned to her coolly. "That's one," he said.
No.
The man standing at the bar (in court, unfortunately) was well-
dressed, alert and obviously intelligent. The judge asked him how he
pleaded to the charge of rape and, much to the magistrate's surprise, he
replied, "Not guilty by reason of insanity, your Honor."
"Insanity?" exclaimed the judge.
"Yes, sir," said the defendant. "I'm just crazy about it."
The answer was no, the rape jokes do not, in fact, stop.
THE TEN STAGES OF INTOXICATION
1. WITTY AND CHARMING: This is after one or two drinks. The tongue is
loosened and can yet remain in step with the brain. In the "witty
and charming" state, one is likely to use foreign idioms and and
phrases such as "au contraire" in place of "No way, Jose" or
"Bullsheyet".
2. RICH AND POWERFUL: By the third drink, you begin mentioning the little
380 SL you've had your eye on down at the Mercedes place.
3. BENEVOLENT: You'll buy her a Mercedes, too. It's only money.
4. JUST ONE MORE AND THEN WE'LL EAT: Stall tactic.
5. TO HELL WITH DINNER: Just one more and then we'll eat.
6. PATRIOTIC: The war stories begin.
7. CRANK UP THE "ENOLA GAY": "We could have won in Nam, but..."
8. INVISIBLE: So this is what the Ladies' Room looks like.
9. WITTY AND CHARMING PART II: You know, you don't sweat much for a fat girl.
10. BULLETPROOF: Bull-sheyet, gimme them keys, I can drive.
-- Lewis Grizzard, "My Daddy Was a Pistol and I'm a Son
of a Gun".
The misogyny continues!
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
from sex for thirty days.
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
the first couple if they passed the test.
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
to her right there."
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
the Church after something like that."
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
into Safeway anymore either."
... groans
These two project managers were walking through a residential area
one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
-- I wish I could do that!"
Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
The classic misunderstanding the prompt punchline, but bestiality is a line too far for most distributions. Add it back in if you care.
"They spend years searching for their natural parents, convinced their
parents will be happy to see them. I mean, really, can you imagine someone
being happy to see an orphan? Nobody wants them... that's why they're orphans!"
The speaker is Anne Baker, founder and guiding force behind
Orphan-Off, an organization dedicated to keeping orphans confused about the
whereabouts of their natural parents. She is a woman with a mission:
"Basically, what we do is band together to exchange information
about which orphans are looking for which parents in what part of the
country. We're completely computerized.
"The idea is to throw the orphans as many red herrings and false
leads as possible. We'll tell some twenty-three-year-old loser that his
real parents can be found at a certain address on the other side of the
country. Well, by the time the kid shows up, the family is prepared. They
look over the kid's photos and information and they say, `Oh, the Emersons...
yeah, they used to live here... I think they moved out about five years ago.
I think they went to Iowa, or maybe Idaho.'
"Bam, the door shuts in the kid's face and he's back to zero again.
He's got nothing to go on but the orphan's pathetic determination to continue.
"It's really amazing how much these kids will put up with. Last year
we even sent one kid all the way to Australia. I mean, really. Besides, if
your natural parents were Australian, would you want to meet them?"
-- "National Lampoon", September, 1984
Yes, this is the Lampoon, but even so, this is dated and a bit racist towards the end.
This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
come on over to the clinic."
"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
on a top hat, and come on over."
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
Gross.
This guy is taking a leak in a public men's room when a man enters
with his arms held out from his sides, bent at the elbows with his hands
dangling awkwardly, and comes over to him.
"Would you do me a favor and unzip my fly?" he asks.
Figuring the man to be a poor cripple, perhaps an accident victim,
the guy obliges, not without a flush of embarrassment when the man next
requests that he take out his prick and hold it in the appropriate position.
"Shake it off" is the next instruction, then "zip me up," and the
guy follows orders, wincing at his own embarrassment and at the shame of
being so helpless.
"Say, thanks," says the man, flouncing to the door. "I can't do a
*thing* 'til my nails dry!"
This isn't explicit homophobia, but it's implied that this is the punchline?
This guy is walking down the beach one fine sunny day, feeling
good, when suddenly he sees this woman with no arms or legs in a wheelchair,
sobbing like crazy. He decides to be gallant, "What's wrong, miss?"
"I...<sob, sniffle>...I'm 21 and I <choke> I've never been kissed...
<sniffle>"
So this guy, he decides, what the hell, let's cheer up the poor lady.
He leans over and gives her a long wonderful kiss. This does wonders, and
the woman's face lights up and she grins from ear to ear, and the guy wanders
away feeling wonderful.
Well, next week, the same guy is walking along the same beach, and
sees the same girl who is once again sobbing her eyes out. Gallant to the
end, our hero says, "What's wrong, miss, can I help?"
"I...I'm <sob, sniffle, sniffle> 21 and I've never been fucked..."
The guy picks her up out of her chair, cuddles her close, and brings
her over to the shore, and throws her into the water. "Now you're fucked!"
Another "misunderstanding the prompt", but this one is actively ableist, so let's not.
Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
selling ties without a license. "What do you do for a living?" the judge
asked, pointing at the first girl.
"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
"Thirty days," was the sentence. The judge turned to the second
girl. "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
"Your honor, I'm an actress."
"Thirty days." Then he turned to the third girl. "And how about
you?" he demanded.
"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud of it, but it's
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
laid off."
"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out." Now he turns to Feldstein,
arrested for selling ties illegally. "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
"Your honor, I'm a prostitute. I'm not proud..."
Is it a sexism? Is it an antisemitism? Who knows! (It's both!)
Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
two guys she's cut off altogether."
More sexism.
Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other
and says, "There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen
roses, damn it. That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for
three days."
Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
Lol. Lmao. Women hate sex, amirite fellow males? /s
Pass.
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing.
It may, but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of
Rumania.
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
Equally "all dudes suck, amirite fellow ladies?" ain't it.
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then. We're trying to catch her."
"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
Hard no.
While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
"Hmmm," mused the captain. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, Miss, I feel it is only fair
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
Gross.
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
up in the bar last night?"
"Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
"Did I bring you home?"
"Uh-huh."
"Did we, uh, fool around?"
"Uh-huh."
"Lord, I must have been tight!"
"Not any more."
Ehhhhh, let's not. Put it back in if you care.
... which the Minstrel was supposed by some authorities to have composed
beneath the gibbet at Elsdon on the occasion of his hanging, drawing and
quartering for misguidedly climbing into bed with Sir Oswald Capheughton's
wife, Lady Fleur, when that noble lord was not only in it, but in her at
the same time. Minstrel Flawse's introduction of himself into Sir Oswald
had met with that reaction known as dog-knotting on the part of all
concerned...
I gan noo wha ma organs gan
When oft I lay abed I should ha' known 'twas never Fleur
So rither hang me upside doon That smelt so mooch of sweat
Than by ma empty head. For she was iver sweet and pure
And iver her purse was wet.
But old Sir Oswald allus stank
Of horse and hound and dung So hang me noo fra' Elsdon tree
And when I chose to breech his rank And draw ma innards out
Was barrel to my bung. That all the wald around may see
What I have done without.
But ere ye come to draw ma heart
Na do it all so quick So prick 'em wet or prick 'em dry
But prise the arse of Oswald 'part 'Tis all the same to me
And bring me back ma prick. I canna wait for him to die
Afore I have a pee.
-- Tom Sharpe, "The Ballad of Prick 'Em Dry"
Kinda a rape joke, but also way too crass for general purpose.
0 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
2. A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
3. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
4. A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
5. A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
6. A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
7. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
8. A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
9. A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
10. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
2. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
quarterback.
3. A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
4. You don't have to let a beer win.
5. Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
sleep with it, too.
6. A beer helps with the housework.
7. A beer will never fumble with your bra.
8. A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
9. A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
10. A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
2. A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
3. If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
4. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
5. A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
6. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
7. A beer won't switch the TV channel.
8. A beer doesn't snore.
9. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
10. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1. Beer understands the difference between shooting down an unidentified
aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner out of the sky.
2. A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
3. A beer never fishes for compliments.
4. Beer tastes good.
5. A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes' Greatest
Hits" as much as you do.
6. An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
7. A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
8. Beer never asks you to change the station.
9. A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's twenty
cents less expensive.
10. A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
like grass.
%
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1. You can enjoy a beer all month.
2. Beer stains wash out.
3. Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
4. Beer never makes you wait.
5. A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
6. Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
7. A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
8. Beer doesn't demand equality.
9. Beer labels come off without a fight.
10. Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
%
15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
1. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
2. Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
3. A beer won't steal all the covers.
4. A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
5. A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
6. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
7. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
8. A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
9. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
10. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
11. If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
12. A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
13. A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
14. A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
15. A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
%
20 REASONS WHY A BEER IS BETTER THAN A MAN
1. A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
2. A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
3. A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
4. You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
5. A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
6. A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
7. A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
8. A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
9. A beer won't steal the covers.
10. A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
11. A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
12. A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
13. A beer tastes good.
14. A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
15. A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers' quarterback.
16. You don't have to let a beer win.
17. A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
18. A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
19. A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
20. You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
%
8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
1. You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
2. A beer doesn't care when you come.
3. Beer doesn't have a mother.
4. Beer doesn't need much closet space.
5. A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
"just for the articles".
6. Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
7. Beer doesn't always want to go to the "powder room" with everyone
else's beer.
8. When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer doesn't
make you ill.
All of these are just wildly presumptive and sexist.
A '49er walked into the saloon at Bloody Gulch. He'd been prospecting for
more than a year.
"Hey! Y'got any wimmen around here?"
"Nope," the bartender replied, "But there's George in the back room."
"I don't go for that kind of thing," the prospector scowled. He
downed his drink and left disgustedly.
A few months passed before the miner found his way down the mountain again.
He stumbled into the tavern and asked the bartender, "Any wimmen pass through
this part of town?"
"Nope. Nary a one. But we still got George in the back room."
Angry, the miner shouted, "I told you I don't go for that kind of
thing," and turned on his heel and left.
Within a year he came back from his mine again. With a wild look on
his face he re-entered the saloon. Leaning over the bar he whispered to the
bartender, "If I was to go into the back room with George, how many people
'round here would know?"
"Oh," the bartender said, scratching his chin, "'bout seven, I guess."
"Seven!?"
"Yep. You, me, George, and the four men holdin' him down. You see,
George don't go for that kind of thing neither."
It's funny when you make rape jokes about men! Not. Gross.
A bad little girl in Madrid,
A most reprehensible kid,
Told her Tante Louise
That her cunt smelled like cheese,
And the worst of it was that it did!
Considered moving this to limerick, but leaning on the side of cut.
A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
I am not I, I'm a tree."
But another, more sane,
Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
And covered his pants leg with pee.
This one is a more personal cut, but making fun of mental illness ain't exactly kosher.
A beautiful man is paradise for the eyes, hell for the soul, and
purgatory for the purse.
More casual sexism, why not?
A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
abnormalities."
"Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
cancer."
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
now?"
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
Ew. No.
A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
Gross. No.
A Catholic and a Methodist were carpooling to work one morning, when a brick
fell out of the sky, which startled the driver and caused him to swerve off
the road and into a telephone pole, totaling the car.
The two stumbled out of the wreckage, both feeling quite fortunate
to be alive. The Catholic crossed himself. Then the Protestant crossed
himself in an accentuated manner.
"Hey," said the Catholic, "I why did you cross yourself, you're not
Catholic!"
"Just checking," replied his friend, crossing himself again,
"spectacles, testicles, wallet, pen."
We can leave this one at home. Typos for one, but also just... where is joak.
A habit depraved and unsavory
Held the bishop of Bingham in slavery
Midst screeches and howls
He deflowered young owls
Which he kept in an underground aviary
%
A habit obscene and bizarre,
Has taken a-hold of papa.
He brings home young camels
And other odd mammals,
And gives them a go at mama.
%
A habit obscene and unsavory,
Holds a CS professor in slavery.
With maniacal howls,
He deflowers young owls,
That he keeps in an underground aviary.
%
A hacker who screwed a mag tape
Was caught and convicted of rape.
To jail he did go,
From which, to his woe
He couldn't get out with ESC.
%
A hacker-turned-pervert named Fisk
Made love to the drive of his disk.
The thing circumcised him,
Which rather surprised him.
He wasn't aware of *that* risk.
This whole set of four can just... fuck off.
A woman must be a cute, cuddly, naive
little thing -- tender, sweet, and stupid.
-- Adolf Hitler
If you need to ask, go away and think about your life. I know a broken clock can be right. This ain't it, chief.
A woman is like your shadow; follow her,
she flies; fly from her, she follows.
-- Chamfort
%
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation.
It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
-- Karl Kraus, "Die Fackel"
%
A woman of generous character will sacrifice her life a thousand times
over for her lover, but will break with him for ever over a question of
pride -- for the opening or the shutting of a door.
-- Stendhal
%
A woman takes off her claim to respect along with her garments.
-- Herodotus
%
A woman who is guided by the head and not by the heart is a social
pestilence: she has all the defects of the passionate and affectionate
woman, with none of her compensations; she is without pity, without
love, without virtue, without sex.
-- Balzac
%
A woman who is unfaithful deserves to be shot.
-- Pancho Villa
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
-- Gloria Steinem
%
A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle.
Therefore, a man without a woman is like a bicycle without a fish.
%
A woman's a woman until the day she dies, but a man's only a man as long
as he can.
-- Moms Mabley
The answer to sexism isn't more sexism, let's cut these.
A couple more shots of whiskey, women 'round here start looking good.
[something about a 10 being a 4 after a six-pack? Ed.]
Does the sexism ever stop? (no)
-
(Selene) I wish I could, but there's multiple thousand fortunes in here. I have my work cut out for me as it is. ↩︎