wip: yet more

datfiles/fortunes

@@ -1,3 +1,15 @@
+No woman can call herself free until she can choose consciously whether
+she will or will not be a mother.
+		-- Margaret H. Sanger
+%
+There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
+have been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
+America, with all of the military strength of America, those
+revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
+organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
+oppressive.  They are revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
+		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
+%
 !07/11 PDP a ni deppart m'I  !pleH
 %
 (1) Alexander the Great was a great general.

datfiles/fortunes-o

@@ -2,18 +2,6 @@
 	69 with two fingers up your ass.
 		-- George Carlin
 %
-A bather whose clothing was strewed
-By breezes that left her quite nude,
-	Saw a man come along
-	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
-You expected this line to be lewd.
-%
-A beat schizophrenic said, "Me?
-I am not I, I'm a tree."
-	But another, more sane,
-	Shouted, "I'm a Great Dane!"
-And covered his pants leg with pee.
-%
 A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
 to the top.
 %
@@ -76,40 +64,10 @@ having fun.
 A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
 up with yesterday.
 %
-A remarkable race are the Persians;
-They have such peculiar diversions.
-	They make love the whole day
-	In the usual way
-And save up the nights for perversions.
-%
-A team playing baseball in Dallas
-Called the umpire blind out of malice.
-	While this worthy had fits
-	The team made eight hits
-And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
-%
-A wanton young lady from Wimley
-Reproached for not acting quite primly
-	Said, "Heavens above!
-	I know sex isn't love,
-But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
-%
-A widow who fancied a man some
-Was diddled three times in a hansome.
-	When she clamored for more
-	Her young man became sore
-And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
-%
 "A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her
 drawers."
 		-- Blind Lemon Pledge
 %
-A worried young man from Stamboul
-Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
-	Said the doctor, a cynic,
-	"Get out of my clinic;
-Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
-%
 A.I. hackers do it with robots.
 %
 Absinthe makes the tart grow fonder.
@@ -154,12 +112,6 @@ America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
 wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
 		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
 %
-An architect fellow named Yoric
-Could, when feeling euphoric,
-	Display for selection
-	Three kinds of erection --
-Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
-%
 An Army travels on her stomach.
 %
 An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: it gets laid once; it gets
@@ -193,11 +145,6 @@ Panic, n.:
 "Einstein's mother must have been one heck of a physicist."
 		-- Joseph C. Wang
 %
-"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons
-released by vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and
-enforcing tough emissions standards from man-made sources."
-		-- Ronald Reagan
-%
 Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
 popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day: a true red-
 blooded born-and-raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
@@ -229,11 +176,6 @@ Don't solicit for your sister, that's not nice,
 Unless you get a good percentage of her price ...
 		-- Tom Lehrer
 %
-Behold the unborn fetus and
-	Weep salt tears crocodilian;
-All life is sacred (save, of course,
-	An enemy civilian).
-%
 Being stoned on marijuana isn't very different from being stoned on
 gin.
 		-- Ralph Nader
@@ -349,9 +291,6 @@ Cocaine is nature's way of telling you you have too much money.
 %
 Coito ergo sum
 %
-College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months
-later you wish you'd never come.
-%
 Communists do it without class.
 %
 Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
@@ -364,9 +303,6 @@ Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
 %
 Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
 %
-Dammit, how many times do I have to tell you?  _____FIRST you rape, ____THEN you
-pillage!!
-%
 Dear Lord, observe this bended knee
 This visage meek and humble,
 And hear this confidential plea
@@ -390,10 +326,6 @@ Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for
 the people.
 		-- Oscar Wilde
 %
-Did you hear about the new German microwave oven?
-
-		... Seats 500.
-%
 Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
 %
 Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
@@ -441,27 +373,6 @@ Eisenhower was very nice,
 Nixon was his only vice.
 		-- C. Degen
 %
-Eleven reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
-	(1)  Cucumbers can stay up all night, and you won't have to
-	     sleep in the wet spot.
-	(2)  Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find
-	     themselves.
-	(3)  You won't find out later that your cucumber (a) is
-	     married, (b) is on penicillin, (c) likes you -- but loves
-	     your brother!
-	(4)  A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
-	(5)  A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are
-	     wet.
-	(6)  Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a
-	     boy".
-	(7)  Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
-	(8)  A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
-	(9)  Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the
-	     pillow.
-	(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
-	(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you
-	     left it.
-%
 Equality is not when a female Einstein gets promoted to assistant
 professor; equality is when a female schlemiel moves ahead as fast as a
 male schlemiel.
@@ -473,11 +384,6 @@ Evangelists do it with Him watching.
 just a bit unchivalrous ..."
 		-- Robert Benchley
 %
-Feminists say 60 percent of the country's wealth is in the hands of
-women.  They're letting men hold the other 40 percent because their
-handbags are full.
-		-- Earl Wilson
-%
 Fie for shame, you lascivious, lewd, lecherous, libidinous, lustful,
 licentious, dirty bum!!
 %
@@ -495,14 +401,6 @@ offered by Caspar Weinberger:
 Fornication, n.:
 	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
 %
-Fortune's Real-Life Courtroom Quote #25:
-
-Q:  You say you had three men punching at you, kicking you, raping you,
-    and you didn't scream?
-A:  No ma'am.
-Q:  Does that mean you consented?
-A:  No, ma'am.  That means I was unconscious.
-%
 George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but
 he also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't
 punish him?  Because George still had the axe in his hand.
@@ -525,7 +423,7 @@ innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years.  Maybe they
 were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one."
 		-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
 %
-God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can chose our friends.
+God gives us relatives; thank goodness we can choose our friends.
 %
 God is an atheist.
 %
@@ -608,12 +506,6 @@ finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
 %
 "He could be a poster child for retroactive birth control."
 %
-He hated to mend, so young Ned
-Called in a cute neighbor instead.
-	Her husband said, "Vi,
-	When you stitched up his torn fly,
-Did you have to bite off the thread?"
-%
 He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
 _H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
 qualified for!
@@ -682,8 +574,6 @@ lucky to escape with our skins!"
 Howard Cosell's biggest protrusion is his asshole.
 		-- John Valby
 %
-Hugh Hefner is a virgin.
-%
 I am an atheist, thank God!
 %
 I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it
@@ -704,12 +594,6 @@ I hope he fries in Hell.
 %
 I love this fucking University, and this University loves fucking me.
 %
-I once met a lassie named Ruth
-In a long distance telephone booth.
-	Now I know the perfection
-	Of an ideal connection
-Even if somewhat uncouth.
-%
 "I own my own body, but I share."
 %
 I realize that today you have a number of top female athletes such as
@@ -871,12 +755,6 @@ growth of the Laboratories."
 	And the Captain looked down upon the Project, and He saw that
 it was Good!
 %
-In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
-Massaging the bust of his madam,
-	He chuckled with mirth,
-	For he knew that on earth,
-There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
-%
 Incest, n.:
 	Sibling revelry.
 %
@@ -914,8 +792,6 @@ groats"?  *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't
 help *___you* much.
 		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
 %
-Kill a commie for Christ!
-%
 Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
 all will end as doves.
 %
@@ -984,10 +860,6 @@ with his head stuck up his ass.
 saying except in a desperate case.  It is like saying, "My mother,
 drunk or sober."
 		-- G. K. Chesterton
-%
-My father was a creole, his father a Negro, and his father a monkey; my
-family, it seems, begins where yours left off.
-		-- Alexandre Dumas, pere
 %
 		My Favorite Drugs [Sung to My Favorite Things]
 Reefers and roach clips and papers and rollers
@@ -1028,15 +900,6 @@ Nothing is better than Sex.
 Masturbation is better than nothing.
 Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
 %
-Nuke the gay, unborn, baby whales for Jesus.
-%
-O'Riordan's Theorem:
-	Brains x Beauty = Constant.
-
-Purmal's Corollary:
-	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
-availability goes to zero.
-%
 Obscenity is the crutch of inarticulate motherfuckers.
 %
 Occident, n.:
@@ -1051,12 +914,6 @@ Ocean, n.:
 	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
 man -- who has no gills.
 %
-Once a young gay from Khartoum
-Took a lesbian up to his room.
-	They argued all night
-	Over who had the right
-To do what, and with which, and to whom.
-%
 Once upon a time, there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to
 fly south for the winter.  However, soon after the weather turned cold,
 the sparrow changed his mind and reluctantly started to fly south.
@@ -1179,10 +1036,6 @@ A:  None.  The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
 Q:  How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
 A:  As much as he wants.
 %
-Q:  If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah
-    be?
-A:  A fur coat.
-%
 Q:  What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
 A:  Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
 %
@@ -1195,9 +1048,6 @@ A:  It's what SMURFS do before they SMUCK, of course!
 Q:  What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
 A:  A cheese grater.
 %
-Q:  What's Jewish foreplay?
-A:  Two hours of begging.
-%
 Q:  Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
 A:  Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
 %
@@ -1224,14 +1074,6 @@ for farting at a friend.
 %
 Reagan can't _a_c_t, either.
 %
-Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls?  Only
-sissies liked girls?  What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
-changed.  You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't
-grow out of it.  We just grow horny.  That's the problem.  We mix up
-liking pussy for liking girls.  Believe me, one couldn't have less to
-do with the other.
-		-- Jules Feiffer
-%
 Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
 country.  The remainder is thrown out.
 %
@@ -1259,18 +1101,6 @@ any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.
 %
 Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
 %
-Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
-"My favorite sport is coitus."
-	But a fullback from State
-	Made her period late,
-And now she has athlete's fetus.
-%
-Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
-Whose virtue was largely a myth,
-	"Try as hard as I can,
-	I can't find a man
-That it's fun to be virtuous with."
-%
 Said Einstein, "I have an equation
 Which to some may seem rabelaisian:
 	Let _V be virginity
@@ -1283,8 +1113,6 @@ With the square root of _M_u inserted
 	The result, Q.E.D.,
 Is a relative!"  Einstein asserted.
 %
-Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
-%
 Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is
 needed.
 %
@@ -1324,11 +1152,6 @@ Subpoena, n.:
 	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male
 organ or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
 %
-Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
-		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
-		   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle
-		   Association
-%
 Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life.  People know that if
 you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
 %
@@ -1377,14 +1200,6 @@ cactus has the pricks on the outside.
 ... The Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost would never throw the Devil
 out of Heaven as long as they still need him as a fourth for bridge.
 		-- Letter in NEW LIBERTARIAN NOTES #19
-%
-	The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
-
-My back aches, my pussy is sore;
-I simply can't fuck any more;
-	I'm covered with sweat,
-	And you haven't come yet,
-And my God, it's a quarter to four!
 %
 The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
 putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
@@ -1458,7 +1273,7 @@ enormous damage to each other, not to speak of the room.
 		-- Henry Kissinger
 %
 The United States Army:
-194 years of proud service,
+247 years of proud service,
 unhampered by progress.
 %
 The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
@@ -1500,197 +1315,11 @@ contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
 bomb a virgin building is terrific.
 		-- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
 %
-There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America
-have been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
-America, with all of the military strength of America, those
-revolutions are revolutions against a form of political and economic
-organization in the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are
-oppressive.  They are revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
-		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
-%
 There are two sides to every divorce: yours and the shithead's.
 %
 "There is a God, but He drinks."
 		-- Blore
 %
-There once was a couple named Kelley,
-Who lived their life belly to belly.
-	Because in their haste
-	They used Library Paste,
-Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
-%
-There once was a feisty young terrier
-Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
-	He'd yip and he'd yap,
-	Then leap up and snap;
-And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
-%
-There once was a freshman named Lin,
-Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
-	A virgin named Joan
-	From a bible belt home,
-Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
-%
-There once was a hacker named Ken
-Who inherited truckloads of Yen
-	So he built him some chicks
-	Of silicon chips
-And hasn't been heard from since then.
-%
-There once was a lady from Exeter,
-So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
-	One was even so brave
-	As to take out and wave
-The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
-%
-There once was a man named Eugene
-Who invented a screwing machine
-	Concave and convex
-	It served either sex
-And it played with itself in between.
-%
-There once was a plumber from Leigh,
-Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
-	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
-	I think someone's coming!"
-Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
-%
-There once was a queen of Bulgaria
-Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
-	Till a prince from Peru
-	Who came up for a screw
-Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
-%
-There once was a Scot named McAmeter
-With a tool of prodigious diameter.
-	It was not the size
-	That cause such surprise;
-'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
-%
-There was a bluestocking in Florence
-Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
-	Till a Spanish grandee,
-	Got her off with his knee,
-And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
-%
-There was a gay countess of Bray,
-And you may think it odd when I say,
-	That in spite of high station,
-	Rank and education,
-She always spelled cunt with a "k".
-%
-There was a young fellow named Bliss
-Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
-	For even with Venus
-	His recalcitrant penis
-Would never do better than t
-			   h
-			   i
-			   s
-			   .
-%
-There was a young girl from Hong Kong
-Whose cervical cap was a gong.
-	She said with a yell,
-	As a shot rang her bell,
-"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
-%
-There was a young girl named Sapphire
-Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
-	She said, "It's a sin,
-	But now that it's in,
-Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
-%
-There was a young girl of Angina
-Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
-	From the love-making frock
-	(With the proper sized cock)
-Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
-%
-There was a young girl of Darjeeling
-Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
-	There was never a sound
-	For miles around
-Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
-%
-There was a young lad name of Durcan
-Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
-	His father said, "Durcan!
-	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
-Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
-%
-There was a young lady from Maine
-Who claimed she had men on her brain.
-	But you knew from the view,
-	As her abdomen grew,
-It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
-%
-There was a young lady named Clair
-Who possessed a magnificent pair;
-	At least so I thought
-	Till I saw one get caught
-On a thorn, and begin losing air.
-%
-There was a young lady named Hall,
-Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
-	The dress caught on fire
-	And burned her entire
-Front page, sporting section, and all.
-%
-There was a young lady named Twiss
-Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
-	For it tickled her bum
-	And caused her to come
-.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
-%
-There was a young lady of Norway
-Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
-	She said to her beau
-	"Just look at me, Joe;
-I think I've discovered one more way."
-%
-There was a young man from Bel-Aire
-Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
-	But the banister broke
-	So he doubled his stroke
-And finished her off in mid-air.
-%
-There was a young man named Crockett
-Whose balls got caught in a socket.
-	His wife was a bitch,
-	And she threw the switch,
-As Crockett went off like a rocket.
-%
-There was a young man of Cape Horn
-Who wished he had never been born,
-	And he wouldn't have been
-	If his father had seen
-That the end of the rubber was torn.
-%
-There was a young man of St. John's
-Who wanted to bugger the swans.
-	But the loyal hall porter
-	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
-Those birds are reserved for the dons."
-%
-There was a young whore from Kaloo
-Who filled her vagina with glue.
-	She said with a grin,
-	"If they pay to get in,
-They can pay to get out again too!"
-%
-There was an old man of the port
-Whose prick was remarkably short.
-	When he got into bed,
-	The old woman said,
-"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
-%
-There was an old pirate named Bates
-Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
-	He fell on his cutlass,
-	Which rendered him nutless
-And practically useless on dates.
-%
 There were the Scots
 Who kept the Sabbath
 And everything else they could lay their hands on.
@@ -1714,9 +1343,6 @@ There's more than one way to skin a cat:
 There's more than one way to skin a cat:
 	Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
 %
-There's more than one way to skin a cat:
-	Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
-%
 There's nothing better than good sex.  But bad sex?  A peanut butter
 and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
 		-- Billy Joel
@@ -1755,8 +1381,6 @@ YOU SHOULD:
 %
 Thou shalt not omit adultery.
 %
-To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
-%
 "Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad
 name."
 		-- Gore Vidal
@@ -1807,11 +1431,6 @@ Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
 Vidi, vici, veni.
 (I saw, I conquered, I came.)
 %
-Virgin, n.:
-	An ugly third grader.
-%
-War is menstruation envy.
-%
 "Water?  Never touch the stuff!  Fish fuck in it."
 		-- W. C. Fields
 %
@@ -1821,10 +1440,6 @@ We call our dog Egypt, because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
 hand."
 		-- James Watt
 %
-We have reason to believe that man first
-walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.
-		-- Lily Tomlin
-%
 "We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
 country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
 		-- Ronald Reagan
@@ -1882,11 +1497,6 @@ God I don't believe in is a good God, a just God, a merciful God.  He's
 not the mean and stupid God you make Him out to be."
 		-- Joseph Heller, "Catch-22"
 %
-When God created man, She was only testing.
-%
-When God created two sexes, he may have been overdoing it.
-		-- Charles Merrill Smith
-%
 "When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that
 can't happen."
 		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
@@ -1900,12 +1510,6 @@ would be before she could resume her sex life.  "I really haven't
 thought about it," gulped the stunned surgeon.  "You're the first
 patient who's asked me that after a tonsillectomy!"
 %
-While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
-Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
-	She explained, "They are flat,
-	But think nothing of that --
-You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
-%
 "White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
 so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
 time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
@@ -1914,9 +1518,6 @@ Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are
 horses?
 		-- G. Gordon Liddy
 %
-Why marry a virgin?  If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
-then she isn't good enough for you.
-%
 Women Unite!  Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
 %
 Women who want to be equal to men lack imagination
@@ -1962,30 +1563,12 @@ no-no, you:
 You better believe that marijuana can cause castration.  Just suppose
 your girlfriend gets the munchies!
 %
-You can lead a whore to Vasser, but you can't make her think.
-		-- Frederick B. Artz
-%
 You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't
 pick your friend's nose.
 %
 You can't underestimate the power of fear.
 		-- Tricia Nixon
 %
-You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
-get back inside.
-		--  Heathcote Williams
-%
-You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January
-and tell your boss that nobody but whores and football players live
-there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:
-
-(a) Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't remember your
-    name.
-
-(b) Ask what position she played.
-
-(c) Ask if she is still working the streets.
-%
 You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
 proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
 proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits
@@ -2000,16 +1583,4 @@ into your coffee.  You:
 %
 "You have to regard everything I say with suspicion -- I may be trying
 to bullshit you, or I may just be bullshitting you inadvertently."
-		-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b
-%
-	... But among the children of the Great Society there were
-those whose skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly,
-and of the fatted calf they were sucking hind teat ...
-	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and
-they called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my
-people go to the front of the bus."
-	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
-deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
-yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
-unto a snowball in Hell."
-		-- "The Begatting of a President"
+		-- J. Wainwright, Mathematics 140b

datfiles/fortunes2

@@ -4,6 +4,12 @@
 ||	   Watch for it at a theater near you next summer!	     ||
 ||								     ||
 =======================================================================
+%
+	"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
+the phone.  "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
+	"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
+	"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
+%
 	Francis Ford Coppola presents a George Lucas Production:
 			"Fortune Cookie"
 	Directed by Steven Spielberg.

datfiles/limerick

@@ -1,8 +1,507 @@
-A bad little girl in Madrid,
-A most reprehensible kid,
-	Told her Tante Louise
-	That her cunt smelled like cheese,
-And the worst of it was that it did!
+A progressive professor named Winners
+Held classes each evening for sinners.
+	They were graded and spaced
+	So the vile and debased
+Would not be held back by beginners.
+%
+A programmer down in Moline
+Said, I'm the match for any machine.
+	My secret's aversion,
+	To loops and recursion,
+Just acres of in-line routine.
+		-- W. J. Wilson
+%
+A guest in a household quite charmless
+Was informed its eccentric was harmless:
+	"If you're caught unawares
+	At the head of the stairs,
+Just remember, he's eyeless and armless."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A delighted, incredulous bride
+Remarked to her groom at her side :
+	"I never could quite
+	 Believe till tonight
+Our anatomies would coincide."
+%
+A dentist, young doctor Malone,
+Got a charming girl patient alone,
+	And, in his depravity,
+	Filled the wrong cavity.
+God, how his practice has grown.
+%
+A despairing old landlord named Fyfe,
+With a frigid and quarrelsome wife,
+	Let his third-story front,
+	To a willing young cunt,
+Who supplied him a new lease on life!
+%
+A desperate spinster from Clare
+Once knelt in the moonlight all bare,
+	And prayed to her God
+	For a romp on the sod--
+'Twas a passerby answered her prayer.
+%
+A distinguished professor from Swarthmore
+Got along with a sexy young sophomore.
+	As quick as a glance
+	He stripped off his pants,
+But he found that the sophomore'd got off more.
+%
+A doctoral student from Buckingham
+Wrote his thesis on cunts and on fucking'em.
+	But a dropout from paree
+	Taught him Gamahuchee
+So he added a footnote on sucking 'em.
+%
+A do-it-yourselfer named Alice,
+Used a dynamite stick for a phallus.
+	She blew her vagina
+	To South Carolina,
+And her tits landed somewhere in Dallas.
+
+A cute friend of hers, Fanny Hill,
+Used two dynamite sticks for a dil.
+	They found her vagina,
+	In South Carolina,
+And part of her ass in Brazil.
+%
+A dolly in Dallas named Alice,
+Whose overworked sex is all callous,
+	Wore the foreskin away
+	On uncircumcised Ray,
+Through exuberance, tightness, and malice.
+%
+A dreary young bank clerk named Fennis
+Wished to foster an aura of menace.
+	To make people afraid
+	He wore gloves of grey suede
+And white footgear intended for tennis.
+		-- Edward Gorey, "Amphigorey"
+%
+A couple was fishing near Clombe
+When the maid began looking quite glum,
+	And said, "Bother the fish!
+	I'd rather coish!"
+Which they did -- which was why they had come.
+%
+A cowhand way out in Seattle
+Had a dooflicker flat as a paddle.
+	He said, "No, I can't fuck
+	A lamb or a duck,
+But golly! it just fits the cattle."
+%
+A crusader's wife slipped from the garrison
+And had an affair with a Saracen.
+	She was not oversexed,
+	Or jealous or vexed,
+She just wanted to make a comparison.
+%
+A CS student named Lin
+Had a prick the size of a pin
+	It was no good for girls
+	But just great for squirrels
+Who squealed with delight with it in.
+%
+A cute little twerp from Samoa
+Had a cock of one inch and no moa.
+	It was good for keyholes
+	And debutantes' peeholes
+But not worth a damn on a whoa.
+%
+A daredevil skater named Lowe,
+Leaps barrels arranged in the snow,
+	But is proudest of doing,
+	Some incredible screwing,
+Since he's jumped thirteen girls in a row!
+%
+A deep-throated virgin named Netty
+Was sucking a cock on the jetty.
+	She said, "It tastes nice,
+	Much better than rice,
+Though not quite as good as spaghetti."
+%
+A cocksucking steno named Beeman
+Remarked as she swallowed my semen :
+	"On my minuscule salary
+	 I must watch every calorie,
+So I get `ahead' eating you he-men!"
+%
+A computer called Illiac4
+Had a rather tough bug in its core.
+	It chewed up its cards
+	And spewed yards and yards
+Of illegible tape on the floor.
+%
+A computer, to print out a fact,
+Will divide, multiply, and subtract.
+	But this output can be
+	No more than debris,
+If the input was short of exact.
+		-- Gigo
+%
+A contortionist hailing from Lynch
+Used to rent out his tool by the inch.
+	A foot cost a quid --
+	He could and he did
+Stretch it to three in a pinch.
+%
+A corpulent maiden named Kroll
+Had a notion exceedingly droll:
+	At a masquerade ball,
+	Dressed in nothing at all,
+She backed in as a Parker House roll.
+%
+A clergical student named Simms
+Hums liturgical tunes while he rims:
+	A nice piece of ass
+	Gets the B-Minor Mass ...
+All the others get Anglican hymns.
+%
+A clerical student named Pryne
+Through pain sought to reach the divine:
+	He wore a hair shirt,
+	Quite often ate dirt,
+And bathed every Friday in brine.
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A clever young man named Eugene
+Invented a jack-off machine.
+	On the twenty-third stroke
+	The fuckin' thing broke
+And beat both his balls to a cream.
+%
+A certain young man, it was noted,
+Went about in the heat thickly-coated;
+	He said, "You may scoff,
+	But I shan't take it off;
+Underneath I am horribly bloated."
+		-- Edward Gorey
+%
+A certain young person of Ghent,
+Uncertain if lady or gent,
+	Shows his organs at large
+	For a small handling charge
+To assist him in paying the rent.
+%
+A certain young sheik of Algiers
+Said to his harem, "My dears,
+	Though you may think it odd of me,
+	I'm tired of just sodomy
+Let's try straight fucking."  (loud cheers!)
+%
+A chap down in Oklahoma
+Had a cock that could sing La Paloma,
+	But the sweetness of pitch
+	Couldn't put off the hitch
+Of impotence, size and aroma.
+%
+A charmer from old Amarillo,
+Sick of finding strange heads on her pillow,
+	Decided one day
+	That to keep men away
+She would stuff up her crevice with Brillo.
+%
+A chippy who worked in Black Bluff
+Had a pussy as large as a muff.
+	It had room for both hands
+	And some intimate glands,
+And was soft as a little duck's fluff.
+%
+A busy young lady named Gloria
+Was had by Sir Gerald du Maurier
+	And then by six men,
+	Sir Gerald again,
+And the band at the Waldorf-Astoria.
+%
+A cabin boy on an old clipper
+Grew steadily flipper and flipper.
+	He plugged up his ass
+	With fragments of glass
+And thus circumcised his old skipper.
+%
+A bobby of Nottingham Junction
+Whose organ had long ceased to function
+	Deceived his good wife
+	For the rest of her life
+With the aid of his constable's truncheon.
+%
+A broken-down harlot named Tupps
+Was heard to confess in her cups:
+	"The height of my folly
+	Was fucking a collie --
+But I got a nice price for the pups."
+%
+A burleyque dancer, a pip
+Named Virginia, could peel in a zip;
+	But she read science fiction
+	And died of constriction
+Attempting a Moebius strip.
+		-- Cyril Kornbluth, "The Unfortunate Topology"
+%
+A bather whose clothing was strewed
+By breezes that left her quite nude,
+	Saw a man come along
+	And, unless I'm quite wrong,
+You expected this line to be lewd.
+%
+A remarkable race are the Persians;
+They have such peculiar diversions.
+	They make love the whole day
+	In the usual way
+And save up the nights for perversions.
+%
+A team playing baseball in Dallas
+Called the umpire blind out of malice.
+	While this worthy had fits
+	The team made eight hits
+And a girl in the bleachers named Alice.
+%
+A wanton young lady from Wimley
+Reproached for not acting quite primly
+	Said, "Heavens above!
+	I know sex isn't love,
+But it's such an entrancing facsimile."
+%
+A widow who fancied a man some
+Was diddled three times in a hansome.
+When she clamored for more
+Her young man became sore
+And exclaimed "My name's Simpson not Samson."
+%
+A worried young man from Stamboul
+Founds lots of red spots on his tool.
+	Said the doctor, a cynic,
+	"Get out of my clinic;
+Just wipe off the lipstick, you fool!"
+%
+An architect fellow named Yoric
+Could, when feeling euphoric,
+	Display for selection
+	Three kinds of erection --
+Corinthian, ionic, and doric.
+%
+He hated to mend, so young Ned
+Called in a cute neighbor instead.
+	Her husband said, "Vi,
+	When you stitched up his torn fly,
+Did you have to bite off the thread?"
+%
+I once met a lassie named Ruth
+In a long distance telephone booth.
+	Now I know the perfection
+	Of an ideal connection
+Even if somewhat uncouth.
+%
+In the Garden of Eden sat Adam,
+Massaging the bust of his madam,
+	He chuckled with mirth,
+	For he knew that on earth,
+There were only two boobs and he had 'em.
+%
+Said a horny young girl from Milpitas,
+"My favorite sport is coitus."
+	But a fullback from State
+	Made her period late,
+And now she has athlete's fetus.
+%
+Said a swinging young chick named Lyth
+Whose virtue was largely a myth,
+	"Try as hard as I can,
+	I can't find a man
+That it's fun to be virtuous with."
+%
+The Gray-haired Woman's Complaint
+
+My back aches, my pussy is sore;
+I simply can't fuck any more;
+	I'm covered with sweat,
+	And you haven't come yet,
+And my God, it's a quarter to four!
+%
+There once was a couple named Kelley,
+Who lived their life belly to belly.
+	Because in their haste
+	They used Library Paste,
+Instead of Petroleum Jelly.
+%
+There once was a feisty young terrier
+Who liked to bite girls on the derriere.
+	He'd yip and he'd yap,
+	Then leap up and snap;
+And the fairer the derriere the merrier.
+%
+There once was a freshman named Lin,
+Whose tool was as thin as a pin,
+	A virgin named Joan
+	From a bible belt home,
+Said, "This won't be much of a sin."
+%
+There once was a hacker named Ken
+Who inherited truckloads of Yen
+	So he built him some chicks
+	Of silicon chips
+And hasn't been heard from since then.
+%
+There once was a lady from Exeter,
+So pretty that men craned their necks at her.
+	One was even so brave
+	As to take out and wave
+The distinguishing mark of his sex at her.
+%
+There once was a man named Eugene
+Who invented a screwing machine
+	Concave and convex
+	It served either sex
+And it played with itself in between.
+%
+There once was a plumber from Leigh,
+Who was plumbing his maid by the sea,
+	Said she, "Please stop plumbing,
+	I think someone's coming!"
+Said he, "Yes I know love, it's me."
+%
+There once was a queen of Bulgaria
+Whose bush had grown hairier and hairier,
+	Till a prince from Peru
+	Who came up for a screw
+Had to hunt for her cunt with a terrier.
+%
+There once was a Scot named McAmeter
+With a tool of prodigious diameter.
+	It was not the size
+	That cause such surprise;
+'Twas his rhythm -- iambic pentameter.
+%
+There was a bluestocking in Florence
+Wrote anti-sex pamphlets in torrents,
+	Till a Spanish grandee,
+	Got her off with his knee,
+And she burned all her works with abhorrence.
+%
+There was a gay countess of Bray,
+And you may think it odd when I say,
+	That in spite of high station,
+	Rank and education,
+She always spelled cunt with a "k".
+%
+There was a young fellow named Bliss
+Whose sex life was strangely amiss,
+	For even with Venus
+	His recalcitrant penis
+Would never do better than t
+			   h
+			   i
+			   s
+			   .
+%
+There was a young girl from Hong Kong
+Whose cervical cap was a gong.
+	She said with a yell,
+	As a shot rang her bell,
+"I'll give you a ding for a dong!"
+%
+There was a young girl named Sapphire
+Who succumbed to her lover's desire.
+	She said, "It's a sin,
+	But now that it's in,
+Could you shove it a few inches higher?"
+%
+There was a young girl of Angina
+Who stretched catgut across her vagina.
+	From the love-making frock
+	(With the proper sized cock)
+Came Tocata and Fugue in D minor.
+%
+There was a young girl of Darjeeling
+Who could dance with such exquisite feeling
+	There was never a sound
+	For miles around
+Save of fly-buttons hitting the ceiling.
+%
+There was a young lad name of Durcan
+Who was always jerkin' his gherkin.
+	His father said, "Durcan!
+	Stop jerkin' your gherkin!
+Your gherkin's for ferkin', not jerkin'."
+%
+There was a young lady from Maine
+Who claimed she had men on her brain.
+	But you knew from the view,
+	As her abdomen grew,
+It was not on her brain that he'd lain.
+%
+There was a young lady named Clair
+Who possessed a magnificent pair;
+	At least so I thought
+	Till I saw one get caught
+On a thorn, and begin losing air.
+%
+There was a young lady named Hall,
+Wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
+	The dress caught on fire
+	And burned her entire
+Front page, sporting section, and all.
+%
+There was a young lady named Twiss
+Who said she thought fucking a bliss,
+	For it tickled her bum
+	And caused her to come
+.siht ekil gniyl ylbatrofmoc elihW
+%
+There was a young lady of Norway
+Who hung by her toes in a doorway.
+	She said to her beau
+	"Just look at me, Joe;
+I think I've discovered one more way."
+%
+There was a young man from Bel-Aire
+Who was screwing his girl on the stair,
+	But the banister broke
+	So he doubled his stroke
+And finished her off in mid-air.
+%
+There was a young man named Crockett
+Whose balls got caught in a socket.
+	His wife was a bitch,
+	And she threw the switch,
+As Crockett went off like a rocket.
+%
+There was a young man of Cape Horn
+Who wished he had never been born,
+	And he wouldn't have been
+	If his father had seen
+That the end of the rubber was torn.
+%
+There was a young man of St. John's
+Who wanted to bugger the swans.
+	But the loyal hall porter
+	Said, "Pray take my daughter!
+Those birds are reserved for the dons."
+%
+There was a young whore from Kaloo
+Who filled her vagina with glue.
+	She said with a grin,
+	"If they pay to get in,
+They can pay to get out again too!"
+%
+There was an old man of the port
+Whose prick was remarkably short.
+	When he got into bed,
+	The old woman said,
+"This isn't a prick; it's a wart!"
+%
+There was an old pirate named Bates
+Who was learning to rhumba on skates.
+	He fell on his cutlass,
+	Which rendered him nutless
+And practically useless on dates.
+%
+While I, with my usual enthusiasm,
+Was exploring in Ermintrude's busiasm,
+	She explained, "They are flat,
+	But think nothing of that --
+You will find that my sweet sister Susiasm."
 %
 A bather whose clothing was strewed
 By breezes that left her quite nude,